As humans, we are prone to being reactive.  In the previous post we discussed how our emotions are our parasympathetic nervous systems trying to make sense out of what is going on around us.  We react all the time, but it may not always be in the way we want.  Reacting can often look like yelling or storming out of the room.  These are things that we have all done, but how can we move from being reactive to proactive? One tool that we use in therapy is called the Control Box. 

The Control Box (see image below), is a tool that can help us identify what we have control over and what can happen if we choose to take action or not.  There are two columns going down and two across.  The first column on top represents yourself and the second represents everything else, such as our significant others, children, coworkers, or even the random person at the grocery store would fall into this category.  The two columns on the side that go across represent things that we have control over and how we feel when we act on them.  

We often try to control these individuals or situations that fall in the ‘everything else’ column we often find that problems arise within ourselves or within the relationship.  As the Control Box shows, when we try to take control, or action, with outside forces we may feel frustrated, angry, or even unimportant.  That is because we can not control others actions, but we can control our reactions by being proactive.  One example of this is yelling at our children when they run towards the street.  Yelling at them is reactive (even if it is necessary in this situation), while the proactive behavior would be to talk to them about how they should never run towards the stree even if their ball is rolling towards it before the scenario ever arises.  

Another example of proactivity vs. reactivity is worry and concern.  Worry is a form of reactivity because it is all encompassing, meaning it is all we can think about.  Concern is a form of proactivity because it does not feel as if it is taking you over and you can take action using your prefrontal cortex (logical brain).  An example of this is fear that your child will drown while near water.  While this is a valid fear, worry and concern look very different.  Worry in this situation may look like not allowing your child to go anywhere near water, ever.  Concern may look like preparing your child by providing swim lessons and discussing water safety.  

In the last example, the parent is being proactive by planning ahead and providing their child with the resources to be around water in a safer capacity.  This can also be done in all relationships.  By planning ahead and discussing what our expectations are we can be as prepared as possible when a reactionary situation arises.  This may look like one partner explaining what their reactions tend to be leaving the room during an emotionally charged situation because they may need to take a timeout to re-regulate themselves.  By doing this, both partners are on the same page and will not be blindsided when the other leaves the room quickly.  They know what to expect and can help provide their partner with the space they need.  

Within couples, there tends to be a lot of defensiveness, or feeling the need to explain why we reacted the way that we did because our reactions often lead to outcomes that we did not intend.  Maybe we hit one of our partners' triggers and they reacted in a way that was not expected.  When we become defensive in these situations, we are often trying to be ‘right’ or justify what happened instead of accepting the other individual’s experience.  We may try to correct their experience by explaining what our intention was, but we can not change how another person experienced it.  We can instead be proactive and take responsibility for our actions and move towards repairing the relationship.  

On the other hand, we can also be proactive by making a request instead of an accusation when we feel hurt by our partners.  We may react by saying, “You always do this, you’re such a jerk!” which is an accusation.  A request may look like “When _____  happened I felt like _____, I would really appreciate it if in the future you would do _____ instead.”  This is a request because it is a clear plan for future situations to have your needs met.  Reading these two different statements, I am sure you can see the difference, most of us have experienced an accusation and know how that leaves us feeling afterwards.

Becoming proactive over reactive can be difficult because as humans we are prone to be reactive!  That is why it is important to practice these skills.  Look at the Control Box and fill it in based on an experience you have had and then ask yourself what does it mean to stay in my lane? To take action when it is my responsibility to take control? By starting with small changes like this and discussing expectations with your partner or others it can feel more manageable than making large drastic changes.  It is also easier to maintain the changes when we practice the small ones and then continually layer them with other small changes.  If something you changed does not work either modify it or make a different change.  It may feel impossible some days but keep working at it everyday in little ways!