Why Can’t My Spouse Just Get Over My Affair Already?

Whether sexual in nature or strictly emotional, affairs take place when needs that are to be met inside one’s marriage are sought to be met outside of it.  

It might start as a fairly innocent encounter with someone who appears to be able to provide what pre-straying spouse may feel they lack, be it understanding, respect, excitement, power, desirability, escape, admiration, or whatever the trait may be.  

One thing leads to another, and the lines begin to blur.  Justification starts to take place, excuses, and maybe even guilt.  However, once things are in motion, it is often difficult to find the strength to do the right thing(s)… come clean, make a break, ask for forgiveness, seek reconciliation.  

So, when a straying spouse makes the difficult choices to take responsibility, come clean, and decide to rebuild from the damage, it may be frustrating to be met with hoop after hoop to jump through to prove to their spouse that they have changed and are able to be trusted now.

Research seems to indicate that 60-80% of couples who have experienced an affair are able to recover and stay married.  

While difficult, it is possible to come through an affair stronger than ever.

However, the process may seem to be dragging along too long and feel as if it is just a guilt and bashing session to the offending spouse with little assurance that things will be resolved any time soon.  Why is this?

Some of the reasons for this include:

• While the offender has had time and knowledge of the affair and the events and specifics of it, the faithful spouse likely has been blindsided to some degree with the news well after the fact, and has not been included in the details.

• The unknown details can leave the faithful spouse feeling uncertain as to whether there is more information being currently withheld.

• The unknown details can also leave the faithful spouse feeling like they can’t gauge how safe they are, as they don’t know what they don’t know.

• To feel that the perceived threat to the safety of their marriage is over, the faithful spouse may feel the need to ask questions, verify the answers over and over again to make sure they are true, and basically see if they can muster up the courage to build trust again with someone who previously committed to be faithful. He or she may wonder, “If he/she could do it once, what stops him/her from doing it again?”  “How can I know that I can really trust him/her this time?”

• The initial shock and information is just the beginning of the process for the offended spouse to learn the new terrain they are now navigating.  As time goes on and processing of events happens, your spouse may want to clarify, understand any information that seems to be contradictory, or share further to make sure you truly understand how your behavior has hurt and impacted him/her.

While each couple’s situation is different, the offending spouse will do best to leave the timeframe of the affair recovery process up to the offended party and can expect to the following to make their partner feel safe and able to trust again eventually:

• Express a compassionate willingness to answer any and all questions from your spouse to their level of satisfaction or need.

• Answer each question about affair specifics that your spouse asks without defensiveness or evasion.  This helps your spouse to feel let in on the “secrets” you shared with someone else, so that he/she can feel connected to the once hidden parts of you.

• Explain how things are different now, why you are choosing your spouse over the affair, and what you are doing to demonstrate integrity now.  Actions such as stating where you are going, when you will be home, who you will be visiting, allowing your spouse unrestricted access to your phone or computer, and submitting to becoming an “open book” can help.

• Offer regularly scheduled check-in times each week where the two of you can discuss the topic of the affair and further work on healing through communicating any information that is still needed.  In this way, you and your spouse might be able to get back to a sense of “regular” life while not brushing the affair under the rug but simply “containing” it to an appropriate degree and time and place.

• Become a person of integrity.  Let your words and your actions line up in truth.

• Seek out individual and couples’ therapy so that your needs, thoughts, and feelings, as well as your spouses can be heard in a constructive way, but expect to attend to your spouse’s needs, thoughts, and feelings primarily in the beginning days and weeks.

• Sincerely apologize for and turn away from such behavior and continue to do so as the need arises.

If you could use help for your individual needs or for couples’ work as you seek to work on affair recovery, please reach out to us for counseling by contacting us at: 541-275-0412