Our Experiences Make Us Who We Are
Over the last several posts we have talked a lot about disagreements and how they impact our relationships. All of those topics (i.e., trust, commitment, and acceptance) that have been addressed make up our worldview. We learned how to do all of these things through our upbringing, just like our political leanings were shaped and how we understand affection and sexuality. Our experiences influence how we view and understand the world around us. When we have disagreements with our partners it can often feel like they are attacking our beliefs and values. By this I mean that our partners are most likely not attacking our beliefs or us personally, they are just seeing an argument through the lense of their worldview which as we know, is different from our own. So if it can be so hard to be with someone who is so different than us why are we?
One question that I have found helpful to ask yourself when you find yourself becoming annoyed with your partner is “What attracted me to them in the first place?” This is a good question because often when we are young, differences can be new and exciting. As we get older though, our tolerance level for differences tends to get lower so what originally drew us towards our partners may now be something that we find irritating. Here is an example! A woman was describing her husband and one description was how much he talked… all the time. She explained that when they first started dating she really liked how much he talked because it never felt like she had to pull conversation out of him which was very different from her previous relationships. But after being together for 15 years, she no longer found his ample conversation as endearing and fun and at times thought it was exhausting. What she said next is what was really important. She said that even though how much her husband talks could at times be irritating she would remind herself that she used to love that about him and when she felt overwhelmed or tired she would let him know that she needed a break from the conversation and would like to come back to it later. If you have read previous posts you may have noticed how often we talk about noticing what is going on in your body or how different emotions are presenting themselves as physical symptoms. In the example I just gave, the woman was able to recognize that she was feeling overwhelmed in her body and was then assertive by asking for what she needed in the moment which was a break.
Something else that I have found to be effective is to remind yourself during a disagreement or when you are feeling frustrated is that you have chosen your partner. You have not just chosen the “good parts”, but you chose all of them. It is a package deal! Once you acknowledge this, you can then ask “how can we move forward?” A few questions that can be helpful when going through this process, especially when it feels as if you and your partner disagree on everything, is to look at what you do agree on. What is your common ground? Maybe these are questions you ask internally at first, but it is then helpful to discuss this with your partner as well. This is where reflective listening comes in. By reflecting back to your partner what you are hearing you are letting them know that you hear them and that you are at least trying to understand where they are coming from. This does not mean that you have to agree with them. By being curious you are also telling them that you accept their point of view even if you do not agree. Just because their view is different than yours it does not mean that they are wrong!
Now all that being said, how do you find intimacy and connection in your relationship when your worldviews are so different?? We like to use the acronym VALUES in these situations. V stands for vulnerability meaning that you are able to be honest and share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. As well as be receptive to change and show acceptance for your partner’s differences. A represents accountability. This means that we are accountable for how we choose to show up and have to take responsibility and initiative for yourself. We have talked a lot about accountability looking like being able to acknowledge that we made mistakes during an argument as well. L stands for learning and ties in closely to accountability. We are in charge of learning about ourselves as well as our partners. This is where curiosity comes in! We have to have the desire to understand our partners. U is for understanding. When we have the desire to learn about our partners it leads to the path of better understanding. It can help normalize an experience and we find ourselves saying “oh, that makes more sense to me!” E represents empathy. When we have empathy for others we are able to sit in our partner’s shoes and hold space for their experiences. The very nature of empathy is presence, just the act of being there with them. Empathy looks like reflective listening; even when we may not be able to truly understand our partners experience we are able to reflect back to them what we are hearing and choose to be there with them. Lastly, S stands for shared meaning. This is where we feel a sense of purpose when we are together. We are able to pull close together through shared experiences.
When we live and act through VALUES, we are able to create a sense of safety with our partners. It can help provide a path forward out of the rut we can at times find ourselves in. Everything we have talked about in the last few posts (trust, commitment, acceptance, etc.) is incorporated into VALUES. We all have different worldviews and that can become even more apparent when we are in a close relationship with someone else. But by being vulnerable and curious, and showing empathy and understanding we are able to create shared meaning together that allows us to feel close to others and look past our differences.
