Are you playing with your partner?
Often our experience of the mundane aspects of life gets in the way of being able to have fun or enjoy something creative and novel. The ironic thing about play is that it is an executive function in our brain that creates social bonding, opens creative opportunities, and produces natural healing properties in the body.*
When it comes to connecting with another person, one of the most natural ways we do this is seen in the behavior of children…PLAY!
Often our experience of the mundane aspects of life gets in the way of being able to have fun or enjoy something creative and novel. And then if you add stressors from work, maintaining the house, or relationship conflict, play is generally the furthest thing from your mind.
The ironic thing about play is that it is an executive function in our brain that creates social bonding, opens creative opportunities, and produces natural healing properties in the body.* You may be thinking… what do you mean play…
Here are a few examples of play as adults:
plan a picnic
take a long hike or drive together
explore a town you have both wanted to visit
choose and learn a new game together
plan a meal and invite friends over
choose a new restaurant or cuisine to try
learn a new language together
rent a tandem bicycle
How do play with your partner? What are some things you can try to breathe new life into your relationship by playing together?
I’d love to hear your stories with this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your counseling journey, you can start here.
Why you don’t want a conflict free marriage…
The Gottman Institute, out of Seattle, has done a lot of research on this and shown that compatability or having “sameness” doesn’t actually create connection. It is actually the ability to meet your spouse in their difference with understanding and acceptance that creates connection.
Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash
Let’s talk about vulnerability. When you are vulnerable, you share part of yourself with someone. This could be and experience that you had earlier in the day or something that was traumatic, or something that the other person did that you had an emotional reaction to. It is a risky endeavor to be vulnerable.
Why it is important to be vulnerable is because that is one of the best ways to build trust. This presents an issue if you have the mentality that the person you are sharing your life with needs to have the same values and experiences you do. The Gottman Institute, out of Seattle, has done a lot of research on this and shown that compatability or having “sameness” doesn’t actually create connection. It is actually the ability to meet your spouse in their difference with understanding and acceptance that creates connection.
Conflict naturally arises when your values, opinions, and beliefs are different from those of your spouse. This is actually exciting because you have the opportunity to show them that you care and want to understand their experience. When you approach this opportunity with openness and a willingness to listen for understanding, intimacy is actually forged through these differences. That’s right! The connection in the midst of the difference builds intimacy! The good news is that we have these opportunities every day and we will miss some and meet some. You get to decide how you show up for your spouse! If you are a bit like me, you will start looking for ways to connect through the differences and conflict instead of disconnecting. Stay humble and start with listening, extending the invitation for your spouse to be known and loved.
If you want help learning how to do this, please schedule an appointment.
How to Repair your relationship after you hurt them
Anatomy of a sincere apology:
Take responsibility for the hurt you have cause by your actions.
I am sorry for ______ and the way it made you feel ______.
Validate the relationship and commit to trying to be better next time.
I love you, want to make our relationship work and never wanted to make you feel ______. I will do my best to ______ so that I don’t cause you to feel ______ for that again.
Invite them to relationship.
Please forgive me for ______. I want to start fresh and love you better.
This is a simple formula that is difficult to execute in an emotional situation. Our natural tendency is to turn away and be defensive. The point of this formula is to turn toward your spouse in the midst of conflict instead of turning away.