If you want to experience more trust, deeper intimacy and quicker conflict resolution, it all starts with you! You may say, “but if only they would change _____”. When this is your approach, you lose your relationship. You stop allowing yourself to have personal responsibility in the outcome of the interactions. I know it takes a lot of courage to get out of your own entitled head (where we naturally see the world from) and start to see how you only control your actions. However, this is the only place from which you will create the desired experience of more trust, deeper intimacy and quickly solving conflict.

From the perspective of taking responsibility for your actions, you are able to do the following things to grow trust, resolve conflict, and have deeper intimacy. The following are hard to do because it takes personal discipline and intention. They will feel unnatural and awkward at first because they are new skills.

Chose to show empathy for your spouse’s actions.

• This takes a lot of courage, vulnerability, and shows you care.

Sincerely apologize for how your actions have impacted your spouse.

• This stays away from being wrong or right, keeping the focus on how you made them feel. (If you don’t know how they feel, ask and genuinely listen)

Ask what you can take action on to contribute to a different outcome around the issue.

• This means you are allowing your spouse to influence the conversation. It’s vulnerable but crucial for connecting with them in their needs.

Ask permission to share your experience and stick with “I” language (Not “YOU”).

• This opens them up to listen when they are ready. This is the first step to becoming understood and heard by them.

The good news is that with practice in these 4 steps you will build trust, resolve conflict and have deeper intimacy with your spouse. Give them a try everyday for a week and see what happens.