How to Have That Difficult Conversation with Your Spouse

Every marriage has times where communication comes easy and free, but every marriage also has times when topics come up that present opportunities where more difficult conversations need to be had.  Although they may be uncomfortable, if they are necessary, there are some techniques that can make them easier to navigate.

Here Are Some Tips to Help

Select An Appropriate Time- Don’t bring up a difficult conversation topic in the middle of an argument or when you don’t have time to see it through to an effective resolution.  Select a time when you are both going to be well-rested, able to navigate difficult feelings, and select a place that is distraction free and without others around.

Set the Expectation- Let your spouse know that you would like to set-up a time to discuss xyz.  Ask your spouse if they are willing to set aside some time to really talk about this and work through it.  

Speak Gently- A gentle tone of voice is something that the Bible tells us can turn away wrath.  It’s true, the tone in which conversations are shared can make a big difference between putting the other person on the defensive and being heard in a spirit of understanding and cooperation.

Stay Respectful- Remember that you each have your individual thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, and that is healthy and completely okay.  However, each person should also feel that they can share their viewpoints, wants, and needs without being put down or criticized.  

Identify Your Main Points and Your Desired Outcome- Having a difficult conversation can be complicated when you try to bring up multiple topics at once for discussion or when you feel many emotions at once.  

Prior to beginning the discussion, try to identify: 

1) Your main point 

2) What you feel, need, and want  

3) What you believe you understand your spouse to want 

4) An identified end goal that will work for both of you.

For instance, if you want to discuss selling the house, you might want to discuss your main point of wanting to wait until the warmer weather begins before listing it.  

Stating your points in the following format can help:  When you say you want to put the house up for sale next week, I feel stressed and need to feel I have enough time to emotionally transition to the plan.  Would you please be willing to consider pushing out the timeframe until June?  I understand that you would like to do it sooner, so I am willing to support that if you can’t wait until June, but I really need at least a month to be ready to list it.

Take Turns and Do Not Interupt- Allow each person to have their say and to clarify with each other to be sure both parties understand the other’s point of view and needs.

Match Feelings and Logic With Each Other- Try to match emotions expressed by each other with empathic emotional understanding and logical points expressed by each other with logical connections.  Many frustrations happen when couples meet emotions with logic and vice versa.

Example of the way not to do it:

Spouse 1: I am so angry right now at my mom that I could scream. (Emotion)

Spouse 2: You better not say anything to her, or she might not babysit tomorrow night. (Logic)

Result: Spouse 1 feels Spouse 2 only cares about tomorrow night’s plans and not about their feelings.

Example of the better way to do it:

Spouse 1: I am so angry right now at my mom that I could scream. (Emotion)

Spouse 2: I am sorry she is frustrating you so much.  Can I do anything to help you feel better? (Emotion)

Spouse 1: Thank, but I think I just needed to vent.  I don’t want to say anything to her now, or we might lose our sitter for tomorrow. (Logic)

Spouse 2: That makes sense. You can talk to her this weekend if you want. (Logic)

Result: By matching like with like, both individuals feel heard.

Work Towards the Win-Win- The best difficult conversations end with a resolution that works for both parties.  Sometimes there is not a perfect solution, but if you both determine to look out for each other’s needs and to work with each other in respectful understanding and negotiation, you can both benefit, grow closer to each other, and resolve difficulties quicker and more effectively.

If you and your spouse could use some help in your relationship to have the hard conversations and find a way through to the other side, give us a call: 5541-275-0412

Blog written by Michelle Croyle