One of the biggest myths that is ingrained in society today is that conflict is bad… that conflict is actually something to be avoided at all costs.

Think about the impact of this for a second… The implications of this are epic in your significant relationships. Any difference of opinion, values, beliefs are not only off the table for discussion, they become a personal attack. An offense for simply being different than you are. When it is put this way, it seems very illogical and ridiculous. However, the unfortunate truth of the matter is that you will succumb to this thinking if you do not take action now! Choosing to have an open mind and acceptance of your partner in the midst of conflict is the birthplace of intimacy.

Your relationship’s success depends on your choice to see that your partner expressing him or herself is an opportunity instead of a personal attack because it is different than you or your [unhealthy] expectation of them. Let that sink in for a minute. You choose to see opportunity or offense. You are only responsible for yourself and your actions within a relationship. You cannot control their emotions or their thoughts. And any attempt to try to control them is typically considered manipulation.

Earlier we talked about being open minded and accepting; which are both characteristics of being vulnerable. This skill of seeking openness to your partner’s perspective is one of the 6 that is necessary for developing connection and deep intimacy in your relationship. Another skill that is important to develop is personal accountability. When you can take responsibility for your actions and the feelings they have caused, you are primed for a deeper connection. This personal responsibility is the key to a sincere apology and repairing the hurt you've caused by taking personal offense in the middle of conflict.

These two skills, vulnerable and accountable are a healthy start to growing in the six relationship principles to develop healthy communication and a cycle of relationship building during conflict. It is normal for these skills to take effort and time. You will not be perfect and neither will your partner. Let difference and conflict turn into an opportunity to grow closer to your partner.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.