What do you think about when you hear the word humility?  When you google the definition it comes back with answers like “having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance” or “lower in dignity or importance.”  Looking at those definitions though, I don’t believe they truly encompass what the word humility means.  Humility is at the heart of being Christlike.  It means embracing our frailty as humans and acknowledging that we are not perfect.  There is power under control, or power under Christ.  When I say this I mean that we can choose to defer to God, we do not have to be king of the hill because he also said that to be a leader we must also be a servant.  In other words, to really act with humility we do not have to diminish our self worth, but we have to acknowledge that others also have value and worth. 

Humility is also the antithesis of judgement or criticism.  The Gottmans discuss the four horsemen (four major issues) within relationships, one being criticism.  When we criticize and judge our partners we are often grasping for some sort of control that we feel we are losing.  We have all done it and speaking for myself, it does not make me feel better, but it can provide a fleeting sense of control.  Like I said though, it’s fleeting.  When we act with humility, we are showing our partners grace, empathy and compassion.  Looking through humility is letting go of control.  This can be hard to do when we don’t have a good sense of ourselves and who we are.  We have to have confidence in ourselves and trust that we are good people.  We have to trust that our partners ultimately value and accept us.  

One way to practice humility is to also practice forgiveness.  This means that we have to let go of the little daily things that can often become an impediment to our relationship when we hold on to them.  This does not mean that we ignore harmful or hurtful actions, but it means that we can communicate our needs and desires for change and then forgive.  We all have different attachment styles that were formed as children that impact the way we interact and connect with others.  The book Attached by Amir Levine does a wonderful job of explaining these different attachment styles.  By understanding what our own and our partner’s attachment style is we can then do a better job of connecting with them in the way that they need.  

Humility is the daily process of trusting ourselves.  Once we are able to trust ourselves we can then begin to show humility to others around us.  We have talked often about acceptance in this blog and will continue to because it is one of the fundamental characteristics in a relationship.  When we can truly accept our partners and their differences then we can truly provide them with unconditional positive regard, or the love and acceptance that we (and they) deserve.