Over the last several months we have talked quite a bit about taking time to slow yourself down, take a step back, and ask ourselves what we are really feeling and thinking about in any given situation.  In other words, evaluating ourselves and our relationship.  When we are working on improving our relationship, this evaluation is extremely important to do regularly.  Another step that any couple would benefit from is an annual evaluation of their relationship.  This does not have to occur only when we are in conflict.  The goal of these evaluations is to do a deep dive into our relationships to address what needs to be changed, what can be improved upon, and what is going well.  Scaling questions are a great way to acknowledge where we are.  Here is an example: On a scale of one to ten where are we with communication? If you say your communication level is at a two, that leaves a lot of room for improvement.  This number is not a judgement, just an acknowledgment of where you are and may set a priority of what to start with. 

We have talked about the VALUES acronym in the past.  This is a good place to start if you want to create a checklist for what to look at when completing your evaluation.  Let’s do a quick refresher:

• V = Vulnerability 

  • Ask yourself, “Are we being vulnerable together? If so, how are we?”

• A = Accountability 

  • Accountability addresses how we are showing up together.  “Am I being who I said I was going to be?”  

  • Here is another way to look at it: If you are playing a sport, you are not going to do very well if you haven’t practiced or have a negative mindset about how you will do.  Are you showing up ready to play (to be there for your partner)?

• L = Learning 

  • The foundation of learning is curiosity.  We have to want to learn about our partners' experiences and feelings.  Creating a foundation of curiosity is one of the number one things that will improve your relationship. 

• U = Understanding 

  • One thing to remember is creating understanding together does not mean that you agree on everything.  You will still have differing opinions and perceptions.  It is saying “To the best of my ability, this is what I understand is your experience; this is what you are thinking and feeling in this moment; this is what you wanted and needed.”

• E = Empathy 

  • Empathy is the ability to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.  When we respond with empathy we are able to reflect what we have heard.  This goes hand in hand with understanding.  We can’t have empathy without understanding, but we can have understanding.  Showing empathy is saying something like, “Wow… it sounds like you really felt beat up at work today.”  When we can reflect with empathy we are conveying that it means something to me that you are going through this.  If we find ourselves having a difficult time acting with empathy, a great book to look into is Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.  

• S = Shared Meaning 

  • Shared meaning is really what the entire evaluation is about.  Are we connected? Are we on the same page?

Here are more topics when evaluating your relationship: 

Are you experiencing positive or negative sentiment override?: Positive sentiment override might feel like sunshine while negative override may feel like a cloudy day.  In other words, are we thankful for each other? 

Are we playing together?: Do we enjoy being in each other’s presence? 

Social Life - Focus of Energy: This can come down to are we introverted or extroverted?  This is where we can ask ourselves, do we want more or less social interaction?  It is important to ask what really brings joy to your relationship. 

Daily routine and rituals of connection: Take a look at the previous post about daily dialogue.  Daily dialogue is an important part of a daily routine as it gives you and your partner a chance to check-in with one another.  Are you participating in a weekly date night? Stay tuned for our next post where we will dig a little deeper into date nights.  Are you getting alone time? 

Parenting: We all come from different experiences and were raised differently by our parents.  When we bring in our different ideas and values it can create conflict if we are not on the same page. 

Finances: Finances are one of the top reasons for conflict and divorce in couples.  When we are on the same page about what we want to use our money for we can create trust.  

Intimacy: There are different types of intimacy, emotional and physical.  Emotional intimacy can be created through communication and trust.  Physical intimacy can mean two separate things.  There is physical affection as well as sexuality.  Physical affection may look like a hug, holding hands, or a quick kiss.  Both are an important aspect of creating intimacy within your relationship. 

Spiritual Life Together and Separately: Ask yourself how are we connecting with God and others around us through our faith?  As you know, this I write from a Christian viewpoint, but even if you are not Christian we are all spiritual beings.  What are you doing to foster the spiritual side of yourself/relationship? 

Supporting each other: Are you doing things together? Is there respect and love? Are you creating a space where both partners can live out their dreams?  This first step to creating this space is to actually share with each other what your hopes and dreams are.  As we go through life we experience major life changes (major injuries, retirement, having your first child, children leaving the home, etc).  How are we supporting each other during these changes? 

Conflict Management: How are we building trust and safety during conflict? What is our commitment level to one another?  Is there forgiveness and humility?

We have talked about a lot of topics and questions to add to a checklist. We don’t necessarily have to recreate the wheel though. Two great resources to check out that have evaluations that can be used on an annual basis are SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) and Prepare and Enrich. Both are premarital resources, but as I said, they have evaluations that are really useful to look at.