Is the story in your head hurting your relationship?
We all get sucked into stories every day. No, I’m not talking about the feed of your social media account. I’m talking about the little narrative you tell yourself in your head when you process everyday experiences. Our brains are designed to take in information (what we experience with our 5 senses) and filter it through what we have experienced before to see if it is threatening or not. This generates a feeling; emotions that have pre-recorded thoughts (assumptions) attached. The combination of the feeling and assumptions create a story that we tell ourselves to keep ourselves safe and process what to do with the the information we take in.
Here is the problem… We don’t have control over this whole process! Because this is the way we are designed, it happens automatically. Which is great for survival but not so great for relationships. This gets in the way of actually understanding your partner. It keeps you safe, yes, but at the cost of creating intimacy with the person you love and care for. The nature of creating a deep meaningful relationship is that we have to be vulnerable… red flags should be popping up in your head. Vulnerability is risk. It is also the building block to connect with other people.
Here is a story… I’m sitting in bed with my wife and she is on her phone. I’m (surprisingly) not on my phone and want to talk and connect with her. She is engrossed in the article she is reading from Webmd. I don’t know what she is reading but she is into it so I leave her alone. The problem is that I feel rejected and tell myself that she thinks the article is more important than me. I roll away from her and turn out my light. I mumble goodnight and try to sleep… with these assumptions about her intentions rolling around in my head.
I told myself a story that she doesn’t love me and she doesn’t want to spend time with me based on my feelings of rejection. I didn’t even ask her to talk or engage her in conversation… How was she going to meet my need of intimacy without me expressing my desire for it?!? Crazy right! Well, this happens to most of us, most days. The good news is the next time you feel like your partner isn’t connecting with you, think… “what is the story I’m telling myself”? What happens next is understanding...