Am I Being Religiously or Spiritually Abused?

Religious or spiritual abuse is a topic that is a tricky subject to discuss because the very nature of belonging to a religious community or subscribing to a certain belief structure can sometimes make it challenging to know if a legitimate premise of the overall structure is to be adhered to as a valuable and healthy tenet or if it is something that isn’t right and unhealthy. Since right and wrong are often the guidelines that Spiritual communities serve, it can get confusing as to whether those things that don’t sit with us don’t sit with us because we are committing some kind of human error or because we are actually picking up on something toxic from the human organization or any corrupt human beings in the organization that is contaminating something otherwise good.   

For instance, in the general Christian belief system, divorce is not something that is endorsed.  So, some women feel they must submit to their husband’s bad treatment of them so that they can do what is supposedly “right” in God’s sight.  The problem with this is that if the religious entity the couple belongs to does not challenge the husband’s poor behaviors and support the wife, they are actually going against God’s design of not enabling sin.  The abuse is that the woman God cares about is being abused by sin and being treated such that an “institution” is more important than the person, which is not at all the Biblical meaning.

Yet, left unchallenged, this can be confusing to people who think that if they just “suck it up” they will be doing what they need to do to be spiritually safe.

Questions You May Have:

-Am I Just Not A Good Enough Follower?  Am I Wrong or Are They?

-Am I Making Too Big a Deal Out of This?

-Am I The Only One Who Feels This Way?

-Would I Have Any Support If I Speak Up or Rock the Boat?  

-Could It Get Worse for Me In Some Way If I Speak Up?

Healthy Spirituality and Institutions Allow You to Disagree

God Himself gives each human being the free will to choose whether they believe in Him and want to submit their lives to His Lordship or not.  It is about relationship and not force or manipulation.  

If religious leaders are not giving you the ability to choose for yourself who you will serve and what you will believe, they are trying to take away a basic right that God Himself has given to you.  So, if that is something you are experiencing, run.

Here are other indicators you may want to look for to determine if you are being religiously or spiritually abused:

Questioning Is Not Allowed

• Forcing or Badgering Into An Action or Inaction Is Taking Place

• Leadership Is Not Open to Their Own Growth and Correction Needs

• Things You Say or Do Are Being Twisted

• Personal Accountability Is For Everyone Else but Not Leadership

• Leadership is Telling You the Way They See It Rather Than What God’s Word Says

Ways You Can Determine If You Are In A Spiritually Abusive Situation

• Pray and Look at What the Bible Says on the Topic

• Seek out and Speak to Someone Outside of the Organization Whom You Respect

• Keep Seeking Clarity Until You are Satisfied You Have The Information You Need To Make A Healthy Decision. 

• Tune Into Your Body.  Is your stomach constantly in knots around someone in spite of you trying to believe the best in them and give them the benefit of the doubt?  Do you wake with nightmares or feel ashamed and embarrassed for speaking up?  Take these as potential clues that something isn’t quite right.

Healthy people are willing to have a two way discussion where differences of opinion and questions can be tolerated.  If you need a safe place to unpack what you are experiencing and think it might be spiritual or religious abuse, please reach out to us here: 541-275-0412

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle

How is Faith-Based Counseling is Different from Regular Counseling?

When a Christian client goes up to a secular therapist’s door, there can be some apprehension.  Questions like, “Is this person going to be able to really understand and respect my beliefs” and “What if they make me do something I’m not spiritually comfortable with” might come up.  

One great thing about the counseling profession is that counselors are not ethically supposed to impose their personal viewpoints on clients.  So, while every therapist has their own beliefs, as long as they attend to the client’s values in the therapeutic relationship, the potential difference in belief systems should not be an issue.

However, there can be great benefits to seeking out a therapist who does share the same faith as you, too.

Here are some ways faith-based counseling for Christians is different from secular counseling:

-Christian therapists understand that prayer is a powerful tool in the healing process and, hopefully, seek to bring God’s Word and standards into the counseling relationship as much as the client desires.  Secular therapists are likely to practice from a more humanistic worldview and lack the foundation of Biblical wisdom and the understanding of how prayer works and can be incorporated into the healing process.

-Christian therapists can counsel clients towards their ultimate end goal for healing as it relates to a closer relationship with God because it is not just about the here and now perspective for the Christian client, unless they would like for it to be.  Secular therapists are primarily focused on the functioning of the client in the earthly space and may miss the spiritual component of a person entirely.

-Christian therapists can know that they can do nothing to heal clients in and of their own power but are gifted of God by His Holy Spirit to minister to the clients that He brings along their path.  In this way, the counseling process becomes one of seeking God’s will first rather than the human will’s desires as in secular counseling.

-Christian therapy can incorporate valuable spiritual resources such as referrals to Bible studies, churches, prayer groups, books by Christian authors and thought leaders, speaking the same language as some Christian clients.  How many non-believers can tell you what K-Love is or reference Paul’s struggle with a thorn in his side?

-Also, Christian therapists will understand the concepts of sin and salvation, whereas secular therapists have only human understanding to guide them in understanding the basis of right, wrong, and one’s bottom line.

Overall, a good therapist is a good therapist, and a poor therapist is a poor therapist, no matter if the therapist is a Christian or not.  However, for the Christian believer who is considering their therapy options, the best fit may very well be finding an excellent therapist who also has the heart of a Servant of Christ, empowered by the Holy Spirit to be able to use the great tools of the therapy world in conjunction with the faith for the ultimate goal of helping the client who is a believer to reach not only their earthly goals by earthly means but their spiritual goals by the best of both worlds.

We offer faith-based counseling to those who desire for it to be incorporated in their healing journey.  Let us know how we can help you to meet your therapeutic goals.

Blog written by Michelle Croyle

5 Easy Ways to Grow Your Spiritual Life

A client once said that she can’t seem to connect with God and hear from Him in her life.  While she really felt this and believed it to be true for her, it was clearly inaccurate.  The reason that it was easy to point this out as a fallacy to her was that she was sitting in a therapy session with a Christian therapist who cared about her, and she was actually making actionable progress toward her goals.  

The therapist response was something like, “You don’t think that God sees you, hears you, or is speaking to you?  Aren’t you here?  Haven’t you been looking for a therapist who can help you?  Haven’t you said you consider this a divine appointment? Aren’t you healing?”

The woman was amazed as she heard those words. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.  That’s true.  God did bring me here to you, and this is helping.”

So, if you want to grow closer to God and see Him more in your life, the first easy step is to:

Open Your Eyes- His mercy and blessings to you are all around you. Focusing your attention on His provisions, everyday kindnesses from others in your life, from a sincere, joyful greeting from a cashier to the gentle laughter of a child, to the food you eat and the clothing you wear lets you to notice the evidence that God is real and all around you in your everyday life.

Noticing then can lead you to:

Give Thanks- Giving thanks to God for who He is and all of the many things that He has provided and done for you allows your mind and your heart to attune to His good nature.  After all, the Bible says that every good and perfect gift comes from Him, James 1:17.  This ultimately lets us to see that God is our friend, and we want to spend time with our friends because they care for us and are enjoyable to be around.

Accepting that God is your friend can lead you to:

Accept that You Are Loved- This may seem like a basic church saying, but if you really believe and accept that God loves YOU, not a general you but a specific you, the one reading these words right now, it can change your walk with Him for the better.  Knowing that God is a personal God who loves you as a unique and valued creation of His is so powerful for growing closer to Him.  When you know this love is for you, you begin to realize that He has a specific plan for the ways He has created you, that you have a purpose in His kingdom, and that there are acts of service that He has already planned in advance for you to do.  This is world changing stuff, and when you know that God wants you to work with Him to bring more of Him to the world, you can’t help but grow closer in your walk with Him.  Imagine God or Jesus holding you or holding your hand, see Him in your minds eye as a friend who loves hearing your thoughts and being your friend.

Don’t Compare Yourself With Others or “Shoulds”- Knowing that you are a unique and wonderful creation of the living and present God, Creator of the Universe, then allows you to realize that you don’t have to compete with anyone else, compare your walk to the walk of anyone else, look like anyone else, talk like anyone else, or even engage in spiritual disciplines the same as anyone else.  Sure, it could be great if you get up at 5am each morning and spend an hour in prayer and Bible reading.  There can be benefits to doing this and reasons for doing this, but if you are then going to be grouchy, yell at your kids, kick the dog, and fall asleep at work, you may be better suited to do your Bible time later in the day.  If you can’t read without losing focus, try an audio version of the Bible via a phone app.  Go to church on Saturday night, pray during your time on the treadmill, or do something else that allows you to really connect with God’s presence rather than what you feel you “should” do based on what someone else does.

Lastly, to easily grow closer to God, realize that while He is God and His ways are higher than ours, He is also approachable in your everyday life.

Consider Worship the Whole of Your Life- Rather than compartmentalize certain tasks as holy or spiritual, realize that working as unto God in your day job is every bit a way of worshipping Him as singing to Him in church on Sunday.  Showing your spouse kindness and love is putting the Bible into action.  Even taking time to rest, is a reflection of something God first modeled for you.  Viewing and offering up you every day moments and activities as acts of worship to God can also allow you to see that He is there for you.

As the Bible says, “For in Him we live and move and have our being,” Acts 17:28.

Written by Guest Blogger Michelle Croyle

6 Tips for Finding More Peace and Less Anxiety

Have you ever felt like the world is spiraling out-of-control?  It’s like the news, the internet, and social media, and more have collaborated together to keep the bad news coming 24 hours a day, day after day.  In news lingo, they say, “If it bleeds, it ledes,” which basically means that the worst events should be broadcast or printed front and center on the first page or at the beginning of a news program.  With the media constantly producing content that bombards us with painful information and alarming trends, it’s no wonder that anxiety is sky-rocketing.

Here are some ways to better protect yourself from the effects of anxiety:

1. Turn off the news, and step away from social media- In fact, stepping away from all technology, such as phones and iPads, for a few hours or a day at a time can really help your nervous system to feel more peaceful and less on alert.

2. Cut out toxic people from your life-If the channels of bad news don’t keep the stressors at bay, consider removing yourself from relationships that also bring along stress, anxiety, and bad news.  If you find that you are drained from dodging rude, critical, demanding, judgmental, or doomsday news sayers, it is okay to limit your time with them, set boundaries around what can be discussed, or even make the decision to part ways.  Your mental and emotional health is more important than the destructive input from unsafe people.

3. Think about your thinking- Do you say negative things in your own self-talk inside your mind?  We all “talk to ourselves” internally.   Make sure to challenge any thoughts that are not true, good, or in alignment with the type of life you are striving to live.  Work to improve this internal chatter, and to make your self-talk healthy, flexible, and positive in nature.

4. Build a healthy routine for yourself- Dependability and predictability makes things feel safer. Work to schedule your sleeping and waking times at regular intervals, to carve out exercise, studying, working, chore, and relaxations routines for even more stability and peace.

5. Hang out with healthy, happy people-It has been said that we become like those we hang around, so make sure you build up your social network to include people who bring out the best in you, create optimism, and offer support.  You may just find you feel better just being you in their presence.

6. Take time each day to focus on the present moment- Mindfulness is basically a catchall term for things that keep our focus in the present moment so that the effects of life stressors can’t rattle us.  To do this, try breathing in and out and focusing only on the fact that you are breathing for about five or ten minutes at a time.  If chattering thoughts try to distract you, just let them know you will chat with them later and let them go as if they float away on imaginary clouds as you return to what you are intending to focus upon.  You can do this present moment awareness by focusing on how it feels to pet your dog or cat for five or ten minutes, what sounds you hear in nature as you take a walk for five or ten minutes, what you read in Scripture.  Practice making your own unique combination of present moment strategies for keeping yourself out of fear of the future and away from pains of the past.

Our counselors would love to help you with your stress and anxiety management goals so that you can experience more peace.  Contact us to get started at: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

Living from Internal Power vs External Pressure

Are you a people pleaser?  Do you feel like you have to cave or give in to what other people want you to do or worry about what other people will think? Is it easier for you to go along with the crowd than to make your own decision and pave your own way?  

It’s normal to be influenced by others but when we let others or circumstances take our power away, we aren't really living out of our own decisions.  This can lead to living a life someone else wants us to live rather than the life that we have been designed to live.

It’s like the teenager who wants to fit in and compromises by cheating, doing drugs, or having sex just because someone offered or asked.  This teen may have strong internal convictions against these things, but if the pressure is there from the external outside forces, whatever they perceive them to be, it is hard to stand on the internal decisions they thought they had made for themselves.

Who Is Controlling Your Decisions?

Sometimes, it can be so familiar a pattern in people’s lives that they don’t even realize they are going along with the crowd.  They just don’t know they are making a choice to give up their power by making a choice they don’t even know they are making, that being to give up their own internal governing of their own thoughts and actions because of outside influences.

To identify who you are listening to, take time to step away from the situations that currently present themselves and ask yourself the following questions before taking action, speaking, or deciding:

1. What do I really think about this situation, independent of all of the opinions and thoughts of others.  Keep others’ opinions outside of your brain space, and separate your thoughts from the thoughts of others.

2. How do I feel?  Am I in agreement?  Am I angry?  Am I confused?

3. What do I want and need?  

4. What action do I want to take in this area?

You Get to Choose.  Choose Wisely.

You get to choose how you want to lead your life.  You have the free will to decide whether your thoughts and actions will be wise or not, whether they will move the ball forward or set you back.

If it feels overwhelming to you to have this newfound freedom and responsibility, remember that you don’t have to do everything all at once.

Simply choose one area that you want to be intentional about and see it through until the outcome you have impacted.

You have more power than you might think to make your life and the lives of those around you healthy and happy. 

Benefits of An Internal Locus of Control

Internal Locus of Control means that you believe that your own actions have an impact.

You gain confidence.

You get to determine what you will and will not accept.

You get to work toward end goals that are what you would like them to be. 

You will be less likely to get caught up with people and in behaviors that are not good for you.

You can stress less because you won’t be working so hard to meet the expectations of others who aren’t even living your life.

If we can help you to grow in this area of your internal power, please reach out: (541)275-0412

Written by Michele Croyle, Guest blogger

Is Porn Harmful?

Porn is harmful, but an even better question is, “Why is it harmful?”  

Consider the following scenario that plays out in homes every day.  Husband stays up late scrolling on his phone while wife is asleep, notices something that gets his attention and clicks.  Before he knows it, he’s doing it the next night, then during lunch break the next day.  Finally, he is so caught up in this addictive behavior because of the feel good chemicals that it brings to his system.  He’s hooked.

Porn is Harmful Because It Takes Away Your Power To Stop It Easily

The brain then gets wired in such a way to want more and more of the “hit.”  Over time, the erotic Hollywood version of sex, including it’s unwholesome and degrading acts does two things: 

It builds an unrealistic and quite pretend experience in the individual.  The porn user is connecting with a mirage rather than a real, live, human person.  This leads to unrealistic expectations of the type of mutual enjoyment that a connection with another human, especially a spouse is supposed to have, and it hinders true connection with the intricacies of human relationships and the necessities of being truly known in truth, respect, care, selflessness, patience, kindness, self-control.  It basically just robs both the viewer and their spouse of what’s rightfully theirs and the true connection they can have together in real life.

Porn Leads to Unrealistic Expectations and Hinders True Intimacy

Also, because porn wires your brain in such a way that you need more and more of it to turn you on, it makes you seek out further arousal, upping the ante over time because of the hijacking of your brain chemicals and makes it easier for you to consume images you may have even found repulsive at an earlier time.  That’s no way to go into a real-life relationship.

Porn also objectifies the body, making images of it to be used rather than respected as creations of God.  This just will never go anywhere good.

Porn Erodes Trust

Lastly, porn erodes trust.  When a commitment is made to another human being, there are certain expectations of exclusivity, the idea that this special area of life and action is going to be viewed and shared alone in that union.  

When a partner of a porn watcher finds out, they may feel like they’ve been lied to, like they are not comparable, good enough, or preferred, and insecure as to what they mean to the other.  Porn takes away a spouse’s sense of trust and safety. 

It is often hidden and therefore, when found out or confessed, it leads one’s spouse to wonder what else may have been betrayed, lied about, or fake.

Porn Fuels Exploitation

Lastly, the porn industry is a money-making machine that is often has connections with sex trafficking and the use and abuse of the people involved.

There is nothing about porn that leads to positive results.  It leads to isolation, disrespect, and harmful behaviors because it is based in self satisfaction rather than caring about the needs of others.

If you could use some help working through porn addiction or in building more intimacy in your relationship, reach out to us: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

If I Believe In God, Why Do I Need Counseling?

It can be confusing to try to understand why a God who is all powerful and all knowing, and able to heal things instantaneously would not just wave His powerful hand and make everything all better.  While He can and does do this at times, there are often things that we need to learn and practices that will help to refine and help us for future purposes that He allows us to go through. Additionally, we are physical beings with brains, nervous systems, and emotions, psychological histories, relationships, and unique developmental experiences.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made and very complex.  If you wonder why you may need counseling even though you fully believe God could just heal you instantly, you may want to read on.

We Live In A Fallen World

Being human in a fallen world where other humans and an enemy of our soul exist can be challenging, and God made a way that we don’t ever have to go through things alone. If everybody lived spiritually according to the way God would have us to live there would be no problem, but because everybody has a free will, we are affected by others and need both God and others in our lives. 

 When God said in Genesis that it's not good for man to be alone,  I don't believe that was just for Adam to get his Eve but that humans helping and walking alongside other humans in life is part of God’s ideal design.  After all, the Bible shares the importantance for us that as iron sharpens iron we help each other to grow into the best versions of ourselves.  As we help each other out, we grow and what one person is not able to see clearly on or do on their own, may find that a helper has been provided by God for such a purpose.  

Maybe, Having A Counselor Is The Way God Is Presently Healing You

There are a number of Scriptures that reference getting counsel.  The Bible refers more than once to the wisdom and benefit of good counsel.  Jesus was called the mighty counselor as one of the first things said about him when he was born.  

It’s Not a Lack of Faith

Not getting counseling because you think you should prove to Jesus that you believe enough to be instantly healed is like not sleeping because you need to get more done for Jesus, not getting a cast when your arm is broken, or not practicing riding a bike when you want to learn how because you imagine and assume that God will just fly you to your bicycle and push you, and off you’ll go, perfectly balanced and riding fast.

Could it be that God is teaching us more than how he can be a magical genie granting our wishes?  Could it be that He is allowing us to be refined, to learn relationship skills like how to be vulnerable and real with others, or because God is training us for future purposes for His glory later by teaching us through the process of enduring and healing?  

It may also be that we need counseling, even when we are saved, because our hurt and pain and symptoms are routed in human relationship wounds and need to be healed in relationship, too. Plus, the fact that you really hope you have enough faith to ask this question is proof that it’s probably not a lack of faith issue but rather a physical or relational issue or skills deficit rather than a spiritual lacking in you.  Of course, there are spiritual components to things, but for the Christian, that battle has already been won. It may just be the human battles that need some human interactions and sanctification to heal and grow even stronger.  

We’d be honored to walk alongside you in your faith and your healing journey, connect with us here if you’d like our help. Call 541-275-0412 to set up an appointment.

Article written by Michelle Croyle

What God Tells Us About Love

A quick disclaimer for those of you who may be new to this blog, I write from a Christian perspective and this week we will be discussing the Bible more than we typically do.  I won’t be quoting scripture, but we will look at Genesis 1 & 2 and what God tells us about love.  So let’s jump right in!

We are told in Genesis that God created humans and he made us in his image.  Because of that we have inherent godliness within us.  We are human though and don’t always recognize this godliness.  How we feel about ourselves will reflect how we love ourselves and others.  In other words, we have to start with an understanding of how much God loves each and every one of us.  When God created Adam he recognized that he needed a partner and should not have to be alone.  The love that resulted from that partnership was pure and godly until sin was introduced.  This sin is part of the reason couples struggle so much today.  Being in relationships with others is never easy because none of us are perfect.  It is a great reminder that because none of us are perfect we need to continue working on how we show up with those around us. 

One joy of watching couples come together in marriage, or enter long-term relationships, is seeing them become their own unit.  Until this occurs, our nuclear (immediate) family is our parents and siblings.  Once you enter into marriage your partner, and later children if you choose to have them, become your immediate family.  It is important to “leave and cleave” from your family of origin when you.  This does not mean you have to cut them off and walk away, but differentiating from them and growing closer and relying more on your partner is important.  Imagine a target.  The bullseye, or most inner circle, is your nuclear family (partner and children).  The next ring becomes your parents and siblings.  If you are a dart player you know that the next outside ring still holds good point value.  Moving away from your parents and towards your partner is a natural and healthy part of life.  

Something else we learn about biblical love is that we can’t do it on our own.  He teaches us what unconditional love is.  When we enter into relationships we are often surprised when we learn that people have different ways of showing their love and interacting.  If we don’t come together and find ways to communicate with our partner, or within any relationship, there is bound to be conflict.  We may also learn that what we learned as children from our family of origin may not have been the healthiest or most effective way of communicating.  This is where individual therapy can be helpful because it can provide a space to work through the disappointment and frustration that can come with change.  

The most important thing that biblical love teaches us though is to live through respect, kindness and compassion.  This means acting this way towards ourselves first and then extending that to others.  Being kind to yourself first has been mentioned in almost every post because it is truly that important.  If you find yourself struggling to be kind to others, or sense yourself living in a perfectionism mindset, take a minute to step back and address what you think about yourself.  Once this is done you can start living in a way that God is able to shine through.  

What Is Your Inner-Critic Telling You About Yourself?

We all have an internal critic, but we also know that some internal critics are stronger than others.  The Enneagram typing system explores nine basic types of personalities.  If you don’t know much about this system I encourage you to take a quick Enneagram quiz and explore the different types for yourself.   Out of the nine personality types they explore, three of them have a tendency towards strong internal critics.  Personality type 1 has the strongest need to perfect or reform things to look “more perfect.”  Types 3 and 8 also have a tendency but are not as strong.  Looking back at last week’s discussion about perfectionism, we explored how it is a learned pattern that we are taught by our parents, sometimes unintentionally.  There is the age old discussion of nature vs. nurture in regard to personality, it is also argued that both are influencing factors, not one over the other.  So while perfectionism is often a learned trait, it can also be inherent.  

One way to look at perfectionism and our inner-critic is that we are always striving to reach 1,000 when 100 is the highest we can reach.  I know that sounds harsh, but we only have so much we can give or do as humans.  Our inner-critic is constantly telling us that we should reach that 1,000 which in turn creates a shame cycle.  We tell ourselves that we can and should be doing more and doing better.  Several weeks ago we looked at SMART goals which simply means setting realistic and achievable goals.  There is more to it than that so go take a look at the SMART goals post if you have the chance, it lays out steps and examples for setting achievable goals!  We can still have big goals, but we need to create baby steps to reach them.  Maybe to start out we try to reach 30 instead of 100, and then once that is achieved the goal can be changed.  What we are striving for, and what will help quiet our inner-critic, is acknowledging that progress is what we want, not perfection.  

The opposite of self-criticism is accepting reality and giving ourselves kindness.  A professor once said, “we are human beings, not human doings.”  This may sound funny, but it is so true!  A perfectionist mentality tells us that “I am not doing enough or doing it right.”  The idea that we are human beings gives us permission to be kind to ourselves as well as accept that progress is what we are striving for.  This takes on an Eastern mentality which can feel uncomfortable for us in a Western society because we have been raised with the mentality that we must always be producing and excelling.  The Eastern mentality is one of peace and just being, not doing.  

In contrast to doing, perfectionistic personalities also tend to be procrastinators.  While this is contradictory it also makes sense, and here is why.  It is so hard to get started when we want things to be perfect because it can be stressful and at times scary and we may not know where to start.  Here is one way to change your view of procrastination, you are actually choosing to do what you really want to do, not procrastinating.  We often feel the need to do what we think is good, right, and perfect, but it is not always what we are passionate about.  There are of course things that we do at times have to do, that is part of being adults, but we have to let go of those other expectations and allow ourselves to do things we want as well. 

Self-criticism stops us from growing and may prevent us from participating in the things that we love and from being loved.  Our inner-critics tell us that others are not lovable and that we are not lovable either if we are not perfect.  When we, or others, don’t achieve 1,000 we tell ourselves we are failures so sometimes we don’t even try.  In truth though, failure is when we give up and stop trying.  When we are critical of ourselves and others we are not showing love.  Sometimes we think that when we are critical we are acting with love because we want to help ourselves and those around us to be the best version of ourselves.  But in reality, we are telling them that they are not lovable until they reach perfection.  

Now, here are some tools to help combat our inner-critics.  The tools that we will be exploring come from a CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) lense.  The first tool is one that we use often with clients and that is to first notice a critical thought.  This sounds simple, but when we let our inner-critic take control we may not even notice we are being critical of ourselves or others.  Once we notice the thought we have the power to change our thought path.  It is helpful to change the path to the opposite of the thought or even something unreatled.  For example, when your partner is chewing too loud, instead of criticizing them we can instead say “I love you.”  Of course, if there are needs that are not being met these must be communicated, but in this situation it is more beneficial to acknowledge your love for them.  Kristin Neff, a leader on self-compassion, asks us to ask ourselves what would you say to your best friend if they were in the exact same situation? We are often so much kinder to others than ourselves!  You must remember, you are NOT an exception, you deserve compassion as well. 

Another tool is to use a CBT thought diary.  If you are an Iphone user, there is a free app that you can download or you can google thought diary and there are several templates to explore.  The idea of a thought diary is to help you walk through your negative thoughts.  First, write down what the thought was, no editing!  Next ask yourself what is another option?  Reframe your thoughts (the app has specific tools to help with this), this can help foster self-compassion and radical acceptance.  

One final thought, we are so used to getting affirmation from other people.  Due to COVID related restrictions, we are often not getting the same level of support and affirmation from outside sources.  To help with this, we need to get back to getting affirmation from ourselves!  One simple thing we can do is to leave yourself a sticky note.  Maybe you write your favorite quote, song lyric, bible verse, or just write “you rock” on it.  By doing this you are creating a visual affirmation that you are lovable and doing your best “being.”

Do you thrive in conflict?

Conflict is not an option in relationships. One of the best ways to not only survive but thrive in conflict is to grow in resiliency. 

What does it mean to be resilient? 

Resilience is defined by Miriam-Webster dictionary as: a. capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture. Or b. tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

Here are three simple steps to grow in resiliency.

1. Stay curious of your own emotions, thoughts and behavior. Being curious about your experience is the first step to self-awareness. 

2. Try to understand and stay curious as to how your emotions, thoughts and behaviors affect your relationships and perceptions. This opens you up to being able to not only understand yourself, but to start being curious about other’s experience as well.

3. Develop habits of assertiveness and receptiveness to experiencing discomfort personally and with other people. This will deepen your understanding in conflict and your ability to address conflict in real time instead of avoiding it, prolonging the pain and discomfort.

So if you want to build trust, resolve conflict and deepen intimacy with your partner, please give these a try. You will probably experience the by-products of more resolution and a better sense of well-being.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.