The Four Horsemen are destroying your relationship
We all engage in communication in most aspects of our lives. The communication you engage with your partner either brings connection or conflict. What this means is that when you are communicating with your partner in a healthy connecting communication loop, you are turning toward each other and reinforcing the relationship with your communication. When you are in a conflict communication loop, you are turning away from or often against your partner.
To better understand what gets us into conflict communication we need to know about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (coined by Doctors John and Julia Gottman). The first of those is criticism, being defined as “attacking your partner’s character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong.” A typical way to see this is the use of generalizations; “you always…” “you never…” “you’re the type of person who…” “why are you so…” You get the picture. The second of the four horsemen is contempt, being defined as “attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him or her.” This can be seen as insulting or name-calling, hostile humor or sarcasm/mockery, and the body language or tone of voice you use.
The third horseman is defensiveness, being defined as “seeing yourself as the victim or warding off a perceived attack.” There are a litany of ways that we come across as defensive but here are just a few; making excuses, whining that “it’s not fair,” yes-butting (start off agreeing and then disagree). The last of the four horsemen is stonewalling, being defined as “withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict.” This seems like a logical response to be neutral however, it conveys “disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness.” This looks like stony silence, changing the subject, physically removing yourself, or giving the silent treatment.
According to Bob and Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael from the website www.marleneandbob.com in their article on the four horseman, there are several ways that they recommend remedying the habits listened above. The first is learning to make specific complaints and requests. This looks like the script “when X happened, I felt Y, and I want Z.” The second is validating your partner. This looks like telling your partner what makes sense to you about what they are saying and letting them know you understand what they are feeling, trying to see through their eyes. The third is to shift your focus to appreciation and highlighting what is helpful or good about any given situation. The Gottman’s research says it takes at least 5 positive deposits to neutralize a negative withdrawal. That one is a lot of work to simply connect.
The fourth suggestion is to claim responsibility. This looks like asking yourself, “What can I learn from this?” As well as, “What can I do about it?” The power of this is to shift from focusing on what they have done wrong or how they have offended you to focusing on what you can take ownership and responsibility on. The fifth thing they recommend is to re-write your inner script. This means that you replace your inner thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation and responsibility that are soothing and validating. The sixth recommendation they have is to practice getting undefended. This looks like allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really are: just puffs of air. To let go of the stories that you are making up in your head.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.