Do you thrive in conflict?
One of the best ways to not only survive but thrive in conflict is to grow in resiliency.
Conflict is not an option in relationships. One of the best ways to not only survive but thrive in conflict is to grow in resiliency.
What does it mean to be resilient?
Resilience is defined by Miriam-Webster dictionary as: a. capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture. Or b. tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.
Here are three simple steps to grow in resiliency.
Stay curious of your own emotions, thoughts and behavior. Being curious about your experience is the first step to self-awareness.
Try to understand and stay curious as to how your emotions, thoughts and behaviors affect your relationships and perceptions. This opens you up to being able to not only understand yourself, but to start being curious about other’s experience as well.
Develop habits of assertiveness and receptiveness to experiencing discomfort personally and with other people. This will deepen your understanding in conflict and your ability to address conflict in real time instead of avoiding it, prolonging the pain and discomfort.
So if you want to build trust, resolve conflict and deepen intimacy with your partner, please give these a try. You will probably experience the by-products of more resolution and a better sense of well-being.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.
Why you don’t want a conflict free marriage…
The Gottman Institute, out of Seattle, has done a lot of research on this and shown that compatability or having “sameness” doesn’t actually create connection. It is actually the ability to meet your spouse in their difference with understanding and acceptance that creates connection.
Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash
Let’s talk about vulnerability. When you are vulnerable, you share part of yourself with someone. This could be and experience that you had earlier in the day or something that was traumatic, or something that the other person did that you had an emotional reaction to. It is a risky endeavor to be vulnerable.
Why it is important to be vulnerable is because that is one of the best ways to build trust. This presents an issue if you have the mentality that the person you are sharing your life with needs to have the same values and experiences you do. The Gottman Institute, out of Seattle, has done a lot of research on this and shown that compatability or having “sameness” doesn’t actually create connection. It is actually the ability to meet your spouse in their difference with understanding and acceptance that creates connection.
Conflict naturally arises when your values, opinions, and beliefs are different from those of your spouse. This is actually exciting because you have the opportunity to show them that you care and want to understand their experience. When you approach this opportunity with openness and a willingness to listen for understanding, intimacy is actually forged through these differences. That’s right! The connection in the midst of the difference builds intimacy! The good news is that we have these opportunities every day and we will miss some and meet some. You get to decide how you show up for your spouse! If you are a bit like me, you will start looking for ways to connect through the differences and conflict instead of disconnecting. Stay humble and start with listening, extending the invitation for your spouse to be known and loved.
If you want help learning how to do this, please schedule an appointment.