Creating Space For Vulnerability and Courage

Last time we discussed how to overcome passivity with accountability and humility.  This week we will explore vulnerability and courage and their role in moving away from passivity.  Passivity can become a habit based on previous experiences within our relationships.  It may look like a shutdown response where we tell ourselves “I don’t know what to do so I’m just not going to do anything.”  Or maybe we are in a situation where we don’t know how to engage with another person in an effective manner.  We often choose to be passive because when we have tried to engage previously, we believed that we made the situation worse so we don’t try to engage in the current experience.  We have to choose action, choose to be vulnerable, and choose to be the hero within our own story.  But how do we do this? 

The first step we can take to choose vulnerability and courage is to change our self-talk.  What are you telling yourself about who you are within a given situation?  When we allow previous experiences to tell us we shouldn’t try anymore because we may not have communicated effectively in the past, we are living in fear.  Fear can be crippling!  I’m not here to say just get over it.  The whole purpose of fear is to keep us safe, but sometimes we feel fear even when there is not really a threat.  Our limbic system, or survival brain, is in place to protect us.  This is where the fight, flight, or freeze response comes from.  Our limbic system will use previous experiences where we were actually in danger to inform our actions in new situations, but it can get it wrong sometimes.  To override this system we have to ask ourselves “Am I really in danger here?”  Usually the answer is no, and this acts as a reset within our body and it will stop us from projecting into the future.  

Now back to our internal monologues.  Our brains often trick us into believing that it is easier to be passive because “we are not good enough; bad at communicating; will just make it worse” and the list goes on.  We have to first notice that we are having these thoughts.  You may be tired of hearing this by now if you have read previous posts but it really is the first step!  Take a few minutes to sit down and explore what it is you are telling yourself.  Many people also find it helpful to write the thoughts down (even if they later throw the paper away).  By writing it down we are taking it out of our mind, or externalizing it, and it becomes easier when we actually see the thought to then acknowledge that we may not really believe what we are telling ourselves.  Our next step is to visualize.  Visualize what it would look like to act with vulnerability and courage.  Michael Phelps makes this visualization process a part of his training.  He takes the time before every training session to sit down, close his eyes, and visualize within his mind what it would be like to swim each race.  What his body will feel like, what his body will look like as it works in unison, and what it will feel like at the end of the race.  

You may also choose to speak the thoughts in your mind out loud, maybe to your partner.  One thing to keep in mind if you choose to do this is that if you have not often spoken your mind (been passive) it can feel aggressive to your partner.  I don’t say this to stop you from doing it, but it can be helpful to offer your partner some assurance.  When you voice your first crappy draft, just the thoughts that are running through your head before you reframe them, let them know that you don’t really believe this, you are just letting the thoughts out of your head so you don’t ruminate on them.  You don’t actually think they are a bad person!

To feel hopeful that we can change and act with vulnerability and courage we have to try again, even when we fail the first few times.  By telling ourselves that being passive is not actually helping our relationship, that we are worthy, that we are strong, and so on, we can break the pattern of passivity.  Your thoughts and feelings matter and it is important to discuss them with your partner to create a resilient relationship.  Hope does not mean that you will do everything perfectly, and say all of the right things, or that it will even be easy.  In reality it will be hard and it will take a lot of practice.  It is okay to say to yourself or to your partner “I am having a hard time right now and I am not sure how to go forward with vulnerability and courage.”  Just don’t let this stop you from continuing to try.  To be vulnerable with others, we have to first create a safe space within ourselves.  We do this by changing our internal thoughts into one of love and encouragement!

Moving Forward With Acceptance and Humility

A prerequisite for overcoming passivity is acting through acceptance and humility.  Passivity can be the comfortable place to be at times while acceptance and humility mean we have to be kind to ourselves and those around us which can be hard.  We are generally our own worst critic and it can keep us in the victim mindset.  Being aware of ourselves and where our mindset is takes a lot of courage as well as acceptance that we are good enough as we are and nothing can change God’s love for us.  

The Merriam-Webster definition of humility is: not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing or offering in a spirit of deference or submission a humble apology.  I think this definition is lacking a little bit and promotes the idea of letting others do as they like without ever asking for your own needs.  Another definition of humility is love and acceptance.  Here is an example; as therapists we want to give our clients unconditional positive regard, or love.  We check our egos at the door and accept our clients as they are and provide them with a safe space that they may not experience anywhere else.  The key part of the example is the idea of checking our ego at the door and recognizing that our clients are on a journey of growth and we are there to walk with them as they learn and change.  If we were to get frustrated and blame ourselves if we feel like a client isn’t growing then we won’t be effective.  This is our chance to ask them what else is going on in their lives, what they think is working and what they don’t think is working, and explore the therapeutic relationship.  Now change this to your relationship with your partner!

Humility does not mean that you can’t be assertive.  The idea is more that we can be assertive for our needs without being assertive over or controlling over others.  Sometimes we think that humility means that it is better to just not say something to our partner because we don’t want to create a bigger issue.  This is not true though!  Being able to have a conversation with our partner where we acknowledge the mistakes we have made and also express our needs takes courage and shows our acceptance and love for our partners.  Acceptance is a critical part of being humble.  When we are not humble or accepting of ourselves, somebody else’s hurt means that we are the problem, that we are not enough as we are.  When we act with humility we don’t feel the need to defend ourselves when mistakes are made, we can explore that hurt and find ways to move forward together.  

One major takeaway from our discussion today is to focus on the behavior as the problem instead of the person being the problem.  If we are telling ourselves that we are bad people or that our partner is a terrible person because they hurt us we are looking at them with blame and judgement.  We should look at a problem like it is an opportunity for growth.  Once we start loving ourselves the way that God loves us, we can start loving others that way as well.  One step forward is to journal about this question: how can I love better?  Once we are able to answer that question we can start moving forward!