As I have thought more of what creates resiliency in a relationship, I am pointed back to how our perception changes the way we respond and engage with the world around us. The family or home you grew up in has drastically impacted if not solidified the way you perceive the world around you. It is also important to understand that you consistently grow and shape this mindset throughout your life. The mindset I’m specifically talking about today is the way you have learned to receive and pursue belonging and relationships. 

Unfortunately you might have received the message that love is something that needs to be earned. That for whatever reason, you have to work for the worthiness of being loved and cared for. This is a common mindset I experience in my office. The limitations of such a belief about relationships create anger, frustration and bitterness. For example, in this mindset, the way to insure security and safety is through doing and being enough in the relationship. The problem is that in the environment that taught you this sad mindset, you never allow yourself to be loved just for who you are. So you continue to try earning favor and love from those around you (at work, in your intimate relationships, etc...). When you continue in this mindset, you are constantly let down because you will never earn enough brownie points in your relationships to be loved for who you are. 

The tool that will break this mindset is self-compassion. Your self-destructive behaviors will continue unless you give yourself the grace to make a mistake and move forward. Self-compassion allows you to separate your worth from your behavior. It’s a courageous act of being vulnerable with yourself, seeing yourself with empathy for being human and falling short. It is not possible to learn from a setback or failure if you cannot see yourself with compassion and empathy. The way to make a setback meaningful is to pause long enough to learn from it. Otherwise, you carry on as if you didn’t make a mistake because you don’t want to feel the weight of your shame. The reality is that the only way to learn from a mistake is to acknowledge the feeling of making a mistake and figuring out how to do something differently next time. This means you do not condemn yourself for the mistakes but show compassion for your mistakes. 

This empathy is the 5th value on the VALUES framework. It helps to see yourself not as a human-doing but a human being… Let me say that again another way- Your value is determined by your state of being, not your behavior (doing). When you can see yourself this way, you are then allowing yourself to see others this way and raise the quality of all your relationships! To have a resilient relationship, you must first become resilient yourself. Remember that you are a gift and giving yourself to someone is love. Also you are only able to receive love when it is seen as a gift.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.