Last week we discussed humility which is the antithesis of judgement and criticism.  This of course means we then need to explore pride and perfectionism which is often a precursor of  judgement and criticism.  When we are stuck in our pride we tend to have the mentality of I’m right, you’re wrong.  This can also be seen as competitive.  When there is competition within a relationship one partner is usually left feeling unheard and as you can imagine this can create conflict.  Perfection and pride are often a reflection of feeling unworthy and not accepting ourselves. We often reflect those feelings when we interact with others. 

Perfectionism is something that we often learn during our childhood as our parents push us to strive for more.  I do not say that to place blame on our parents, in general they want what is best for us and they do this by pushing us to reach our full potential.  How many of us have heard that before?  While this is not inherently a bad thing, we also need the occasional acknowledgement that we are doing well and doing the best we can.  When all we receive is the push to strive for better, we can at times be left feeling unworthy or not good enough.  We learn the message that we need to earn love from our parents.   This translates to our relationships as adults.  We set expectations that are so high they are often unattainable. We generally have those same expectations for our partners.  We create loops or disappointment and frustration because no one can measure up to having it all together all the time.

Our partners may feel that we are harsh and uncaring at times, but we are often even harsher on ourselves.  We expect such perfection from ourselves as parents, partners, in our work, etc. but it is impossible to manage that all the time and we are not kind to ourselves when we don’t meet those standards.  As we move through life we have learned how to do things the “right” way.  But there can be more than one correct way to achieve a goal.  When we feel like things aren’t being done our way we become critical, judgmental and even harsh.  I’m sure the parents reading this can agree that there are times when we watch our children attempting to learn a new task and we want to jump in and tell them that they are doing it wrong.  When we do this though we are not showing them radical acceptance.  One way to show acceptance, but also help them is to ask “Can I show you a different way?”  This allows them the space to say no thank or to take you up on your offer! It is telling them that there are multiple ways to achieve a goal and this is how I do it myself.

In Bob Goff’s devotional, Live in Grace, Walk in Love, he says “We need to love each other without an agenda, do it any other way and we signal to each other that others need to be like us to be liked by us.”  This is a powerful statement.  In our society we have so much pride which can get in the way of relationship.  Instead of celebrating and encouraging our differences we are unconsciously conveying the message that we need to conform to be liked.  In Brene Brown’s book, The Gift of Imperfection, she explores the idea that we are good enough.  We have to learn that we are in fact good enough and let go of our perfectionism and pride to truly be in relationship with others.  To truly be accepting of others we have to first be accepting of ourselves. 

How do we do all of this?  To start your internal journey of exploration in regard to perfectionism we have to ask ourselves where did we learn this?  The next step is to be okay with what is happening in the current moment.  In other words, we need to admit that we have made a mistake and tell ourselves (or our partners depending on the situation) that we are learning.  We are learning how to do things differently and in the learning process mistakes will happen.  This is okay!  A final step is to just be appreciative.  When our partners or children do something for us just say thank you!  This will go a long way to creating patterns where they continue to do acts of service or just general acts of kindness.  Perfectionism and pride can be a lonely space to live in. But by participating in this learning process can be the first steps to reconnecting with those we are in relationship with.