While forgiveness is something anyone can choose to grant to another person at any time, it can be much easier to do when the person who caused the pain apologizes well, but many people don’t know what an effective apology looks like.  If you are one of these people who could use some help to understand why simply saying, “Sorry” may not be enough, read on.  You just may become a high-quality apologizer.

When Gwen tried to tell her husband that she was hurt by something he did, and he responded, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” Gwen went ballistic.  To some that might sound ridiculous, after all, they might reason, he apologized.  However, to Gwen, he did no such thing.  

She didn’t want him to feel sorry for how she felt.  After all, her emotions were understandable given the situation, and while they didn’t feel pleasant to her, her feelings were a natural response in her body to an offense she felt was committed. So, she didn’t think that her husband quite seemed to acknowledge what she needed from him.

Gwen wanted her husband to understand what he did and said that resulted in those feelings and to own up to the pain he had caused her.  She wanted him to acknowledge how he hurt her, to state how he intends to fix the wrong, and to own his part as well as his sorrow for how he hurt her.   In these ways, Gwen would feel understood, cared about, and find it much easier to feel like forgiving him.

Gwen wanted to forgive him, but she needed more than an “I’m sorry.”  She needed ownership, changed action, follow-through, and to truly be understood, with some remorse thrown in for good measure.  Her forgiveness would not mean that the offense(s) was okay, but it would release both herself and her husband from bitterness and disconnection that may result if the wound weren’t to be remedied appropriately. 

Even though her husband didn’t think that he did anything wrong and knew that he certainly didn’t do anything to hurt her intentionally, his response to her gave her the feeling of being brushed off, as if what he did that she was hurt by didn’t matter enough to him for him to try to understand…as if she didn’t mean enough to him for him to try to understand.

This, of course, is not what her husband was trying to do to her, but while Gwen could choose to forgive him and the actions with the hurt he caused, she didn’t feel like forgiving because she couldn’t tell if he really understood and really cared to make amends.

Gwen’s husband may have felt better to say the words that he’s sorry, but she wanted much more.  She wanted closeness, understanding, to be able to trust him with her heart, and emotional intimacy.

While apologies can help with forgiveness, if given insincerely, they can do more harm in a relationship than good.  This is why, even if the perceived offender does not believe they have anything to apologize for, the very fact that their loved one feels hurt is something to attend to so as to not inadvertently cause such pain again. Listening attentively, clarifying, expressing intention, and offering amends can go a long way in this sort of circumstance.

When a wrong has actually been committed, owning up to it, not making excuses or minimizing it, expressing a willingness to change or improve in some way, and follow through, as well as saying the actual words of “I’m sorry,” can lead to forgiveness being a much easier undertaking for the offended person.

If you need help with effective communication in your relationship, we’d be happy to help.  Please contact us at: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle