How Do We Love Our Families While Also Setting Boundaries?
How Do You Budget Your Connection Time With Boundaries?
Boundaries are a difficult topic to discuss with loved ones and even more difficult to enforce. Two people in a relationship often come from different standards of familial involvement. While some families may see each other three times a week, others may only get together over the holidays. Neither of these are right or wrong, but when partners have different expectations for how often they will spend time with their extended family tension can build and boundaries may feel as if they have been crossed. Maybe your boundary river feels as if it is overflowing and the distinct banks are blurred.
We previously discussed budgeting our money, but we must also budget our time. Where do we feel it is important to spend our time versus where does our partner feel the need to budget their time? When we honor each other's experiences and using acceptance, understanding and empathy we can develop a compromise that allows both partners to win. If we look at extroverts and introverts, they each need different levels of connection to recharge their batteries. This may mean that instead of spending three days a week at social events together, a couple will compromise to only go to one event a week together.
As the holidays approach and we continue to deal with COVID-19, the way we connect with others and ourselves has changed even if our needs are still the same. Due to restrictions many people are feeling isolated even within their own homes. Why is this? We need to use our curiosity and ask our partners how they are feeling about their level of connection. Asking questions such as, “Are you getting enough connection with family or me?” or “Do you need more alone time?” can help alleviate our feelings of isolation when we feel heard by our significant others and having them let us know that it is okay to ask for what we need.
It can be difficult to ask these questions, especially when we are not sure where to start so I have listed some discussion topics that may be beneficial to kick off these conversations:
Downtime and Sabbath: John Mark Comer wrote a book called The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry which explores the necessity of having a Sabbath, or an off day. By giving ourselves a day off we are providing the space to truly disconnect and recharge. This has to be an intentional space where we give ourselves permission to do nothing. In other words, do not have an agenda for one day! This allows you to participate in activities that recharge you and are not part of our daily responsibilities.
Social Events, Sports and Recreation and Church and Faith: I have lumped these three together because they are often related and have social components. They can also be tied to pieces of our identity. If we love sports we often want our children to participate in them or when church is a major aspect of our identity and life, we want to also teach our children about God and faith. Asking our partners what is important to them and expressing what is important to you is vital, even if what one partner needs differs from the other. It is okay to participate in social events separately!
Remote Learning/Homeschooling: Due to the current pandemic, many people have children at home right now and are trying to manage their children's needs as well as their own. Ask each other questions like, “What time boundaries do we need to set in regards to their school work?” and “What can I do to help provide them with what they need to succeed even if I can’t sit there with them all day?”
Self-care/Exercise and Meals/Meal Prep: These two are placed together because they are often seen as optional but in reality they are critical! When I say exercise I do not mean that everyone needs to be training for a marathon or lifting weights 5 days a week. Exercise can look like taking a walk around your neighborhood, anything that gets your body moving. Meals are another place where people often feel like they just do not have the time to do it all. It is not uncommon to have an all or nothing mentality when it comes to self-care/exercise and meals saying things like “If I don’t have the time to exercise for a full hour or I don’t have time for lunch today, I’m just not going to do it at all.” It is okay to pull a freezer dinner at times!
These discussion topics are where growth mentality plays an important role and does not allow space for rigid thinking. When we are all or nothing we are not allowing the space for compromise. Growth mentality is expressing your wants and needs to your partner and also asking them theirs. Let's meet in the middle that way we can all get what we need!
