How Your Relationship Today Began Before You Met

If you were to pattern your romantic relationship after what you see in a Hallmark Christmas movie, you might think that the scenario goes like this: girl and guy get together, another guy enters the picture, girl falls for other guy while first guy goes back to the city for work and she stays in her hometown for the holidays, girl falls in love with the second guy but that romance gets interrupted when the first guy comes back to town unexpectedly, the girl has to break it to the first guy that she’s no longer wanting to be with him, and the girl and the second guy get back together, kiss, and the credits roll.

Like a Hallmark movie, the relationship you see at the end has a build up to it.  There are many factors that play into the end result and the quality of that final relationship.  While not scripted, you might be surprised to know that your adult relationship is impacted by factors of attachment that happened in each person’s childhoods.

Secure Attachment- When individuals have a secure attachment in childhood, their later adult relationships are generally equipped to be smoother than those of other attachment styles.  Two securely attached adults can feel safe, secure, and stable both within themselves as individuals as well as in their closest relationships.  Healthy expressions of needs, wants, and feelings are all possible strengths that can help build mutual connection and understanding between those in the relationship.

Trust is easier to build, and the ability to face and negotiate stressors and conflict does not necessarily cause excessive drama as other attachment styles might.

Securely attached individuals likely had at least one primary caregiver who was present and effective in providing for their physical, emotional, and soothing needs in early life, which helped their nervous systems to be able to relax and bond in safety and connection.

Ambivalent/Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment- This type of attachment in early childhood to the primary caregiver leaves individuals uncertain, low in self-esteem, anxious, and fearful that they will not be wanted by others. This may present in adult relationships as being desperate to cling to attachments and uncertain of the stability in the relationship. Difficulties might arise when a typical boundary or time apart leads to a sense of panic, fear, or anger toward the other, a need for reassurance that things are fine with the security of the relationship, and plenty of attention from the other even if nothing has changed or gone wrong.  Guilting, jealous, manipulation, and controlling behaviors may play a part if not intentionally prevented.

This style of attachment likely came about because of an early caregiver who was only partially dependable and attuned to the needs of the child.  Inconsistency and unpredictability as to when needs would be sufficiently met and when they wouldn’t causes this style.

Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment-Those with this attachment style are cautious of depending too much on closeness and intimacy with others, feeling safest when they do not rely on others nor be relied upon by others.  Emotional intimacy is difficult for those with this attachment style and likely uncomfortable.  This can cause difficulty in romantic relationships.  Needing intimacy feels like a threat to people with this attachment style. 

The primary caregiver in this scenario was likely predictably unavailable to the child.

Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment-Those affected by this attachment style experience fear that they do not deserve intimacy in relationship, with a sense that the world is scary and not safe.  This can lead to swings between valuing relationships and devaluing them, leading to dramatic patterns of extremes in behavior.  Unfortunately, this attachment style may lead to difficulty taking responsibility for oneself and one’s actions and extreme fear of being hurt again.

The relationship with the primary caregiver was likely traumatic for this child, unpredictable, and a cause of fear.

While your attachment style does not doom you to difficulty in your romantic relationships in adulthood, it may make them easier or more difficult depending on the attachment needs and wounds that are hit upon in each member of the couple.

The important thing is to learn about your particular triggers and pain points so that you can get help to learn new skills that can better regulate your nervous system to connect in healthy ways, no matter the point from which you started.

Help is available in therapy, so if you need help to overcome attachment wounds, please reach out for help: 541-275-0412

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle

Where Do You Find Your Value and Worth?

There are many different ways we try to find our self-worth and value in our lives.  We try through work, marriage, parenting, etc.  We also try to gain self-worth and value from perfectionism, but when we do it is not always in the good way.  As we’ve talked about over the last several weeks, perfectionism comes with a lot of self-criticism and can transfer to how we experience our partners.  In general, our parents want the best for us so they push and push us to achieve perfection which carries over into adulthood.  For a while we may even feel valuable when we are trying for the best, but we may not actually feel that way internally or for long because our perfectionism tells us there is always more to strive for.  We learn a lot about our value from our relationships, especially during our childhood.  We first learn from our parents (whether they accept or reject us) and then as we grow older we learn about value from our friendships and whether or not they accept our bids for connection.  We have all had experiences where we question our connection to those around us.  When we question that we also question what our value and self-worth are.  

As Christians we often struggle with perfectionism because we feel the pressure to be perfect all the time.  If God is perfect, shouldn’t we be?  But nowhere does God ever call for us to be perfect, that is human pressure that we put on ourselves.  God tells us “In your sin, I died for you.”  This means that he knows we make mistakes and mess up, but he loves us anyways and because of it.  When we or our partners make mistakes it is easy to show disappointment towards them and ourselves.  How can we engage with compassion and grace rather than criticism and disappointment?  As always, we have to take baby steps to changing our responses.  It is important to first notice the challenge in front of you; understand that perfectionism is something that we are taught.  We have to reteach ourselves that there are many ways to achieve a goal and that in general we are all doing our best (even if it doesn’t match your perception/expectations of “best”).  After that we have to ask ourselves what is the message we want others to get from us?  This applies to everyone, children, partners, friends, etc.  How did you feel as a child when your parents pushed you to be your “best”?

A big part of the Christian journey during our lives is learning that God is the one who ultimately decides our value and worth.  God tells us that you are special, he made you, and sent his son to die for you.  We are all called children of God and this inherently makes us special and valuable.  His unconditional love and acceptance is the foundation of our value.  In the movie Fight Club they say at one point, “If our parents were models for God and they failed us, what does that say about God?”  It’s easy to think that way, but it’s also not quite fair.  Our parents and our friends are human and fallible just like we are which is why God doesn't fail us. 

With that being said, if there is something that is bothering you, you have two options.  You can either try to get over it and not let it bother you, or you can address it with the individual.  When you are addressing the issue it is not a time for judgement and criticism.  It should be a discussion with that individual where you show up with grace and compassion and are able to express what your needs and hopes are.  You don’t have to suffer in your frustration, tell your partner “it really is frustrating to me…” They may respond with “I am feeling judged or less than right now.”  That is okay!  Respond with something along the lines of, “I’m just bringing this up because I want you to know what is going on inside of me not because I am judging you.”  When both partners are able to be honest with where they are at in the moment it can be worked through.  By leading with grace, compassion and acceptance you are creating a safe space where having differing experiences is okay.  By doing this you are honoring that you are both in the process of learning and growing and neither of you are less than because of the situation.  You are valuable, they are valuable, you make a team and are in it together!

For those of you on the other side of the relationship, maybe your partner is struggling with perfectionism, this is for you.  When they are hard or negative towards you, they are probably equally if not more hard on themselves.  This is not an excuse to allow them to continue, but hopefully help gain some understanding for their experience.  You can stand up for yourself without putting your partner down.  Remember, you are good enough, you are good as you are, you are lovely, and your value is not determined by what you do.  You are just letting them know how it affects you.  Use the example above and tweek it so it feels more natural for you!

If you remember one concept from all of this it should be that your value and worth cannot be defined by anyone else.  Only God can determine that.  Being human means we make mistakes, this does not lessen your value!  How we respond and interact with ourselves is just as important as how we interact with others, at times maybe more important.  Once we recognize that we are inherently valuable we can treat others like they are as well.

Financial Stress in Relationships

Are there times when it feels like you and your partner have the same goal for your finances but are still struggling to communicate how to reach that financial goal? You are not alone! Everyone looks at finances differently and this can become extremely apparent when you are in a relationship with someone else.  Before entering into a relationship, we have each developed our own ideas about how we want to spend and save our money.  When we are not on the same page as our partner it is not uncommon to find ourselves in conflict because it is difficult to come together when we each want it our own way.  

We may also have differing financial goals or no goals at all, this may cause frustration in one or both partners.  This is where acceptance in a relationship plays a key part. By acknowledging that our partner has a different and valid viewpoint we are letting them know that we hear and understand them. Once we do this we can work together and set a goal that works for both individuals.  

There are a lot of unknowns when it comes to finances and that can be another cause of stress personally and in a relationship.  It can be easy to let one partner take control over the finances and “set it and forget it.” But this can have its own consequences.  By setting it and forgetting it one partner has essentially given all responsibility to the other and can go about their daily life without thinking about finances.  This may seem like it works for a while, but the other partner has taken on a burden that can feel overwhelming. 

When each partner has a say in what happens with their money they are saying that it does not matter who brings in the money.  By having this mindset they are creating a mutual power.  In therapy there is the belief that if you really are committed to making a change you will not go over two weeks without a session.  The same idea goes for making financial changes and decisions.  When partners discuss budgeting and finances regularly they are setting a routine of coming together and showing each other that they are invested in one another.  It goes so much farther than just money!

Rise out of the ashes!

When you find yourself stuck in a situation that you have determined to be more than you can handle... understand that your past is only a learning experience and it does not get to tell you your value, ability, passions, or limitations.

The way you think about yourself is the ultimate limitation of your present and future. The possibilities are endless and you can be more, do more, try different things than you have in the past. When you past calls to tell you who you are... Let it go to voicemail. It doesn't see potential or growth. All it sees is risk and limitations. 

In your relationship, the patterns of communication do not have to continue. You can and will break them because you are strong and are not going to settle for what has been.

The mythical phoenix is reborn when it is consumed by fire and rises from the ashes as a new and changed bird. Similarly, there is a species of conifer tree that requires fires to open up the seed pod. Without the fire, that tree will not be able to reproduce. Our experiences can become the fire that consumes us giving birth to something different and beautiful.

If your perspective is that you are consumed by your experiences and that determines your value, ability, and options in life… you are right. However, if you see your experiences as opportunities to grow and become a better person… YOU ARE RIGHT!

Believe in yourself! I do!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

Do you thrive in conflict?

Conflict is not an option in relationships. One of the best ways to not only survive but thrive in conflict is to grow in resiliency. 

What does it mean to be resilient? 

Resilience is defined by Miriam-Webster dictionary as: a. capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture. Or b. tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

Here are three simple steps to grow in resiliency.

1. Stay curious of your own emotions, thoughts and behavior. Being curious about your experience is the first step to self-awareness. 

2. Try to understand and stay curious as to how your emotions, thoughts and behaviors affect your relationships and perceptions. This opens you up to being able to not only understand yourself, but to start being curious about other’s experience as well.

3. Develop habits of assertiveness and receptiveness to experiencing discomfort personally and with other people. This will deepen your understanding in conflict and your ability to address conflict in real time instead of avoiding it, prolonging the pain and discomfort.

So if you want to build trust, resolve conflict and deepen intimacy with your partner, please give these a try. You will probably experience the by-products of more resolution and a better sense of well-being.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

A Framework for Relationship Success

When thinking through the 3 C’s of communication (borrowed from www.securemarriage.com) it is important to understand what moves us from the conflict cycle of communication to the connection cycle of communication. As we have outlined a basic understanding of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in the last post, you now have a simple understanding of what gets us into the conflict cycle. I’ve thought about what gets us out of the conflict cycle to create connecting communication and have come up with six core relationship values.

The VALUES make up an acronym: Vulnerable, Accountable, Learning, Understanding, Empathy, Shared meaning. These six values are practiced to bring you into the connecting communication where it is possible to build trust, resolve conflict and deepen your intimacy. Let’s briefly break them down as to how they work in the context of a relationship.

Vulnerability is the amount of openness and receptiveness you have in your relationship. In most aspects of life there requires some level of vulnerability or risk. The reason for this is that we require relationships to function in the day-to-day activities for survival. Where there is a relationship, regardless of depth, there is vulnerability. Bringing this back to connecting communication… to build trust, resolve conflict, or deepen intimacy you are required to share about yourself; your opinions, values, ways of doing things. So when you do this you make yourself vulnerable to someone’s evaluation or acceptance of these things. It is requires openness to be known and loved. It requires receptiveness to someone else to know and love.

Accountability is a posture of being proactive, intentional, and responsible. In any relationship there are commitments you make as a function of building trust and establishing reliability. You agree to be intentional with how you consider your partner in your actions. There is responsibility to how you act towards your partner when you are in conflict or in peace. You are accountable to have integrity in who you are in and out of the relationship. Integrity is a way of being regardless of circumstance or emotion.

Learning is established by curiosity for yourself and for your partner. Often when you find conflict in your relationship is because you have forgotten to see your partner as a person to be loved and they become a problem to be fixed. This happens around differing opinions, values and experiences without the sense that your partner's just as important and valid as you. Getting a mindset of curiosity about your partner opens up with vulnerability the acceptance and influence of their perspective. Also you might be focusing on your partner or their actions or the busyness of life and you miss the opportunity to be curious about yourself and how you are growing and changing and developing. Curiosity about yourself and your partner enables acceptance and intimacy in your relationship.

Understanding is the posture of positive regard in trying to see yourself and your partner for who you are and why you do what you do. It is the knowledge of experiences that is either shared or personal. A reflection to wrap your head around what you and your partner might be experiencing. You will get into conflict by assuming you know what someone’s experience is without actually taking the time to talk to them and this leaves your partner feeling judged and misunderstood. Your brain naturally fills in gaps of stories, so this posture is really to gain a sense of perspective. This will increase your understanding of yourself and your partner as you take pause to really understand what you are personally going through and what your partner is experiencing.

Empathy differs from understanding in that you are showing your concern and connection to a person in the midst of their experience. You can do this with yourself by giving yourself compassion for an experience you have instead of condemnation and criticism. This is an important skill to practice because it helps you feel grounded and safe in the middle of an experience. It also helps you not project your own insecurities onto your partner. Showing empathy to your partner is a courageous act of validating your relationship and your connection to them while being with them. It is showing compassion for the emotions they are experiencing, not by trying to fix it, but being present and non-judgmental or critical in your presence. This connecting presence in the midst of communication creates intimacy and builds trust that you can rely on this person to be there for you.

Shared meaning is the sensitivity to plan life with your partner in mind. The way this happens naturally is through a shared joke, or memory, or planning of an event. It is a million tiny moments where you are together in life and showing that you lean toward one another instead of against or away from each other. The Gottman Institute calls these bids for connection. You constantly make small bids for people’s attention, time, and energy. The more you can recognize and respond to such small attempts to connect the more you will build trust, resolve conflict and deepen intimacy with your partner.

Thanks for taking the time to read through these suggested relationship V.A.L.U.E.S. I hope that they ring true for you and that you can build trust, resolve conflict and deepen your intimacy with them. How are you building trust, resolving conflict or deepening your relationships intimacy through these six core values?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

The Four Horsemen are destroying your relationship

We all engage in communication in most aspects of our lives. The communication you engage with your partner either brings connection or conflict. What this means is that when you are communicating with your partner in a healthy connecting communication loop, you are turning toward each other and reinforcing the relationship with your communication. When you are in a conflict communication loop, you are turning away from or often against your partner.

To better understand what gets us into conflict communication we need to know about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (coined by Doctors John and Julia Gottman). The first of those is criticism, being defined as “attacking your partner’s character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong.” A typical way to see this is the use of generalizations; “you always…” “you never…” “you’re the type of person who…” “why are you so…” You get the picture. The second of the four horsemen is contempt, being defined as “attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him or her.” This can be seen as insulting or name-calling, hostile humor or sarcasm/mockery, and the body language or tone of voice you use.

The third horseman is defensiveness, being defined as “seeing yourself as the victim or warding off a perceived attack.” There are a litany of ways that we come across as defensive but here are just a few; making excuses, whining that “it’s not fair,” yes-butting (start off agreeing and then disagree). The last of the four horsemen is stonewalling, being defined as “withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict.” This seems like a logical response to be neutral however, it conveys “disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness.” This looks like stony silence, changing the subject, physically removing yourself, or giving the silent treatment.

According to Bob and Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael from the website www.marleneandbob.com in their article on the four horseman, there are several ways that they recommend remedying the habits listened above. The first is learning to make specific complaints and requests. This looks like the script “when X happened, I felt Y, and I want Z.” The second is validating your partner. This looks like telling your partner what makes sense to you about what they are saying and letting them know you understand what they are feeling, trying to see through their eyes. The third is to shift your focus to appreciation and highlighting what is helpful or good about any given situation. The Gottman’s research says it takes at least 5 positive deposits to neutralize a negative withdrawal. That one is a lot of work to simply connect.

The fourth suggestion is to claim responsibility. This looks like asking yourself, “What can I learn from this?” As well as, “What can I do about it?” The power of this is to shift from focusing on what they have done wrong or how they have offended you to focusing on what you can take ownership and responsibility on. The fifth thing they recommend is to re-write your inner script. This means that you replace your inner thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation and responsibility that are soothing and validating. The sixth recommendation they have is to practice getting undefended. This looks like allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really are: just puffs of air. To let go of the stories that you are making up in your head.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

Why you don’t want a conflict free marriage…

Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash

Let’s talk about vulnerability. When you are vulnerable, you share part of yourself with someone. This could be and experience that you had earlier in the day or something that was traumatic, or something that the other person did that you had an emotional reaction to. It is a risky endeavor to be vulnerable.

Why it is important to be vulnerable is because that is one of the best ways to build trust. This presents an issue if you have the mentality that the person you are sharing your life with needs to have the same values and experiences you do. The Gottman Institute, out of Seattle, has done a lot of research on this and shown that compatability or having “sameness” doesn’t actually create connection. It is actually the ability to meet your spouse in their difference with understanding and acceptance that creates connection.

Conflict naturally arises when your values, opinions, and beliefs are different from those of your spouse. This is actually exciting because you have the opportunity to show them that you care and want to understand their experience. When you approach this opportunity with openness and a willingness to listen for understanding, intimacy is actually forged through these differences. That’s right! The connection in the midst of the difference builds intimacy! The good news is that we have these opportunities every day and we will miss some and meet some. You get to decide how you show up for your spouse! If you are a bit like me, you will start looking for ways to connect through the differences and conflict instead of disconnecting. Stay humble and start with listening, extending the invitation for your spouse to be known and loved.

If you want help learning how to do this, please schedule an appointment.

How to Repair your relationship after you hurt them

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Anatomy of a sincere apology:

Take responsibility for the hurt you have cause by your actions.

I am sorry for ______ and the way it made you feel ______.

Validate the relationship and commit to trying to be better next time.

I love you, want to make our relationship work and never wanted to make you feel ______. I will do my best to ______ so that I don’t cause you to feel ______ for that again.

Invite them to relationship.

Please forgive me for ______. I want to start fresh and love you better.

This is a simple formula that is difficult to execute in an emotional situation. Our natural tendency is to turn away and be defensive. The point of this formula is to turn toward your spouse in the midst of conflict instead of turning away.