Just saying the words confrontation or disagreement can cause feelings of distress.  Maybe your blood pressure has started to rise just reading those words.  In general, most people do not like confrontation or disagreements, which is why some may experience a physiological response such as increased blood pressure or tightening muscles, your body is preparing to respond in a primal way (fight, flight or freeze).  When couples come in for counseling, they often report having disagreements over seemingly ‘small’ things such as rolling the toothpaste tube the wrong way or leaving the lights on.  While there may be a deeper issue rooted underneath, it is often the case that couples will fight about disagreeing over the perception of an experience.

That may have sounded convoluted, so in other words, we fight about the facts of an experience when it does not match our own.  As humans, we all have our own perspectives, opinions and values.  These are all developed through our past experiences, so even if we are experiencing the same thing as our partner, we may not have the same perception of how or why it occurred.  When we fight about the facts we are skipping over the feelings that come with the experience.  This can lead to our partner feeling ignored and may tell them that their perspective does not matter.  If we take time to pause and try to understand the process they are going through we can change the message to one of caring and love.  An example of this is to say, “Oh, we saw it differently than each other, can you please explain your experience to me?  I want to understand where you’re coming from… Wow we’re really different than each other.”  This shows vulnerability and tells your partner that it is okay to have different views.

One activity to help increase your awareness of your partner’s experience is to practice saying “I notice…” before saying anything else about the argument.  For example, “I notice that your arms are crossed right now” or “I notice that you are not making eye contact with me, I wonder if you don’t feel comfortable talking to me right now.”  By taking time to pause, you are allowing the space to observe what your partner is showing you without them having to say a word.  This activity can help shift the focus of a discussion away from finding what is wrong or what does not line up with your experience to leaning into your partner and gaining an understanding of how they experienced a situation. 

At times it may also be helpful to agree to disagree.  When you do this you are truly accepting each other as they are.  You are telling each other that it is okay to have a different point of view while still being able to create shared meaning together.  An example of this might be political views.  They are often a part of our identity and we can be passionate about our views so what do we do when we are in a relationship and our partner has beliefs that do not align with ours?   Disagreements come from not being able to see past these differences.  We either have to accept their views or we have to decide whether ending the relationship is the best path.  As mentioned above, it is possible to see past these differences and still be able to create shared meaning, but you both have to be willing to create this shared mean and forge a path that holds space for both of you. 

When we have disagreements we often feel stuck, that is another reason couples often come in for counseling, they feel stuck in their relationships.  One way to explore this feeling is to ask yourself why you are feeling this way.  An example of this may look like “Am I being rigid in my views?” or “If I am not accepting my partner’s differences, why?”  This reflection is really important because it can also help you understand what assumptions you are making about your partner.  By asking yourself these questions you are opening up the possibility for connection.  When we think we know the answers we stop being curious.  It is normal to assume you know the answers to what your partner is thinking and experiencing, especially after being together for many years, but if we are no longer curious about their experiences we may be missing key information about them.  I’ll leave you with this, continue to be curious about your partner because we all change and experience new things every single day!