What is Betrayal?

Reading the title of this blog I will assume that many, if not most, of the readers will have some sort of response to the word betrayal.  There are many different kinds of betrayals, which we will explore later on, that can impact romantic relationships as well as any other kind of relationship.  The heart of betrayal is any lie or undermining of trust that is a result of an action and/or lie that breaks the established ‘rules’ of the relationship.  Some have described the feeling that results from betrayal as death by 1,000 cuts.  The rules may be different for every relationship so it is important to explore and discuss them with your partners.  When working with clients I often lead with saying that recovering from a betrayal takes an average of 5 years.  I know this sounds like a really long time, but I have to remind you that at the heart of betrayal is the undermining of trust.  Trust takes time to rebuild.  

There are so many different kinds of betrayal and as I mentioned before betrayal looks different in every relationship based on the rules that have been established.  The most common type that is often talked about in therapy is sexual and/or emotional affairs.  This may look like particpacting in a physical relationship, pornography, prostituiton, going to strip clubs, and flirting (seeking attention/admiration from others by showing an inapporpriate amount of interest that violates relationhisp boundaries).  Every relationship has different boundaries when it comes to any of these listed betrayals.  Some relationships may not see pornography as a betrayal while others view it as a large betrayal.  We must honor our partner's feelings in regard to boundaries even if we don’t agree with them. 

Another common type of betrayal within relationships is the repeated showing of a lack of interest in the relationship.  In other words, not choosing your partner to be important to you; they are at the bottom of the priority list.  This can at times be unintentionally communicated.  An example of this can look like someone who is a workaholic.  By constantly working long and at times unreasonable hours they are communicating that their work is the most important thing to them even if they don’t mean to do so.  This looks different than going through periods where an individual works different hours such as CPAs during tax season.  Hobbies are also something that can impact a relationship if it is constantly pulling an individual away from their relationship.  I don’t say this because I think hobbies are bad, in fact I think they are incredibly important!  There just needs to be a healthy balance and open communication about how the person who feels betrayed is perceiving the impact it is having on the relationship.  

Now let's explore some of the consequences of betrayal.  The most common one is the mistrust in your partner and even within yourself.  Shock and bewilderment, deep wounds that may lead to the ending of your relationship, and loss of identity in either partner are also consequences.  The betrayer may lose the concept of themselves when they find themselves participating in an action that seems contradictory to how they view themselves and the individual who feels betrayed may lose their sense of self when their world is proven to be different then how they originally viewed it.  Anxiety and depression may be introduced and the inability to move on or forward as well.  This is just a brief look at the consequences and we will explore them more in the next few discussions.  

This post is just a brief overview of betrayal, what it looks like, and what the consequences are. As we move forward through the next few weeks we will get a deeper look into how it can impact relationships and be rectified. There are many books and podcasts on the topic which you can find in the show notes of the Resilient Relationship Podcast.