Taking Responsibility in the Face of Betrayal
Over the previous few weeks we have explored the different facets of betrayal and what the road to recovery may look like. This week we will explore how taking responsibility for your part in what happened and the healing process can help you and your partner move forward. We must look at the areas of hurt within ourselves that need to be worked on and what we want moving forward. In many cases the betrayer wants to just move forward, but the person who has experienced the betrayal wants to first gain understanding and is unable to move forward right away. When they first find out what has occurred they are flooded with so many different feelings. It is important to slow down and gain awareness about what is going on for them. We often have a difficult time accepting our experiences or emotions because we get wrapped up in pain or judgement so instead we shut down, enter denial, and get angry. Whatever it may be that we experience it stops us from giving ourselves and others compassion.
We also have previously discussed how it is helpful to find someone outside of your relationship to talk to as they can be more objective and a good sounding board. This can be a friend, a therapist or someone else along those lines. When we don’t have someone to talk to or a way to express ourselves, when we talk to our partners, all of our feelings come out at them and can look like we are attacking them. This may look like being passive aggressive or even outright contempt for them. Before you voice your feelings and thoughts to your partner it is important to first gain self-awareness and a sense of compassion. When we do this we are better able to send out invitations instead of attack and our partners won’t feel the need to defend themselves. The betrayer must also give themselves compassion and find their voice. In general, people don’t set out to harm their relationship. By taking responsibility for their actions and by being able to voice what has been going on for them, they can be taking a step forward in the healing process.
One great way to express your feelings to your partner without it coming across as an attack is to use “I” statements. There are many different frameworks that have been laid out for these statements such as “I felt _____ when _____ occurred.” Something we have found helpful within the therapy room is to just say “I’m hurting.” This can be just as powerful as we don’t always need an explanation for why we are feeling this way. Short and to the point can be less overwhelming and focus more on ourselves and less on our partners. They generally know what they did (especially when it comes to betrayal) and don’t need to be reminded constantly.
Setting boundaries is also a way to take personal responsibility when it comes to having discussions with your partner, especially when it is one that may emotionally flood you. It is okay to be honest and tell your partner “I can’t talk about this anymore right now, but I would like to come back to it later.” By acknowledging that you may no longer be able to have an effective conversation you are stopping it before it becomes destructive and both individuals get defensive. You are also saying that you want to come back and continue discussing, but right now is not the best time to. It is still important to make time for one another.
Journaling is a way that can help you keep those boundaries due to the fact that you can get your frustration out in a way that is not attacking your partner. For those who don’t like to sit down and write and may be more of a verbal processor, use the voice memo on your phone! The notepad app is another great tool since you can dictate to it and it types it out for you. Journaling and/or voice memoing allows you the space to work out how you are really feeling and why you may be feeling that way. Once you are able to attend to your own emotions it becomes easier to hear about your partner’s emotions.
I very briefly mentioned last week the importance of daily dialogue. Daily check-ins keep the line of communication open between partners even when they are still in the middle of a conflict. It can be as simple as a surface level conversation about what happened throughout the day, but by asking your partner and listening to their responses you can show care for them. A great framework if you aren’t quite sure how to start these conversations is to ask about one of their highs, lows, and something they are grateful for that day. This framework seems simple, but it can be hard to have these conversations, especially after a betrayal. It won’t be easy at first but keep doing it! Slowly but surely you will both be planting emotional deposits into your “love bank account.” As time goes on, it will hopefully create a bit of hope for you that even though you are feeling pain right now, you have something to look forward to.
