Creating Space For Vulnerability and Courage

Last time we discussed how to overcome passivity with accountability and humility.  This week we will explore vulnerability and courage and their role in moving away from passivity.  Passivity can become a habit based on previous experiences within our relationships.  It may look like a shutdown response where we tell ourselves “I don’t know what to do so I’m just not going to do anything.”  Or maybe we are in a situation where we don’t know how to engage with another person in an effective manner.  We often choose to be passive because when we have tried to engage previously, we believed that we made the situation worse so we don’t try to engage in the current experience.  We have to choose action, choose to be vulnerable, and choose to be the hero within our own story.  But how do we do this? 

The first step we can take to choose vulnerability and courage is to change our self-talk.  What are you telling yourself about who you are within a given situation?  When we allow previous experiences to tell us we shouldn’t try anymore because we may not have communicated effectively in the past, we are living in fear.  Fear can be crippling!  I’m not here to say just get over it.  The whole purpose of fear is to keep us safe, but sometimes we feel fear even when there is not really a threat.  Our limbic system, or survival brain, is in place to protect us.  This is where the fight, flight, or freeze response comes from.  Our limbic system will use previous experiences where we were actually in danger to inform our actions in new situations, but it can get it wrong sometimes.  To override this system we have to ask ourselves “Am I really in danger here?”  Usually the answer is no, and this acts as a reset within our body and it will stop us from projecting into the future.  

Now back to our internal monologues.  Our brains often trick us into believing that it is easier to be passive because “we are not good enough; bad at communicating; will just make it worse” and the list goes on.  We have to first notice that we are having these thoughts.  You may be tired of hearing this by now if you have read previous posts but it really is the first step!  Take a few minutes to sit down and explore what it is you are telling yourself.  Many people also find it helpful to write the thoughts down (even if they later throw the paper away).  By writing it down we are taking it out of our mind, or externalizing it, and it becomes easier when we actually see the thought to then acknowledge that we may not really believe what we are telling ourselves.  Our next step is to visualize.  Visualize what it would look like to act with vulnerability and courage.  Michael Phelps makes this visualization process a part of his training.  He takes the time before every training session to sit down, close his eyes, and visualize within his mind what it would be like to swim each race.  What his body will feel like, what his body will look like as it works in unison, and what it will feel like at the end of the race.  

You may also choose to speak the thoughts in your mind out loud, maybe to your partner.  One thing to keep in mind if you choose to do this is that if you have not often spoken your mind (been passive) it can feel aggressive to your partner.  I don’t say this to stop you from doing it, but it can be helpful to offer your partner some assurance.  When you voice your first crappy draft, just the thoughts that are running through your head before you reframe them, let them know that you don’t really believe this, you are just letting the thoughts out of your head so you don’t ruminate on them.  You don’t actually think they are a bad person!

To feel hopeful that we can change and act with vulnerability and courage we have to try again, even when we fail the first few times.  By telling ourselves that being passive is not actually helping our relationship, that we are worthy, that we are strong, and so on, we can break the pattern of passivity.  Your thoughts and feelings matter and it is important to discuss them with your partner to create a resilient relationship.  Hope does not mean that you will do everything perfectly, and say all of the right things, or that it will even be easy.  In reality it will be hard and it will take a lot of practice.  It is okay to say to yourself or to your partner “I am having a hard time right now and I am not sure how to go forward with vulnerability and courage.”  Just don’t let this stop you from continuing to try.  To be vulnerable with others, we have to first create a safe space within ourselves.  We do this by changing our internal thoughts into one of love and encouragement!

Choose to see Opportunity over Offense!

One of the biggest myths that is ingrained in society today is that conflict is bad… that conflict is actually something to be avoided at all costs.

Think about the impact of this for a second… The implications of this are epic in your significant relationships. Any difference of opinion, values, beliefs are not only off the table for discussion, they become a personal attack. An offense for simply being different than you are. When it is put this way, it seems very illogical and ridiculous. However, the unfortunate truth of the matter is that you will succumb to this thinking if you do not take action now! Choosing to have an open mind and acceptance of your partner in the midst of conflict is the birthplace of intimacy.

Your relationship’s success depends on your choice to see that your partner expressing him or herself is an opportunity instead of a personal attack because it is different than you or your [unhealthy] expectation of them. Let that sink in for a minute. You choose to see opportunity or offense. You are only responsible for yourself and your actions within a relationship. You cannot control their emotions or their thoughts. And any attempt to try to control them is typically considered manipulation.

Earlier we talked about being open minded and accepting; which are both characteristics of being vulnerable. This skill of seeking openness to your partner’s perspective is one of the 6 that is necessary for developing connection and deep intimacy in your relationship. Another skill that is important to develop is personal accountability. When you can take responsibility for your actions and the feelings they have caused, you are primed for a deeper connection. This personal responsibility is the key to a sincere apology and repairing the hurt you've caused by taking personal offense in the middle of conflict.

These two skills, vulnerable and accountable are a healthy start to growing in the six relationship principles to develop healthy communication and a cycle of relationship building during conflict. It is normal for these skills to take effort and time. You will not be perfect and neither will your partner. Let difference and conflict turn into an opportunity to grow closer to your partner.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

A Framework for Relationship Success

When thinking through the 3 C’s of communication (borrowed from www.securemarriage.com) it is important to understand what moves us from the conflict cycle of communication to the connection cycle of communication. As we have outlined a basic understanding of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in the last post, you now have a simple understanding of what gets us into the conflict cycle. I’ve thought about what gets us out of the conflict cycle to create connecting communication and have come up with six core relationship values.

The VALUES make up an acronym: Vulnerable, Accountable, Learning, Understanding, Empathy, Shared meaning. These six values are practiced to bring you into the connecting communication where it is possible to build trust, resolve conflict and deepen your intimacy. Let’s briefly break them down as to how they work in the context of a relationship.

Vulnerability is the amount of openness and receptiveness you have in your relationship. In most aspects of life there requires some level of vulnerability or risk. The reason for this is that we require relationships to function in the day-to-day activities for survival. Where there is a relationship, regardless of depth, there is vulnerability. Bringing this back to connecting communication… to build trust, resolve conflict, or deepen intimacy you are required to share about yourself; your opinions, values, ways of doing things. So when you do this you make yourself vulnerable to someone’s evaluation or acceptance of these things. It is requires openness to be known and loved. It requires receptiveness to someone else to know and love.

Accountability is a posture of being proactive, intentional, and responsible. In any relationship there are commitments you make as a function of building trust and establishing reliability. You agree to be intentional with how you consider your partner in your actions. There is responsibility to how you act towards your partner when you are in conflict or in peace. You are accountable to have integrity in who you are in and out of the relationship. Integrity is a way of being regardless of circumstance or emotion.

Learning is established by curiosity for yourself and for your partner. Often when you find conflict in your relationship is because you have forgotten to see your partner as a person to be loved and they become a problem to be fixed. This happens around differing opinions, values and experiences without the sense that your partner's just as important and valid as you. Getting a mindset of curiosity about your partner opens up with vulnerability the acceptance and influence of their perspective. Also you might be focusing on your partner or their actions or the busyness of life and you miss the opportunity to be curious about yourself and how you are growing and changing and developing. Curiosity about yourself and your partner enables acceptance and intimacy in your relationship.

Understanding is the posture of positive regard in trying to see yourself and your partner for who you are and why you do what you do. It is the knowledge of experiences that is either shared or personal. A reflection to wrap your head around what you and your partner might be experiencing. You will get into conflict by assuming you know what someone’s experience is without actually taking the time to talk to them and this leaves your partner feeling judged and misunderstood. Your brain naturally fills in gaps of stories, so this posture is really to gain a sense of perspective. This will increase your understanding of yourself and your partner as you take pause to really understand what you are personally going through and what your partner is experiencing.

Empathy differs from understanding in that you are showing your concern and connection to a person in the midst of their experience. You can do this with yourself by giving yourself compassion for an experience you have instead of condemnation and criticism. This is an important skill to practice because it helps you feel grounded and safe in the middle of an experience. It also helps you not project your own insecurities onto your partner. Showing empathy to your partner is a courageous act of validating your relationship and your connection to them while being with them. It is showing compassion for the emotions they are experiencing, not by trying to fix it, but being present and non-judgmental or critical in your presence. This connecting presence in the midst of communication creates intimacy and builds trust that you can rely on this person to be there for you.

Shared meaning is the sensitivity to plan life with your partner in mind. The way this happens naturally is through a shared joke, or memory, or planning of an event. It is a million tiny moments where you are together in life and showing that you lean toward one another instead of against or away from each other. The Gottman Institute calls these bids for connection. You constantly make small bids for people’s attention, time, and energy. The more you can recognize and respond to such small attempts to connect the more you will build trust, resolve conflict and deepen intimacy with your partner.

Thanks for taking the time to read through these suggested relationship V.A.L.U.E.S. I hope that they ring true for you and that you can build trust, resolve conflict and deepen your intimacy with them. How are you building trust, resolving conflict or deepening your relationships intimacy through these six core values?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

Why you don’t want a conflict free marriage…

Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash

Let’s talk about vulnerability. When you are vulnerable, you share part of yourself with someone. This could be and experience that you had earlier in the day or something that was traumatic, or something that the other person did that you had an emotional reaction to. It is a risky endeavor to be vulnerable.

Why it is important to be vulnerable is because that is one of the best ways to build trust. This presents an issue if you have the mentality that the person you are sharing your life with needs to have the same values and experiences you do. The Gottman Institute, out of Seattle, has done a lot of research on this and shown that compatability or having “sameness” doesn’t actually create connection. It is actually the ability to meet your spouse in their difference with understanding and acceptance that creates connection.

Conflict naturally arises when your values, opinions, and beliefs are different from those of your spouse. This is actually exciting because you have the opportunity to show them that you care and want to understand their experience. When you approach this opportunity with openness and a willingness to listen for understanding, intimacy is actually forged through these differences. That’s right! The connection in the midst of the difference builds intimacy! The good news is that we have these opportunities every day and we will miss some and meet some. You get to decide how you show up for your spouse! If you are a bit like me, you will start looking for ways to connect through the differences and conflict instead of disconnecting. Stay humble and start with listening, extending the invitation for your spouse to be known and loved.

If you want help learning how to do this, please schedule an appointment.