Making a Commitment is Risky, but Worth It!
If you have read the last several posts you have probably noticed the theme of disagreements and how trust and acceptance can improve the way we disagree. Disagreements are a normal part of relationships. We all enter relationships with different views and beliefs and patterns of communication that influence how we then communicate within our relationships. Commitment is another aspect that can determine whether or not disagreements are going to continue in a negative cycle or shift to a more positive cycle where you are able to disagree while still feeling safe and heard. A lack of commitment can often fuel disagreements because the foundation of trust that a commitment needs may not be there. Commitment is risky but it is necessary in creating a resilient relationship.
Making a commitment is the dedication of being accountable for who you are in the relationship as well as for how you show up for your partner and yourself. One form of commitment is through marriage vows. When you say “till death do us part” you are saying that you are willing to do whatever it takes, that you will work hard to create a resilient relationship. By telling yourself and your partner, “I believe in us” you are showing up even when it is really hard to do so. If there is no commitment beyond words, you most likely will not show up in an understanding or curious way. This does not mean it will be easy to continue showing up and to be committed, but if we let our uncertainty get in the way, we are allowing fuel to be added into our disagreements which will only magnify feelings of insecurity and hurt.
We have talked in previous posts that it is important to actively choose your partner. You have to remind yourself of who you are, what you want together, and who you are together. This is a way to start over and break the perception of me vs. you and changing it to us vs. whatever outside force. Both individuals in a relationship are accountable for choosing each other during a disagreement. This can be hard when we have no idea where they are coming from. When this is the case, saying “I choose you” is telling them that you are committed to trying, even if you do not understand them right now.
How do you know if you are committed to the process? Creating a resilient relationship can be a grueling process, it is not easy to break patterns that have become ingrained in your relationship. Being committed is saying, “this isn’t working, hey therapist can you help us and give us some tools?” Another way to look at being committed is to realize that you are a model. In general, parents do not want their children to see them having a disagreement, but if you hide disagreements from them, they grow up and do not know how to have healthy disagreements in a way that will help them stay committed and problem solve. It is important to show children that arguments are a normal part of a relationship as well show them how to have them in a healthy way. You are then communicating to them that you still love each other and are committed to working it out. This message will influence how they communicate in the future!
I do not know who needs to hear this, but I will just say this, it is okay to struggle! We often receive the message from society that if you are struggling in your relationship it is bad and should be ended so we hide and do not ask for help when we need it. This is not true though. A key characteristic to being a resilient individual is struggling at times. When we struggle and accept that it happens we build endurance, which leads to perseverance, in turn creates character, and then develops hope. When we accept our struggles we are then able to keep moving forward and practice new ways of communication. By doing this we are helping ourselves fight against both personal and relational fragility. Giving up or distancing ourselves from our partners is often self-preservation. If we accept that we are struggling now and take responsibility for how we show up instead of giving up, we are trusting in hope that things can then change. Have hope in the future of your relationship!
