When Respecting Yourself Means Ending A Relationship
Over the last several weeks we have explored what betrayal is, different kinds of betrayal, and how to move forward in your relationship after betrayal. This week we will explore what happens when betrayal makes it impossible for reconciliation. There are times in a relationship when one partner says “I can’t take this anymore.” This can be due to several reasons such as the betrayer may continue to relapse or the betrayed feels the pain so deeply that they cannot move past it. When someone reaches this point there is no hope left inside of them which can happen after trying for long periods of time to reconcile with their partner. The circumstance is generally that the pain is too great to move forward. The result of the circumstance is to respect your own experience as the person who has been betrayed. By respecting your experience you are saying “I am not willing to move forward with you on this, I still have my own work to do but I need to do it without you.”
When a relationship ends it is normal to feel disappointed and need to grieve. You may need to grieve the initial betrayal, the ending of the relationship and what you knew as your ‘normal.’ This may be even more necessary if you have held hope for so long that all the work you were doing on your relationship would work. Once you have grieved, or at least entered a space where you feel comfortable exploring what to do next, you may start asking yourself how you can fill the hole inside of yourself; how you can fulfill yourself. This is where individual therapy can be helpful so you can develop the skills to fulfill yourself. If you decide to enter a new relationship in the future you don’t look to them to fill the brokenness. We don’t want to carry over the things that lead to previous dysfunction. We can’t continue the same behavior and expect different results.
Sometimes separating for a time can be beneficial. During a separation you can take the time to rediscover yourself and what your hopes and dreams are. You can then come back to your partner and explore whether you both still have the same dreams and desires. During a separation it can be helpful to act as if you are starting your relationship over. This can look like dating your partner and trying to relearn who you both are. This may also look like dating others outside of your relationship. Sometimes though divorce is necessary.
As you may know this blog comes from a Christian perspective and many of you reading this may be Christian as well. God says he hates divorce, but he does not hate people. He wants his children to be whole and healthy. I am not here to advocate for divorce, but as a therapist we want our clients to be whole and healthy as well. This can’t be done while they are in a toxic relationship though. Getting plugged into a faith community can be extremely important in the journey of renewing the image of God within yourself which will allow you to find your value and worth in yourself and God instead of from other people. A faith community can also be an added support system which can be crucial during the time of finding who you are after ending a relationship.
