Working Through Resentment Towards Forgiveness
In the previous post we explored how grace is integral within the healing process. This week we will explore how we have to work through our resentments to get to a point of forgiveness. They are both foundational pieces of healing. To start this process we have to recognize what it is that we are holding on to. Like we talked about previously, we may have to forgive more than once. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a one and done deal, there is no forgiving and forgetting. We must choose to not hold our resentments against our partners. If we focus too much on the details of what happened it makes it difficult to forgive and live in the present moment. We won’t be able to see how they are changing and how they are showing up. “If I forgive them it negates the pain I am feeling.” No! It is actually an active choice to not let fear hold you in this place of resentment and bitterness.
We prefer things that are familiar and after we experience a betrayal resentment and pain are extremely familiar. Grace and forgiveness is not something familiar, in reality it is scary. Before we can forgive we may have to grieve what occurred. We often go through the 5 stages of grief; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, depression and despair, and adjustment and acceptance. This is not as simple as moving from stage to stage, you may go through each stage multiple times and in no particular order. Once you have completed this process though you can begin to let go. This can feel like freedom. You are you unburdening yourself as you release the feelings and the weight that comes with them. Your partner can’t heal you or heal the relationship alone, you have a role in the healing process as well and must do your own work.
It is important to also bring God back into your relationship. Pray together and look for ways to reconcile the relationship. The emotional cycle never closes. Both parties are forever changed and scarred by a betrayal. The book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst is a great exploration of this process. Forgiveness is our way of not letting the past control us. Be honest with yourself and your partner when you are having feelings of resentment. It can be helpful to say “I just want to let you know that I am feeling this way; we are okay, I just might need to take some time to myself today to think about how I am feeling.”
The previous statement is one way to keep daily dialogue open between both partners. We have discussed daily dialogue many times, but it is because it is that important. It is a way to stay connected even when you don’t feel capable of having deep conversations. Plan something fun to do together. Go on a date! Don’t talk about the heavy stuff for a little bit. You don’t even have to talk or if you do it is okay to be “shallow” with your conversation. By doing this you and your partner can start to rebuild your sense of intimacy and get comfortable just being together again.
