We’ve all been around people who are self-assured and kind, and we’ve all been around people who are unbearably self-absorbed and conceited.  It’s not difficult to imagine that most people likely prefer the self-assured and kind characteristics.  So, if you are wanting to be able to speak up for yourself in a way that is honest and works to share your needs and desires with another person but want to be sure to come across in a positive way and not like an unbearably self-absorbed person, here are some tips for you:

1. Consider Your Audience’s Perspective- If you know that you feel differently than the person you are going to be speaking with, think about how that person may be thinking and feeling, and try to take this into account by starting off your discussion with their perspective being acknowledged first.

Example:  Hi Stan, I can understand that you would like to paint the school building red, and it would be colorful, but I am concerned that it may be too bright a color for our conservative community.

Rather than: Hi Stan, That red color is not going to work, so do something different.

2. Know Your Perspective Before You Speak- Reflect on what you feel and why you feel it before speaking so that you can do any internal work on parts of self that may not be too sure of how they feel.  When you need to speak up for yourself and your needs, it’s best to be sure you really understand the various parts you will be speaking for before you begin to talk, so that you come from a position of strength and stability rather than being double-minded, which the Bible says leads to instability in a person’s way.

3. Practice Your Words and Tone- Sometimes, it can help to rehearse not only what you want to communicate but also the tone in which you want to say it.  Pay attention to the speed, volume, and timbre of your voice so that it matches what you really mean to portray rather than thwarting your efforts by undermining the message you want to project.

4. Speak the Truth in Love- When you are faced with a need and desire to stand up for yourself and to speak your truth, work to do it with an attitude of collaboration rather than conflict.  As you frame your words with the other person’s needs in mind, you gain power and respect rather than defensive reactions.  What you put out into the world is what you will receive back from others.  So, be sure to follow the golden rule and treat others the way you would want to be treated so that you can come across in a way that both advocates for you and your voice/truth and yet sounds humble and caring.

If you are having difficulty finding your voice in a respectful and yet powerful way, therapy can help.  Contact us here: info@vccounseling.com or 541-275-0412 to get started working toward your self-esteem, communication, and relationship goals.

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle