Are differences between you and your partner causing tension?
Photo by Fernando Prado on Unsplash
In my earlier post on conflict in your relationship, I described how having conflict in your relationship is a natural part of doing life with someone. You get to experience their differences which feels wrong because it is not natural to you and your idea of how it “should” be. You experience this all the time when you enter into a new or novel situation. It’s unfamiliar and does not align with your previous experience so it feels wrong and unnatural… which it is to you… However, that is someone else’s natural and familiar experience.
Being able to accept that your partner has a different experience, preference, or value than you is a relational skill. You may have not learned this in the family you grew up with. It may not have been modeled how to be understanding and accepting of another person’s differences. That’s ok… now is the time to develop the skill. Now is the time to start learning how to show acceptance and love to your partner.
The crazy part of this is that you start your relationship being open to these differences and actually delighting in getting to know them. As you get more familiar or comfortable with each other the desire to pursue them like you did while dating diminishes. You begin to think, “I know you, why do I need to pursue you like that?” Or, “You’re mine, I shouldn’t have to work that hard to win you over.” These scripts sound familiar?
To stay in a committed relationship and have it thrive, you have to constantly be pursuing each other. Because the reality is that your partner is constantly changing and adapting to their environment and experiences. So the person you decide to be with when you first started the relationship is a different person than you are with today. So when you look at your partner, see them with fresh eyes as a person who needs to be pursued and known. If you are a bit like me, you want to be accepted and loved for who you are. Start to show this kind of warm acceptance and love to your partner and see how you can build trust, resolve conflict, and have a deeper intimacy than you’ve experienced in a long time.
If you want to personally work on your relationship with a therapist schedule your free consultation with me and I will help you by either walking your journey with you or pointing you to someone else who can help you!