Recovery From Betrayal Through Grace
When someone has experienced a betrayal they can often feel at a loss about what to do next. This is only natural, as their world and what they thought they knew about it is completely changed. To begin the reconciliation process there must be grace for failure. Let’s first define what grace is. Grace is giving the benefit of the doubt, being courteous, having good will, and seeing your partner or yourself where they are in the present moment. This is loving like God. We often need to extend grace to ourselves before we can give it to others. How can we do this?
The first thing that allows grace to be possible is investment in seeing the relationship move forward. This means acting with intention such as seeking out therapy; either individual, couples or even both. Emotions have memory, the person who experienced the betrayal may have just as much work to do as the betrayer. This next one can be hard but it is also important. We must be thankful for our partners. Thankful that they are also working on the relationship and thankful that you are both still here. As I said, this can be hard but it is a choice that can be made everyday. Vulnerability with boundaries also promotes grace. Every act of vulnerability takes risk and by setting boundaries it equips us to do this by creating a safe and trusting space to explore our experiences. Boundaries are often defined as each partner saying what is okay and what is not okay, both partners get to decide and this may involve some compromise. Communication is key to this process. If we are unable to talk to our partners about what our needs are they will never know. They aren’t mind readers unfortunately! Shame undermines our ability to hear our partner’s experiences. It often feels that if we acknowledge how they are feeling we are admitting that we are a bad person. We must show grace to ourselves as well as our partners to keep open lines of communication.
Part of extending grace to ourselves is acknowledging that just because we have forgiven our partner it does not mean that all the hurt you felt will be gone. I often hear clients ask “I forgave them so why does it still hurt?” That is a fair question, but remember what I said before, emotions have memory. Forgiveness and hurt don’t seem like they can be experienced at the same time, but in the healing process they often go hand in hand. We may have to actively choose to forgive our partner day after day and be intentional about working towards moving forward. When we are the ones who have been betrayed we often feel like we are innocent. It is important to remember that we all have responsibilities within our relationships and the healing process. We must ask ourselves how are we helping the process?
