In my experience, when couples come in for counseling they are often so hurt and disconnected that they do not even know where to start.  They know something is wrong and they are now looking for hope that their relationship can change.  But where does this process start?  Setting goals can help inspire hope and confidence in our relationships as well as in every aspect of our lives.  In the previous post we discussed SMART Goals as a tool to help create more attainable goals out of vague ones (so go check it out for an outline!).  SMART Goals are baby steps as well because they lay out small achievable steps on how to reach your goal.  Looking at a goal without steps can be overwhelming because how do you know where to start?  When we take small baby steps and continue moving forward sometimes we may reach our goal without even knowing!

Another thing that is important when making changes in our lives is to have strong core characteristics.  This means having character traits such as being trustworthy, kind, honorable, honest, etc.  There have been times in everybody's life when we have not shown these characteristics, but that does not mean we can not move towards expressing them now.  In Romans 5:3-5 it says “Not only so, but also glory in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; (4) perseverance, character; and character, hope. (5) And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  This verse speaks to the fact that we can build our core characteristics through our struggles and suffering if we allow God’s love to wash over us.  It also speaks to the nature of continuing through our suffering.  In other words, to not give up because there is hope and love on the other side.  

As mentioned above, couples know something is wrong in their relationship when they seek out counseling.  It is important to be committed to working on the relationship for therapy to really be effective.  This may seem obvious, but when partners feel hurt and disconnected it can be difficult to feel committed to working on their relationship.  When we feel hopeless like this, we often feel like we are the victim of the circumstance.  This may look like us saying “If they wouldn’t do this, I wouldn’t react in this way.”  Conflict is not often one sided though.  We must ask ourselves how are we showing up during conflict?  We’ve talked a lot in previous posts about taking ownership of our own actions and that is no different here.  When we take responsibility for how we have shown up in the past we are creating small bits of hope that the relationship can change. 

One issue couples often say they are coming in for is that they are not connecting.  This can be in many different aspects of their lives.  One baby step to reconnecting can look like taking a walk together over the weekend or sitting down and eating a meal together and talking… about anything!  Now, this may not seem like it could possibly help us reconnect because as humans we want immediate change, which is natural, but change occurs a little bit over time.  Those two examples are not supposed to create a deep, intimate connection right away.  There may still hurt and resentments that need to be addressed before that can happen.  Taking a walk or having a meal together is a baby step towards a more passionate connection.  

When we talk about passion one way to look at it that may be helpful is as a three-legged stool. The first leg is friendship.  This means that partners find general enjoyment with each other, there is a fundamental foundation of trust for this leg.  The second leg is excitement which means you look forward to spending time together.  When one partner walks in the room the other’s eyes light up.  Gottman calls this the awe factor.   The third and final leg is sensuality.  This leg comprises the more intimate, erotic aspects of a relationship.  This is when partners want to fully experience each other in their bodies.  If any of these three legs are wobbly or missing, it is hard to have passion with one another.  

Friendship and excitement can be a choice, while sensuality often comes when the first two legs are strong.  While it may be a hard choice to make when we do not feel close to our partner emotionally (which comes from the friendship leg), for example, we can actively choose to look forward to them coming home.  In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy there is the CBT Triangle.  The different points of the triangle represent our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  The idea is that each of those three aspects influence one another.  We’ve discussed before that we do not have control over our feelings because they are our parasympathetic nervous system’s way of trying to make sense of what is going on around us.  Once we acknowledge our feelings, we can change our thoughts and behaviors.  In other words, if our thoughts and behaviors are in our control, when we have different feelings we can choose how to respond and react. 

Making changes in our lives can be scary, but taking baby steps can help make goals attainable.  Do it scared!  By this I mean step out in faith and trust the process.  It is okay to be nervous about trying new things and at times it may not look very good and it will definitely not be a flawless process, but by taking small steps you are developing character.   Creating daily dialogue is another really important step because it is actively leaning into your partner.  Asking something as simple as “Hey, how are you?” or “What went well today? What didn’t go well?” shows your partner that you are genuinely interested in how they are doing and says I choose us.  Another baby step to layer with daily dialogue is holding hands.  Physical touch is something that easily gets lost, especially when we are building walls around ourselves.  Sit across the table from your partner and hold their hands during your daily dialogue!  Or during an argument take a second to hug them and say “I know we don’t agree right now, but I love you so much.”

At the end of every week, or month, check in with one another and ask what your successes have been.  What changes are you seeing?  This is not a time for blame and accusations, but to really sit down and do a check in.  When you do this you can also discuss what changes can be made if something has not been working out.  The more that we take ownership for how we show up, the better our relationships will be.  When you are able to do this, you will find hope.  You may find yourself looking around one day and realize you are once again excited to be with your partner!