How is Trust Impacting Your Disagreements?
A common theme that I have seen come up while working with individuals in a relationship (this could mean a romantic, friendship, or familial relationship) is that when they have disagreements with someone else we believe that the other individual is not willing to hold a safe space for us. In other words, we associate having a difference of opinion with a lack of trust or as if we are not being respected. And if that is the case, you may feel there is no need to show up. This is a logical response, but it is also a response that halts forward progress. One way to move forward is to ask yourself how you are showing up during a disagreement.
This first step of addressing how you show up is to get in touch with your body. By this I mean assess what is going on inside of your body. When we react negatively it is often because we are unaware of our internal responses which may look like a tightness of chest, tight muscles, anxiety, stomach, etc. When you become aware of your internal processes, you are then able to slow down your instinctual reaction and even redirect to one that improves effective communication. You may be asking how you can become aware of these internal responses when they are insticutal. One exercise that has shown to be helpful is practicing the mindfulness technique of breathing. Breathing may sound obvious, but it is the first thing to go when we become emotionally heightened. Intentionally focussing on breathing is a physiological reset that takes us out of the fight, flight, and freeze response and reconnects us with our prefrontal cortex which then allows us to have more rational conversations.
Now that we have discussed how to assess how we show up during a disagreement, you must ask yourself what you are responsible for. In John Townsend’s and Henry Cloud’s book Boundaries, they use the metaphor of a backpack. In our backpacks we hold our values, attitudes, beliefs and feelings. During a disagreement we sometimes feel like the other person is taking our beliefs out of our backpack and is then trying to tell us what we should believe. This is where defensiveness comes from and where it is important to acknowledge this response and practice breathing. Next you must ask yourself what in your backpack feels compromised or threatened. It is most likely not actually about the toothpaste being squeezed from the wrong end!
Our backpacks can also get heavy at times because we often feel responsible for other’s feelings. In a sense, we are taking their feelings out of their backpack and putting it in our own. In general, people do not want to make others feel bad or upset so when it does happen it can induce shame, guilt, and feelings of not being enough. So we try to protect them and feel responsible if we perceive our actions have caused harm. It is important to realize that just as they are not responsible for your feelings and reactions, you are not responsible for theirs.
Trust in a relationship is also tied to expectations regarding safety and security. When we are uncertain with who we are and where we stand we can easily become defensive and upset when we feel our values are being disregarded. To become confident in who we are we must first put our trust in God as he is where we get our worth and value. Once we trust in God, we can extend our trust to others. In the previous post we discussed a couple with differing political views. This couple could have told the story that they could not trust their partner with their beliefs and opinions, but instead they chose to tell the story that their partner loves and respects them and they value that more than being ‘right.’ They actively choose to be a team because they are able to trust one another with their differing beliefs.
Tell yourself that your partner is trustworthy! You both chose to be in a relationship for a reason and there must have been a foundation of trust at one point. As humans, we make mistakes and at times those mistakes are bigger than others. This process of relearning to trust one another can be a difficult one. You are learning to live together again and how to be more intentional with your words. But like the couple with differing political views, we have to choose what story we want to tell ourselves about our partners. When we are in a disagreement we often tell ourselves that our partners are not trustworthy and that they do not understand us which is why we must repeat the mantra that they are trustworthy! When you connect with God in regards to your worth, value and your ability to be confident in that, then lean towards your partner. See what happens!
