Active Listening Guidelines: 4 Questions to Help You Understand Your Partner Better

As soon as Beth and Tony got in the therapist’s door, they started to share their perspective with the therapist of what the other should be doing differently than what they were.  After several sessions of this, the therapist reflected that while each of them is talking about each other and the situation to the therapist, neither of them is talking with their partner. As any therapist who has worked with couples for longer than a few minutes can attest, individuals often come into counseling because they feel unheard, disrespected, or unimportant to their partner.  However, it isn’t always that the couples disagree with each other’s perspectives but rather that they are not actually attending to what is being said and what is needed by the other.  

Active listening can help couples to get off of the hamster wheel of going around and around without making any traction toward true relational and communication intimacy.  

If you want to enhance your communication skills with your partner, the following are the do’s and don’ts of active listening.

Dos and Don’ts of Active Listening

Do listen with an open mind.

Do put away distractions and focus on the person who is speaking.

Don’t make assumptions or preconceived beliefs about what they are saying.

Do summarize, rephrase, and clarify what is being said to be sure that you understand what they are saying.

Don’t criticize, shame, or blame the other person for sharing their thoughts and feelings.

Do empathize with the feelings of the other, and work toward an understanding/solution that works for both of you going forward.

After you’ve practiced these skills a bit, here are a few questions that may help you and your partner to get closer.  Remember to keep practicing the above for the best results!

4 Questions to Understand Your Partner Better

1. When you: (examples: cross your arms, close off, shut down, speak faster), what are you (examples: feeling/thinking/needing/wanting)?  

2. What do you wish I would understand about you (right now, in times like these, when this type of situation happens) that I don’t seem to get or keep missing?  

3. Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved, appreciated, or cared about?

4. What are the thing(s) I do that make you feel the most loved?  What would you like me to stop doing so that you will feel more loved?

   Effective communication includes active listening, and both can be had by intentional practice.  Even if it feels artificial at first or uncomfortable, being able to grow in your use of these tools can lead to greater relationship connection and satisfaction.  Time, practice, and intentional actions add up over time, and the result is healthier interactions, greater satisfaction, and deeper fulfillment for both you and your partner.

   If you find it too difficult to sort through the difficult communication patterns that you and your partner repeat over and over and can’t seem to get to a breakthrough together, reach out to us.  One of our counselors would love to help you gain the skills you need to reach your relationship goals.

Will God be Mad at Me if I Go to Counseling?

Sally had been raised to believe that she could only trust her parents and church and that reaching out to outsiders could lead her into sin.  It was as if God was waiting for one misstep from her to disqualify her from the faith.  However, the Bible says that love keeps no records of wrongs and that God is love.  So, when Sally wanted to reach out for professional mental health care, she was nervous.  Unfortunately, there is a toxic belief out there in some Christian circles that implies that getting psychological help is not okay with God.  While a human counselor will never be the Ultimate Counselor as Jesus is, and trusting in anything more than trusting in God can be sin, God isn’t likely getting mad if you choose to go to counseling.  In fact, He likely rejoices when you find a professional who is ethical and skilled and can do their job well and show up to serve and help you.  So, if you’ve encountered well-meaning but misinformed people who advise against Christian believers getting counseling, you may want to consider how that advice is actually contrary to God’s character.

5 Reasons Counseling Is Okay With God

God made the brain, the body, and the emotions- He knows how they work and function, and He knows how they heal.  He know the spiritual and the mental, the relational and the internal, the thoughts and the feelings, and Genesis tells us His creation is good.  So, if the study of the mind, ie. Psychology, is the study of how our human brain, nervous system, and experience works, doesn’t it make sense that it works because God designed it and metaphorically wrote the users manual?

This leads to another fundamental reason that I don’t believe God is mad at you for seeking therapeutic help…

All truth is God’s truth- If something is true, we are to think on such things, and every good and perfect gift comes from God above, and God came for us to have life and have it abundantly.  If God designed us, and He gave us the Bible to instruct us on how to live this life best, then, we can trust His words as truth.  If science or psychology has hit upon anything that works, it only works because it is based in the laws of the universe, how humans are designed by Him, and how our systems heal.

So, if something truly works, truly heals, and is true, it is in the fabric of the universe, and created by God Himself, even the study of the brain.

We are made in God’s image, and Jesus is the Mighty Counselor- So, it stands to reason that some human beings would carry the counseling traits of God’s Holy Spirit.  For this reason, it seems reasonable to conclude that at least there are some counselors who have been gifted by God himself to comfort and come alongside others.

God’s Word says that “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” – God made us for community.  We are each members of one body, and each person has gifts to serve and minister to others as equipped from the Lord.  The Bible also tells us that two are better than one, as when one falls, the other can help him up.  

Finally, God’s Word says that there is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” – So, if you need counseling help, God already knows your need.  He is already with you right where you are, and He is not mad at you for getting support and healing.  He likely already has someone perfectly positioned to help you get your mental health care needs met.

Let us be that help from God to you, contact us at: 541-275-0412

The Importance of Reflection

Would you like to be more productive and have more peace?  Then, the art of reflection just might be something that you would benefit from trying.  If you aren’t already in the habit of reflecting, it may take some practice to get into a routine and find a place to fit it into your schedule.  However, the benefits may more than save you the time that it you put in to doing it and may even save you time as you contemplate future actions that may produce more efficiency.

Reflection is the skill presidents have used when they’ve documented their days in office in their journals, what Biblical writers have done in penning Scriptures, what moms do when they make a photo album of their child’s special moments or a vacation, and what people do whenever big life events happen and hit the “pause” button on the busyness of everyday work and to-do list items.  Yet, it’s a powerful tool that you can use whenever you decide to.

Reflection allows space between events, people, and thoughts to gain a broader perspective.

Reflection helps us to take a step back and explore our thoughts and feelings on a deeper level, to decide how we feel about things, to consider how we impacted others or the situations in our lives, and to decide how we would like to change, improve, or proceed in the future.  It is a way to gain perspective and insight.

It is a tool that allows us to consider our impact on things and others as well as how we’ve been impacted by them.  It lets us take stock, assess, and regroup so that we can go forward in healthy ways rather than traveling down an unknown path in an unexamined hurry.

3 Steps to Practice Powerful Reflection

1) Choose Your Time and Your Tools: What time of day will work for you, what day of the week, for how long?  Paper Journal, an audio diary recording, a phone app, processing with a spouse or colleague, etc…

2) Choose Your Focus: A Relationship, A Circumstance, An Event, A Pain Point, A Perspective You Aren’t Sure If You Agree with or Not.

3) Ask Effective Questions:

For example: 

What am I pleased with?

What am I not pleased with?

What went well and, why?

What do I want to see happen, and how?

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle

3 Signs You Are Being Emotionally Abused?

It’s probably a pretty good bet that there isn’t anyone who wants to be emotionally abused, right? Yet, it sometimes happens so subtly and abusers are so skilled at manipulating others close to them that you might not even realize it is happening to you at all or maybe not for a long time.

Consider the experience of a woman who grew up in a home where her parents ran the show.  She thought they were good parents because they told her they were.  After all, what would she have to compare them to?  They were the only parents she had.

Yet, when she expressed her feelings or needs, she was told, “Shut up, you don’t feel that way.”  Or, “Don’t be such a baby.”  Worse yet, “How dare you say that I’m hurting your feelings, after all I’ve done for you.  You are just a troublemaker.”  

If any of these statements sound familiar, here is why they are emotional abuse:

• Someone Calls You Names, Attacks Your Feelings, or Puts You Down

In the heat of the moment, even those in the best of relationships can find one or the other person saying something accidentally that they do not mean, but if this behavior is a constant form of communication or even a relatively predictable occurrence, it is emotional abuse.

Emotional Abuse is Anything That Misuses Your Thoughts, Feelings, or Actions Against You In A Silencing or Demeaning Way.

• Someone Else Controls Your Decisions, Appearance, Choices, Actions

Of course, there are times where caregivers are in the position to guide these areas for a person out of benefit for a person who is not able to do such things for themselves adequately, but that is different from a relationship where the benefit is not for the person experiencing the control of someone else’s direction.

In healthy relationships, whether they be romantic relationships, family relationships, or friend, work, school, or any other kind of relationship, the rights of each person is respected.  Each person is permitted space to think, act, and choose their own manner of existing in the world as long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.  This is mutual respect, and being treated with it should be a “given” and not an exception.

If you find yourself often feeling silenced, judged, criticized, or your own words and thoughts used against you in a particular relationship, it is likely you are being emotionally abused.

2. Your partner controls your appearance

Oftentimes, emotional abuse takes place when a woman’s partner wants to control how she looks. Examples include forcing or coercing a partner to lose weight, remove body hair, or dress a certain way. In this situation, the woman is led to feel that she is undesirable unless she changes her appearance to suit the male partner’s preference.

3. Your partner shares sensitive information about you

Another sign of emotional abuse is a partner who shares sensitive information about you with others. For example, a woman might be sensitive about the fact that she is overweight and plans to start seeing a nutritionist. The woman asks her partner not to tell anyone about it. If her partner shares the information anyway, emotional abuse is in effect. In this case, the abusive partner may diminish her confidence and increase feelings of vulnerability.

4. Your partner shuts conversations down

This is a classic sign of emotional abuse. Abusers are not interested in mutual understanding. They simply want to coerce and control their partners into submission. One way this takes place is when the abuser prevents his partner from speaking. They may cut you off mid-sentence, walk away from the conversation, or talk over you until you give up and the abuser feels they have “won” the argument. This is a form of emotional abuse that makes the victim feel that her voice has no value.

5. Your partner gaslights you

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that abusive partners will often use. Gaslighting refers to when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality or making them doubt what they experienced. Examples of gaslighting include telling a victim "that never happened," or "that's not what I said," which can cause the victim to question their memory and rely more on the reality that their abuser creates. Another common form of gaslighting is being told "you're crazy" or "you're too sensitive" to invalidate your feelings and discredit you. 

6. Your partner crosses boundaries

Creating boundaries is a way for couples to maintain strong relations while simultaneously having a sense of self and independence. For example, you and your partner might have a joint account while also maintaining independent accounts. If a man charges a purchase to his partner’s account without her permission, he’s crossed a boundary. If boundary-breaking happens repeatedly, this jeopardizes the victim's sense of safety and independence.

7. Your partner monitors your activities or conversations

If your partner constantly checks your text messages, call history, emails, or browser history, this controlling behavior is a form of emotional abuse. It forces you into a constant fear of being watched or scrutinized, and makes it difficult to reach out to others when you need help. 

8. Your partner isolates you from family and friends

Emotionally abusive partners may try to isolate the victim from their friends and family members. The abuser does not want the victim to have a social network because others may question his controlling actions and attitudes. In some cases, an emotionally abusive spouse or partner will forbid a woman to maintain a friendship after the friend calls out his inappropriate behavior. Isolating their victim from others is also a way for an abuser to secure their victim's state of dependence on them, making it harder to leave.

9. You have to ask your partner for permission to leave the house

This is a clear sign of emotional abuse. With this type of controlling behavior, the abuser wants to ensure that he always knows where the other person is. Additionally, this type of behavior is a psychological trick that makes the victim experience self-doubt about her ability to be independent, complete important tasks, set and accomplish goals, etc.

10. Your partner asks you to compromise your morals

Like most people, you probably have a sense of right and wrong that helps you maintain a sense of ethical selfhood. Yet in many cases, an emotionally abusive partner will compromise this healthy way of living by asking you to do or say things that violate your moral code. One common example is a man pressuring a woman for sex despite the fact that she has already stated she is not ready for this level of physical intimacy. Another example would be asking a partner another to lie on their behalf. Here, the victim’s sense of self is damaged if they feel they’ve deviated from the values that make them a good person.

11. Your partner demeans your dreams

Emotionally abusive individuals are typically frightened at the idea of a partner realizing their dreams. This is because the abuser wants the victim to depend on him for a sense of self-worth and fulfillment. For this reason, it is common for abusers to make fun of the victim’s dream. The goal of this behavior is to discourage the victim from acting independently, developing self-confidence, or gaining the resources necessary to leave if the abuse becomes unbearable. An example of demeaning the victim’s dream would be learning that the partner wants to go to college and stating “That’s stupid. You don’t need a degree to take care of the kids and clean the house.”

Learn the signs so you can speak up against abuse.

Emotional abuse is one way that unhealthy relationships manifest. Emotional abuse is broadly defined as when the actions and attitudes of one person cause another individual to experience negative emotions like anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. 

We've put together signs that indicate that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, plus other signs of abuse.

Signs of Physical Abuse

1. Hitting, punching, kicking, shoving, choking, or slapping

2. Using weapons to inflict harm or threaten you

3. Controlling what you eat or when you sleep

4. Forcing you to do work against your will

5. Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol

6. Stopping you from seeking medical treatment or calling for help

Signs of Sexual Abuse

1. Forcing you to perform sexual acts without consent

2. Demanding sex when you're not willing or able

3. Harming you during sex by choking, holding, or striking you

4. Forcing you to watch pornography

5. Insulting you in sexual ways

Signs of Psychological Abuse

1. Threatening to hurt you or your children, pets, or loved ones

2. Damaging your stealing your belongings, or threatening to

3. Blaming you for the abuse, saying that you deserve what happens or that you caused him to react 

4. Withholding affection or acknowledgement in order to punish you or get their way

5. Cheating on you to deliberately cause you anguish

6. Lying to you

Signs of Reproductive Abuse

1. Refusing to use a condom, or deliberately removing it during intercourse without your knowledge

2. Refusing to let you use birth control of your choice

3. Sabotaging birth control, such as poking holes in condoms, swapping out birth control pills, not pulling out

4. Forcing you to become pregnant

5. Forcing you to have an abortion, or preventing you from getting one, regardless of your wishes

Signs of Financial Abuse

1. Preventing you from having access to bank accounts with your money

2. Only permitting you to spend from an allowance

3. Monitoring how you spend money and deciding what you can or cannot buy

4. Stealing your money or using your savings or credit cards without your permission

5. Refusing to contribute to shared expenses such as rent, food, childcare, etc. 

5 Signs You May Need Counseling

Everyone experiences times of more intense emotions from time to time, such as the top-of-the-world feeling of falling in love or getting a new job, crying at the loss of a pet, or feeling like laying on the horn or uttering some choice words when someone cuts you off in traffic.  After all, we are humans and have feelings. Yet, there are other times when our feelings and our actions may indicate a need for some professional counseling help.  If you or someone you care about notice any of the following, it might be a good time to reach out for help.

Experiencing Habit Changes: 

Sleep Patterns

• You are sleeping more or less than usual.

• You are not able to get out of bed, even when you have things to do.

• You wake up in the middle of the night and have difficulty getting back to sleep.

• You have trouble falling asleep.

• You have recurrent nightmares.

Eating Patterns

• You are eating more or less than usual.  

• You find yourself binge eating food.  

• You feel ashamed of and want to hide your eating patterns.

• You have lost your appetite.

• You eat for comfort.

Experiencing Behavior Changes:

Financial Patterns

You are acting more reckless than usual.

You are racking up debt.

You are spending money on things you can’t afford.

You are gambling away money you need for your bills.  

Substance Use

You are drinking more alcohol than you typically would.

You are unable to relax without some sort of drug or substance.

Your substance use is interfering with your work or relationships.

Experiencing Extremes in Your Actions

You are being reckless.

You are driving carelessly or faster than usual.

You are shouting at your kids or spouse and being more “on edge” than usual.

You are slamming doors, throwing things, threatening others, or storming around.

You are reacting more intensely than situations deserve.

Experiencing Emotional Extremes

You are feeling guilty or shameful.

You are crying more than usual or feeling sad much of the time.

You are anxious, fearful, or experiencing panic sensations. 

You are feeling numb or distant from life.

You feel that no one understands you.

You feel something is “off,” but you don’t know what.

Feeling Detached

You find yourself withdrawing from activities you used to enjoy.

You feel like you are “just going through the motions.” 

You feel like you are not attached to your body, are watching yourself from outside of your body, or notice that you or the things and people around you don’t seem “real.”

Thinking in Extremes

You are having thoughts of ending it all.

You fantasize about hurting yourself.

You are hearing voices or having thoughts that make you want to do something unpleasant or compel you to take actions you don’t want to take, think about things you find to be disturbing, or have intrusive and repetitive thoughts that you don’t want but can’t seem to figure out how to stop.

Reach Out

If you are experiencing any of the above, you may benefit by reaching out to a counselor.  Please contact us by calling: 541-275-0412 if you’d like to talk to someone about the signs and symptoms you’re having and see how we can help you to get back to feeling yourself again.

Why Can’t My Spouse Just Get Over My Affair Already?

Whether sexual in nature or strictly emotional, affairs take place when needs that are to be met inside one’s marriage are sought to be met outside of it.  

It might start as a fairly innocent encounter with someone who appears to be able to provide what pre-straying spouse may feel they lack, be it understanding, respect, excitement, power, desirability, escape, admiration, or whatever the trait may be.  

One thing leads to another, and the lines begin to blur.  Justification starts to take place, excuses, and maybe even guilt.  However, once things are in motion, it is often difficult to find the strength to do the right thing(s)… come clean, make a break, ask for forgiveness, seek reconciliation.  

So, when a straying spouse makes the difficult choices to take responsibility, come clean, and decide to rebuild from the damage, it may be frustrating to be met with hoop after hoop to jump through to prove to their spouse that they have changed and are able to be trusted now.

Research seems to indicate that 60-80% of couples who have experienced an affair are able to recover and stay married.  

While difficult, it is possible to come through an affair stronger than ever.

However, the process may seem to be dragging along too long and feel as if it is just a guilt and bashing session to the offending spouse with little assurance that things will be resolved any time soon.  Why is this?

Some of the reasons for this include:

• While the offender has had time and knowledge of the affair and the events and specifics of it, the faithful spouse likely has been blindsided to some degree with the news well after the fact, and has not been included in the details.

• The unknown details can leave the faithful spouse feeling uncertain as to whether there is more information being currently withheld.

• The unknown details can also leave the faithful spouse feeling like they can’t gauge how safe they are, as they don’t know what they don’t know.

• To feel that the perceived threat to the safety of their marriage is over, the faithful spouse may feel the need to ask questions, verify the answers over and over again to make sure they are true, and basically see if they can muster up the courage to build trust again with someone who previously committed to be faithful. He or she may wonder, “If he/she could do it once, what stops him/her from doing it again?”  “How can I know that I can really trust him/her this time?”

• The initial shock and information is just the beginning of the process for the offended spouse to learn the new terrain they are now navigating.  As time goes on and processing of events happens, your spouse may want to clarify, understand any information that seems to be contradictory, or share further to make sure you truly understand how your behavior has hurt and impacted him/her.

While each couple’s situation is different, the offending spouse will do best to leave the timeframe of the affair recovery process up to the offended party and can expect to the following to make their partner feel safe and able to trust again eventually:

• Express a compassionate willingness to answer any and all questions from your spouse to their level of satisfaction or need.

• Answer each question about affair specifics that your spouse asks without defensiveness or evasion.  This helps your spouse to feel let in on the “secrets” you shared with someone else, so that he/she can feel connected to the once hidden parts of you.

• Explain how things are different now, why you are choosing your spouse over the affair, and what you are doing to demonstrate integrity now.  Actions such as stating where you are going, when you will be home, who you will be visiting, allowing your spouse unrestricted access to your phone or computer, and submitting to becoming an “open book” can help.

• Offer regularly scheduled check-in times each week where the two of you can discuss the topic of the affair and further work on healing through communicating any information that is still needed.  In this way, you and your spouse might be able to get back to a sense of “regular” life while not brushing the affair under the rug but simply “containing” it to an appropriate degree and time and place.

• Become a person of integrity.  Let your words and your actions line up in truth.

• Seek out individual and couples’ therapy so that your needs, thoughts, and feelings, as well as your spouses can be heard in a constructive way, but expect to attend to your spouse’s needs, thoughts, and feelings primarily in the beginning days and weeks.

• Sincerely apologize for and turn away from such behavior and continue to do so as the need arises.

If you could use help for your individual needs or for couples’ work as you seek to work on affair recovery, please reach out to us for counseling by contacting us at: 541-275-0412

How to Have That Difficult Conversation with Your Spouse

Every marriage has times where communication comes easy and free, but every marriage also has times when topics come up that present opportunities where more difficult conversations need to be had.  Although they may be uncomfortable, if they are necessary, there are some techniques that can make them easier to navigate.

Here Are Some Tips to Help

Select An Appropriate Time- Don’t bring up a difficult conversation topic in the middle of an argument or when you don’t have time to see it through to an effective resolution.  Select a time when you are both going to be well-rested, able to navigate difficult feelings, and select a place that is distraction free and without others around.

Set the Expectation- Let your spouse know that you would like to set-up a time to discuss xyz.  Ask your spouse if they are willing to set aside some time to really talk about this and work through it.  

Speak Gently- A gentle tone of voice is something that the Bible tells us can turn away wrath.  It’s true, the tone in which conversations are shared can make a big difference between putting the other person on the defensive and being heard in a spirit of understanding and cooperation.

Stay Respectful- Remember that you each have your individual thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, and that is healthy and completely okay.  However, each person should also feel that they can share their viewpoints, wants, and needs without being put down or criticized.  

Identify Your Main Points and Your Desired Outcome- Having a difficult conversation can be complicated when you try to bring up multiple topics at once for discussion or when you feel many emotions at once.  

Prior to beginning the discussion, try to identify: 

1) Your main point 

2) What you feel, need, and want  

3) What you believe you understand your spouse to want 

4) An identified end goal that will work for both of you.

For instance, if you want to discuss selling the house, you might want to discuss your main point of wanting to wait until the warmer weather begins before listing it.  

Stating your points in the following format can help:  When you say you want to put the house up for sale next week, I feel stressed and need to feel I have enough time to emotionally transition to the plan.  Would you please be willing to consider pushing out the timeframe until June?  I understand that you would like to do it sooner, so I am willing to support that if you can’t wait until June, but I really need at least a month to be ready to list it.

Take Turns and Do Not Interupt- Allow each person to have their say and to clarify with each other to be sure both parties understand the other’s point of view and needs.

Match Feelings and Logic With Each Other- Try to match emotions expressed by each other with empathic emotional understanding and logical points expressed by each other with logical connections.  Many frustrations happen when couples meet emotions with logic and vice versa.

Example of the way not to do it:

Spouse 1: I am so angry right now at my mom that I could scream. (Emotion)

Spouse 2: You better not say anything to her, or she might not babysit tomorrow night. (Logic)

Result: Spouse 1 feels Spouse 2 only cares about tomorrow night’s plans and not about their feelings.

Example of the better way to do it:

Spouse 1: I am so angry right now at my mom that I could scream. (Emotion)

Spouse 2: I am sorry she is frustrating you so much.  Can I do anything to help you feel better? (Emotion)

Spouse 1: Thank, but I think I just needed to vent.  I don’t want to say anything to her now, or we might lose our sitter for tomorrow. (Logic)

Spouse 2: That makes sense. You can talk to her this weekend if you want. (Logic)

Result: By matching like with like, both individuals feel heard.

Work Towards the Win-Win- The best difficult conversations end with a resolution that works for both parties.  Sometimes there is not a perfect solution, but if you both determine to look out for each other’s needs and to work with each other in respectful understanding and negotiation, you can both benefit, grow closer to each other, and resolve difficulties quicker and more effectively.

If you and your spouse could use some help in your relationship to have the hard conversations and find a way through to the other side, give us a call: 5541-275-0412

Blog written by Michelle Croyle

How is Faith-Based Counseling is Different from Regular Counseling?

When a Christian client goes up to a secular therapist’s door, there can be some apprehension.  Questions like, “Is this person going to be able to really understand and respect my beliefs” and “What if they make me do something I’m not spiritually comfortable with” might come up.  

One great thing about the counseling profession is that counselors are not ethically supposed to impose their personal viewpoints on clients.  So, while every therapist has their own beliefs, as long as they attend to the client’s values in the therapeutic relationship, the potential difference in belief systems should not be an issue.

However, there can be great benefits to seeking out a therapist who does share the same faith as you, too.

Here are some ways faith-based counseling for Christians is different from secular counseling:

-Christian therapists understand that prayer is a powerful tool in the healing process and, hopefully, seek to bring God’s Word and standards into the counseling relationship as much as the client desires.  Secular therapists are likely to practice from a more humanistic worldview and lack the foundation of Biblical wisdom and the understanding of how prayer works and can be incorporated into the healing process.

-Christian therapists can counsel clients towards their ultimate end goal for healing as it relates to a closer relationship with God because it is not just about the here and now perspective for the Christian client, unless they would like for it to be.  Secular therapists are primarily focused on the functioning of the client in the earthly space and may miss the spiritual component of a person entirely.

-Christian therapists can know that they can do nothing to heal clients in and of their own power but are gifted of God by His Holy Spirit to minister to the clients that He brings along their path.  In this way, the counseling process becomes one of seeking God’s will first rather than the human will’s desires as in secular counseling.

-Christian therapy can incorporate valuable spiritual resources such as referrals to Bible studies, churches, prayer groups, books by Christian authors and thought leaders, speaking the same language as some Christian clients.  How many non-believers can tell you what K-Love is or reference Paul’s struggle with a thorn in his side?

-Also, Christian therapists will understand the concepts of sin and salvation, whereas secular therapists have only human understanding to guide them in understanding the basis of right, wrong, and one’s bottom line.

Overall, a good therapist is a good therapist, and a poor therapist is a poor therapist, no matter if the therapist is a Christian or not.  However, for the Christian believer who is considering their therapy options, the best fit may very well be finding an excellent therapist who also has the heart of a Servant of Christ, empowered by the Holy Spirit to be able to use the great tools of the therapy world in conjunction with the faith for the ultimate goal of helping the client who is a believer to reach not only their earthly goals by earthly means but their spiritual goals by the best of both worlds.

We offer faith-based counseling to those who desire for it to be incorporated in their healing journey.  Let us know how we can help you to meet your therapeutic goals.

Blog written by Michelle Croyle

5 Easy Ways to Grow Your Spiritual Life

A client once said that she can’t seem to connect with God and hear from Him in her life.  While she really felt this and believed it to be true for her, it was clearly inaccurate.  The reason that it was easy to point this out as a fallacy to her was that she was sitting in a therapy session with a Christian therapist who cared about her, and she was actually making actionable progress toward her goals.  

The therapist response was something like, “You don’t think that God sees you, hears you, or is speaking to you?  Aren’t you here?  Haven’t you been looking for a therapist who can help you?  Haven’t you said you consider this a divine appointment? Aren’t you healing?”

The woman was amazed as she heard those words. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.  That’s true.  God did bring me here to you, and this is helping.”

So, if you want to grow closer to God and see Him more in your life, the first easy step is to:

Open Your Eyes- His mercy and blessings to you are all around you. Focusing your attention on His provisions, everyday kindnesses from others in your life, from a sincere, joyful greeting from a cashier to the gentle laughter of a child, to the food you eat and the clothing you wear lets you to notice the evidence that God is real and all around you in your everyday life.

Noticing then can lead you to:

Give Thanks- Giving thanks to God for who He is and all of the many things that He has provided and done for you allows your mind and your heart to attune to His good nature.  After all, the Bible says that every good and perfect gift comes from Him, James 1:17.  This ultimately lets us to see that God is our friend, and we want to spend time with our friends because they care for us and are enjoyable to be around.

Accepting that God is your friend can lead you to:

Accept that You Are Loved- This may seem like a basic church saying, but if you really believe and accept that God loves YOU, not a general you but a specific you, the one reading these words right now, it can change your walk with Him for the better.  Knowing that God is a personal God who loves you as a unique and valued creation of His is so powerful for growing closer to Him.  When you know this love is for you, you begin to realize that He has a specific plan for the ways He has created you, that you have a purpose in His kingdom, and that there are acts of service that He has already planned in advance for you to do.  This is world changing stuff, and when you know that God wants you to work with Him to bring more of Him to the world, you can’t help but grow closer in your walk with Him.  Imagine God or Jesus holding you or holding your hand, see Him in your minds eye as a friend who loves hearing your thoughts and being your friend.

Don’t Compare Yourself With Others or “Shoulds”- Knowing that you are a unique and wonderful creation of the living and present God, Creator of the Universe, then allows you to realize that you don’t have to compete with anyone else, compare your walk to the walk of anyone else, look like anyone else, talk like anyone else, or even engage in spiritual disciplines the same as anyone else.  Sure, it could be great if you get up at 5am each morning and spend an hour in prayer and Bible reading.  There can be benefits to doing this and reasons for doing this, but if you are then going to be grouchy, yell at your kids, kick the dog, and fall asleep at work, you may be better suited to do your Bible time later in the day.  If you can’t read without losing focus, try an audio version of the Bible via a phone app.  Go to church on Saturday night, pray during your time on the treadmill, or do something else that allows you to really connect with God’s presence rather than what you feel you “should” do based on what someone else does.

Lastly, to easily grow closer to God, realize that while He is God and His ways are higher than ours, He is also approachable in your everyday life.

Consider Worship the Whole of Your Life- Rather than compartmentalize certain tasks as holy or spiritual, realize that working as unto God in your day job is every bit a way of worshipping Him as singing to Him in church on Sunday.  Showing your spouse kindness and love is putting the Bible into action.  Even taking time to rest, is a reflection of something God first modeled for you.  Viewing and offering up you every day moments and activities as acts of worship to God can also allow you to see that He is there for you.

As the Bible says, “For in Him we live and move and have our being,” Acts 17:28.

Written by Guest Blogger Michelle Croyle

How Magical Thinking Destroys Intimacy

Magical thinking is that deceptive blend of imagination and hope that leads a person to believe that they can expect certain actions or events in spite of the lack of factors that in reality can cause the desired effect.

Let’s look at an example of this principle in action in the following anecdote.

Nancy Gets Upset with Her Husband, Bob For Going to a Baseball Game  

Bob came home from work one day and told Nancy that he had gotten a ticket to go to a professional baseball game at the local stadium the following week as a perk of his job and would like to go.  He, then, asked Nancy if she’d mind it if he went.  

Nancy, then, said, “No, go if you want to go.”  

Bob said, “Okay, I’d like that.”  So, Bob went to the game.

On the day of the game, Nancy moped around the house, gave abrupt answers to Bob, and snarled at the kids.  That evening, while Bob was at the game, Nancy broke down in tears and called her friend.

“Why are you so upset,” her friend asked.

“Because, Bob went to the baseball game tonight.”

“Why didn’t he stay home or have you go with him?”  The friend asked.

“Well, he asked me if I minded if he’d go,” said Nancy.

“Okay, then why are you upset?” Her friend asked.  

“Because,” said Nancy, “if he really loved me, he would know that when I said I didn’t mind if he went to the ballgame that I really did mind, and he should be able to read my mind and what I really meant.  I really wanted him to stay home with me, but I didn’t want to tell him that.  He should have known what I really wanted.” 

Mixed Signals

Nancy told Bob one thing and meant another.  She then expected him to read her mind.  She also got mad at Bob when he did nothing wrong but try to communicate with her.  

Nancy was using magical thinking when she expected Bob to read her mind, if he loved her enough.

She was not only implying that Bob had some sort of super mindreading power but was also imposing her judgment on whether his love was enough.  Nancy put both herself and Bob into a rough spot with her magical thinking.  This resulted in her being upset, and it probably didn’t go too well for Bob when he got home.  The was likely very surprised to come home to a mad and sad wife for no reason that he could clearly understand.

Intimacy Requires Trust, Honesty, and Vulnerability

Intimacy requires trust, honesty, and vulnerability.  Magical thinking, which expects results and outcomes which are different from the initial input that results in the outcome erodes all of these ingredients in good, healthy communication between people.

In the case of Nancy and Bob, Nancy’s magical thinking not only made her miserable, but it also left Bob at a disadvantage.  He thought he was acting in line with what his wife wanted only to be left with displeasing her through no fault of his own.

Nancy could have saved them both a lot of trouble if she had been honest, vulnerable, and ultimately trustworthy and simply said something like, “I would rather you stay home because I’ll miss you, but if you want to go, it just means you like baseball and not that you don’t want to be with me, right?”

Bob would then have been able to make a choice based on her honest input, and he would have had the opportunity to reaffirm that he loves her.  These actions would have built intimacy between the two and not torn it apart nor hurt each other.

Be like Bob, not like Nancy.

If you could you some help with your relational communication, please contact us: 541-275-0412