Will God be Mad at Me if I Go to Counseling?

Sally had been raised to believe that she could only trust her parents and church and that reaching out to outsiders could lead her into sin.  It was as if God was waiting for one misstep from her to disqualify her from the faith.  However, the Bible says that love keeps no records of wrongs and that God is love.  So, when Sally wanted to reach out for professional mental health care, she was nervous.  Unfortunately, there is a toxic belief out there in some Christian circles that implies that getting psychological help is not okay with God.  While a human counselor will never be the Ultimate Counselor as Jesus is, and trusting in anything more than trusting in God can be sin, God isn’t likely getting mad if you choose to go to counseling.  In fact, He likely rejoices when you find a professional who is ethical and skilled and can do their job well and show up to serve and help you.  So, if you’ve encountered well-meaning but misinformed people who advise against Christian believers getting counseling, you may want to consider how that advice is actually contrary to God’s character.

5 Reasons Counseling Is Okay With God

God made the brain, the body, and the emotions- He knows how they work and function, and He knows how they heal.  He know the spiritual and the mental, the relational and the internal, the thoughts and the feelings, and Genesis tells us His creation is good.  So, if the study of the mind, ie. Psychology, is the study of how our human brain, nervous system, and experience works, doesn’t it make sense that it works because God designed it and metaphorically wrote the users manual?

This leads to another fundamental reason that I don’t believe God is mad at you for seeking therapeutic help…

All truth is God’s truth- If something is true, we are to think on such things, and every good and perfect gift comes from God above, and God came for us to have life and have it abundantly.  If God designed us, and He gave us the Bible to instruct us on how to live this life best, then, we can trust His words as truth.  If science or psychology has hit upon anything that works, it only works because it is based in the laws of the universe, how humans are designed by Him, and how our systems heal.

So, if something truly works, truly heals, and is true, it is in the fabric of the universe, and created by God Himself, even the study of the brain.

We are made in God’s image, and Jesus is the Mighty Counselor- So, it stands to reason that some human beings would carry the counseling traits of God’s Holy Spirit.  For this reason, it seems reasonable to conclude that at least there are some counselors who have been gifted by God himself to comfort and come alongside others.

God’s Word says that “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” – God made us for community.  We are each members of one body, and each person has gifts to serve and minister to others as equipped from the Lord.  The Bible also tells us that two are better than one, as when one falls, the other can help him up.  

Finally, God’s Word says that there is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” – So, if you need counseling help, God already knows your need.  He is already with you right where you are, and He is not mad at you for getting support and healing.  He likely already has someone perfectly positioned to help you get your mental health care needs met.

Let us be that help from God to you, contact us at: 541-275-0412

Am I Being Religiously or Spiritually Abused?

Religious or spiritual abuse is a topic that is a tricky subject to discuss because the very nature of belonging to a religious community or subscribing to a certain belief structure can sometimes make it challenging to know if a legitimate premise of the overall structure is to be adhered to as a valuable and healthy tenet or if it is something that isn’t right and unhealthy. Since right and wrong are often the guidelines that Spiritual communities serve, it can get confusing as to whether those things that don’t sit with us don’t sit with us because we are committing some kind of human error or because we are actually picking up on something toxic from the human organization or any corrupt human beings in the organization that is contaminating something otherwise good.   

For instance, in the general Christian belief system, divorce is not something that is endorsed.  So, some women feel they must submit to their husband’s bad treatment of them so that they can do what is supposedly “right” in God’s sight.  The problem with this is that if the religious entity the couple belongs to does not challenge the husband’s poor behaviors and support the wife, they are actually going against God’s design of not enabling sin.  The abuse is that the woman God cares about is being abused by sin and being treated such that an “institution” is more important than the person, which is not at all the Biblical meaning.

Yet, left unchallenged, this can be confusing to people who think that if they just “suck it up” they will be doing what they need to do to be spiritually safe.

Questions You May Have:

-Am I Just Not A Good Enough Follower?  Am I Wrong or Are They?

-Am I Making Too Big a Deal Out of This?

-Am I The Only One Who Feels This Way?

-Would I Have Any Support If I Speak Up or Rock the Boat?  

-Could It Get Worse for Me In Some Way If I Speak Up?

Healthy Spirituality and Institutions Allow You to Disagree

God Himself gives each human being the free will to choose whether they believe in Him and want to submit their lives to His Lordship or not.  It is about relationship and not force or manipulation.  

If religious leaders are not giving you the ability to choose for yourself who you will serve and what you will believe, they are trying to take away a basic right that God Himself has given to you.  So, if that is something you are experiencing, run.

Here are other indicators you may want to look for to determine if you are being religiously or spiritually abused:

Questioning Is Not Allowed

• Forcing or Badgering Into An Action or Inaction Is Taking Place

• Leadership Is Not Open to Their Own Growth and Correction Needs

• Things You Say or Do Are Being Twisted

• Personal Accountability Is For Everyone Else but Not Leadership

• Leadership is Telling You the Way They See It Rather Than What God’s Word Says

Ways You Can Determine If You Are In A Spiritually Abusive Situation

• Pray and Look at What the Bible Says on the Topic

• Seek out and Speak to Someone Outside of the Organization Whom You Respect

• Keep Seeking Clarity Until You are Satisfied You Have The Information You Need To Make A Healthy Decision. 

• Tune Into Your Body.  Is your stomach constantly in knots around someone in spite of you trying to believe the best in them and give them the benefit of the doubt?  Do you wake with nightmares or feel ashamed and embarrassed for speaking up?  Take these as potential clues that something isn’t quite right.

Healthy people are willing to have a two way discussion where differences of opinion and questions can be tolerated.  If you need a safe place to unpack what you are experiencing and think it might be spiritual or religious abuse, please reach out to us here: 541-275-0412

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle

How Magical Thinking Destroys Intimacy

Magical thinking is that deceptive blend of imagination and hope that leads a person to believe that they can expect certain actions or events in spite of the lack of factors that in reality can cause the desired effect.

Let’s look at an example of this principle in action in the following anecdote.

Nancy Gets Upset with Her Husband, Bob For Going to a Baseball Game  

Bob came home from work one day and told Nancy that he had gotten a ticket to go to a professional baseball game at the local stadium the following week as a perk of his job and would like to go.  He, then, asked Nancy if she’d mind it if he went.  

Nancy, then, said, “No, go if you want to go.”  

Bob said, “Okay, I’d like that.”  So, Bob went to the game.

On the day of the game, Nancy moped around the house, gave abrupt answers to Bob, and snarled at the kids.  That evening, while Bob was at the game, Nancy broke down in tears and called her friend.

“Why are you so upset,” her friend asked.

“Because, Bob went to the baseball game tonight.”

“Why didn’t he stay home or have you go with him?”  The friend asked.

“Well, he asked me if I minded if he’d go,” said Nancy.

“Okay, then why are you upset?” Her friend asked.  

“Because,” said Nancy, “if he really loved me, he would know that when I said I didn’t mind if he went to the ballgame that I really did mind, and he should be able to read my mind and what I really meant.  I really wanted him to stay home with me, but I didn’t want to tell him that.  He should have known what I really wanted.” 

Mixed Signals

Nancy told Bob one thing and meant another.  She then expected him to read her mind.  She also got mad at Bob when he did nothing wrong but try to communicate with her.  

Nancy was using magical thinking when she expected Bob to read her mind, if he loved her enough.

She was not only implying that Bob had some sort of super mindreading power but was also imposing her judgment on whether his love was enough.  Nancy put both herself and Bob into a rough spot with her magical thinking.  This resulted in her being upset, and it probably didn’t go too well for Bob when he got home.  The was likely very surprised to come home to a mad and sad wife for no reason that he could clearly understand.

Intimacy Requires Trust, Honesty, and Vulnerability

Intimacy requires trust, honesty, and vulnerability.  Magical thinking, which expects results and outcomes which are different from the initial input that results in the outcome erodes all of these ingredients in good, healthy communication between people.

In the case of Nancy and Bob, Nancy’s magical thinking not only made her miserable, but it also left Bob at a disadvantage.  He thought he was acting in line with what his wife wanted only to be left with displeasing her through no fault of his own.

Nancy could have saved them both a lot of trouble if she had been honest, vulnerable, and ultimately trustworthy and simply said something like, “I would rather you stay home because I’ll miss you, but if you want to go, it just means you like baseball and not that you don’t want to be with me, right?”

Bob would then have been able to make a choice based on her honest input, and he would have had the opportunity to reaffirm that he loves her.  These actions would have built intimacy between the two and not torn it apart nor hurt each other.

Be like Bob, not like Nancy.

If you could you some help with your relational communication, please contact us: 541-275-0412

Trauma Basics Part Two

What is Big T Trauma, and What is Little t Trauma?

Big T Trauma

Trauma is basically the result of anything that causes a deep wound to the mind, the emotions, or the body.  So, when therapists talk about Big T or Little t trauma, they are not describing whether someone is wounded more or less than someone else, but they are describing the way in which the wounding to the mind, emotions, or body occurred and how it affected the nervous system of the person who has been traumatized.

When the United States was attacked by terrorists on September 11, 2001, Washington D.C., Pennsylvania, and New York City held the locations where planes crashed, but the effects of the shock rippled throughout the world.  It was one day of horror for many as a collective people, but for the family members and friends of those who were killed, it was personal.  For those killed or injured, it was even more personal.  Yet, deep wounding happened to all involved as a result of overwhelming and sudden events.  This is Big T trauma. One-time events with great effects of wounding to those impacted.  The attacks sent peoples’ bodies into fight or flight survival mode and resulted in on-going pain and recovery being needed, but once the plane explosions stopped, the cause of the attack was over.  The fight or flight system might be on high alert and extra-sensitively tuned to watch for indications of danger, but the rhythms of normal life could help the wounding to be contained as a direct result of an isolated day of  threat coming to a close.

Little t Trauma

Little t trauma is more the on-going assaults that happen the mind, emotions, and body in the course of life.  It still is completely devastating and wounding, but it is caused by repetitive, less defined attacks to one’s sense of safety.  Instead of a specific event, like a plane crash, that can be contained to location and date and time, little t trauma can be every bit as present but not as easy to classify as to when it started and when it finished.  

For example, a child may have a clean bedroom, clean clothes, sufficient food for adequate nutrition, and a caring mother, but if the child’s father comes home drunk and raging on a regular basis over time, this can cause trauma.  Even though a father is merely coming home to his family, the out-of-control, not knowing what to expect, wondering if yelling or hitting still can have as much catastrophic damage as a one-time event, but may even hold more wounding because it cannot be contained to one event where it all occurred.  It kept the body in fight or flight survival mode constantly over years.  This type of wounding can make it for one’s system to identify whether it can begin to heal or needs to remain stuck in watchfulness for potential threats.

Combinations

There can, of course, be big T traumas mixed in with little t traumas, and little t traumas that result from bit T traumas.  

The Point of Classification 

The point of classifying trauma as Big T or Little t is not to indicate level of pain, but to allow therapists and clients to understand the complexities of how bodies’ nervous systems are impacted and how to best design treatment care so that they can heal.

Each person’s trauma is a significant wounding, but the way each person experiences the effects and the way the plan of care takes shape are informed by the uniqueness of both the person and they type of wounding.

Contact Us if you feel you could benefit from treatment for your wounding experiences.

Guest blog written by Michelle Croyle

Trauma Basics Part One

Trauma Basics Part 1: How Trauma is Stored Differently In the Body

Trauma comes from Greek origin and means, “wound.” 

When we experience trauma, we are very literally wounded.  Some traumas will actually involve blood, scrapes, or broken bones, but many traumas do not show outwardly at first glance.  

Trauma can be something sudden and a one-time event, a series of catastrophes, or even a number of daily traumas over a period of time, such as in an emotionally abusive childhood.  

Trauma Memories Are Stored Differently Than Non-Traumatic Memories

Trauma memories are stored differently than non-traumatic ones because trauma is not consolidated as a “snapshot” of events that then get a “time and date stamp in the bottom corner.”  Trauma has the potential to stay in the fragmented parts in which it was encoded due to the body’s sympathetic nervous system, also known as the fight or flight response.  

During fight or flight experiences, the body is concerned only with surviving.  So, when the body detects through its various senses that there is potential or actual threat occurring or about to happen, it bypasses the logic area of the brain and goes straight to the amygdala portion which instinctually hijacks the system to do what it believes is best for survival such as jumping out of the way of an oncoming car or screaming frantically and punching at an intruder.  There is no time to waste in decision making, the situation is quite accurately a live or die situation, even if the threat of not surviving is on an emotional level, such as fear of being abandoned or rejected by a caregiver and not being able to fend for oneself.  

The Amygdala Goes Into Action

When the amygdala goes into action, it can be as if time slows down, blood moves away from the digestive system of the body and into the arms and legs, getting the body ready to move quickly into action.  Sometimes, this is enough.  Sometimes, it isn’t.  Oftentimes, the individual parts of the experience are stored not as a snapshot but as a memory of a scent in one area of the brain, a sensitivity to a loud sound in another part, or a feeling of heat, frozenness, or other sensory data in yet other places.

Non-traumatic memories are stored, dated, and forgotten until a person has a need for the information to be recalled.  Traumatic memories are stuck as if the threat is still occurring.  This lacks the time stamp to indicate that the threat is over, and this can result in triggers that remind the person of threat, even if the trigger is not connected to an actual threat.  For example, if a person is shot at as a soldier, they might feel panic when they hear a car backfire.  The nervous system doesn’t want to take any chances when survival is perceived to be at stake.

The Body Needs To Know The Threat to Survival Is Over

This is why therapy may be necessary to help the nervous system to realize that the threat is over and that survival is already a reality.  It no longer has to be secured at this time, so the nervous system can relax and switch to the parasympathetic nervous system, which is also known as the rest and digest system where typical blood flow and relaxed muscle tone, laughter, connection, humor, and friendships can grow.  No one has time for those things if a bear is about to attack.  But when there is no bear, having the body ready to fight a threat at a split second’s notice is exhausting.

If you need help to process your traumatic body memories, please contact us. We’d be honored to help you heal and not just know but feel that the threat to survival is over, and you survived.

Guest blog written by Michelle Croyle

Is Porn Harmful?

Porn is harmful, but an even better question is, “Why is it harmful?”  

Consider the following scenario that plays out in homes every day.  Husband stays up late scrolling on his phone while wife is asleep, notices something that gets his attention and clicks.  Before he knows it, he’s doing it the next night, then during lunch break the next day.  Finally, he is so caught up in this addictive behavior because of the feel good chemicals that it brings to his system.  He’s hooked.

Porn is Harmful Because It Takes Away Your Power To Stop It Easily

The brain then gets wired in such a way to want more and more of the “hit.”  Over time, the erotic Hollywood version of sex, including it’s unwholesome and degrading acts does two things: 

It builds an unrealistic and quite pretend experience in the individual.  The porn user is connecting with a mirage rather than a real, live, human person.  This leads to unrealistic expectations of the type of mutual enjoyment that a connection with another human, especially a spouse is supposed to have, and it hinders true connection with the intricacies of human relationships and the necessities of being truly known in truth, respect, care, selflessness, patience, kindness, self-control.  It basically just robs both the viewer and their spouse of what’s rightfully theirs and the true connection they can have together in real life.

Porn Leads to Unrealistic Expectations and Hinders True Intimacy

Also, because porn wires your brain in such a way that you need more and more of it to turn you on, it makes you seek out further arousal, upping the ante over time because of the hijacking of your brain chemicals and makes it easier for you to consume images you may have even found repulsive at an earlier time.  That’s no way to go into a real-life relationship.

Porn also objectifies the body, making images of it to be used rather than respected as creations of God.  This just will never go anywhere good.

Porn Erodes Trust

Lastly, porn erodes trust.  When a commitment is made to another human being, there are certain expectations of exclusivity, the idea that this special area of life and action is going to be viewed and shared alone in that union.  

When a partner of a porn watcher finds out, they may feel like they’ve been lied to, like they are not comparable, good enough, or preferred, and insecure as to what they mean to the other.  Porn takes away a spouse’s sense of trust and safety. 

It is often hidden and therefore, when found out or confessed, it leads one’s spouse to wonder what else may have been betrayed, lied about, or fake.

Porn Fuels Exploitation

Lastly, the porn industry is a money-making machine that is often has connections with sex trafficking and the use and abuse of the people involved.

There is nothing about porn that leads to positive results.  It leads to isolation, disrespect, and harmful behaviors because it is based in self satisfaction rather than caring about the needs of others.

If you could use some help working through porn addiction or in building more intimacy in your relationship, reach out to us: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

What Daily Dialogue Can Do For You!

For those of you who have been following this blog you may notice that we talk about daily dialogue constantly, but bear with me!  I write about it so often because it is important.  When we are in conflict with and are committed to working on the relationship all we can talk about at times is said conflict.  While it is important to talk about our struggles with our partners, sometimes we get stuck in a pain cycle.  This means that we are still focused on our pain, which is valid, but when that is all we can think or talk about, we get stuck in a cycle that can be really hard to escape if we don’t take the time to process through our own pain.  Daily dialogue may not help process your pain (individual therapy is a great place to start), but it can help begin the process of rebuilding trust through communication.  Find time to talk about the day's events or pieces of your relationship.  What is a priority for you?  How are you and your partner fighting for those changes?

The first step is to find time during your day to talk that works best for you.  You are busy people!  This may take some trial and error, but it is worth it.  Some couples that I know of talk at the end of their day, which may seem logical to you, but for other couples the evening is their busiest time of the day!  One couple I know actually called each other during their lunch break at work.  They recognized that it was the one time during the day when their attention wasn’t being pulled in different directions.  In person is ideal, but not a requirement!  For those of you reading this that have kids at home, carving out time of your day just for each other can be even more difficult.  Kids need a lot of care and can be distracting in their demand for our attention.  I say this in the most loving way possible!  But for those parents out there I’m sure you would agree.   

It is important for children to see you and your partner working on your relationship.  Every relationship has struggles, by taking time to sit down and talk to one another, you are modeling healthy behavior to your children!  A lot of parents don’t want their children to see them fight as a way of protecting them.  Parents do this with every good intention, I don’t say this to say you are wrong.  When you and your partner are able to talk to one another and show that even if you are currently struggling, you still love each other and are making the effort to work through your struggles, as mentioned before you are teaching them healthy behavior.  They will carry those skills into their own relationships in the future. 

It is also important to work on your relationship while your children are still in your home because once they grow up and leave it is just you and your partner again.  When you become a parent your world often becomes centered around your children.  This is only natural!  It is also important to remember who you are as an individual and who you are within your relationship with your partner.  What often happens when the children leave the home is that parents have to relearn who they are as individuals.  When you make the decision to work on your relationship you can also ask yourself the question of what do you want your relationship to look like when your kids are gone.  What we don’t want is for your kids to be gone and realize your partner is just a familiar person you do life with. This can be lonely!

The overall goal of daily dialogue is to establish communication about circumstances.  Now circumstances can mean any aspect of your life, it does not have to be about the current conflict.  The way to establish effective communication is through active listening.  Active listening is done when we listen for the meaning in what our partner is saying, not listening to respond.  This is not the time to give feedback, fix (solve a problem), or to be right or wrong.  It is important to reflect back what you are hearing.  Try not to say “I understand”, this can often be taken as antagonistic, even when that is not the intention.  Instead of saying “I understand”, reflect back the feelings you heard and summarize what they said.  Imagine your partner just told you about having a really bad day at work.  Try responding with “I’m hearing you say Jim at work hurt your feelings, that sounds really frustrating, is that what I’m hearing.”  This reflects and summarizes by being able to state the facts, but also reflect what they may be feeling.  

If you are having a difficult time even talking to your partner right now, that’s okay, start small! Try starting with talking about one good thing and one bad (or difficult thing) that happened to you throughout the day.  This can be helpful because it is usually circumstantial and not relationship focused.  This can take some of the tension off of the conversation.  Maybe you even agree beforehand to not discuss your relationship during your scheduled daily conversation.  Once you are able to start to trust one another again with your feelings, you can start working your way up to the bigger conversations later one!  Stephen Covey said, “If you want to be understood, seek to understand.”  We must first learn to listen to one another and gain understanding. 

How to Move Forward After Betrayal

In our last post we explored what betrayal is, different types and the consequences that come with it.  As promised, this week we explore how to begin the process of moving forward.  There is no right or wrong way to begin moving forward due to the fact that everyone defines what betrayal is differently and experiences it differently.  When someone first becomes aware of betrayal the sense of bewilderment is not uncommon.  This can be overwhelming as they also start to question their reality.  What is true; what has been true; has anything been true; can I trust any of our experiences together?  Once all of these thoughts have thoroughly overwhelmed you and you have had a chance to process your feelings, the next question is often “What now?”

So, where do we go from here?  The first and most important step if you want to repair your relationship through a trauma is to completely stop the betrayal/unfaithfulness for any kind of reconciliation to occur.  As we explored last time betrayal can occur in many different ways and for many different reasons.  One reason being that there is a lack of boundaries, on both ends of the partnership.  There is of course the obvious lack of boundaries on the side where a partner crosses the agreed upon rules of the relationship, but the less obvious lack of boundaries is on the side of the partner who was hurt.  An example of this may be that they were unable to express what their needs were within the relationship, thus not setting boundaries.  This was not said to place blame on one partner over the other!  Next week we will explore personal responsibility in regard to betrayal, but let’s get back on track for now.

If the first step is to end any kind of current betrayal, the second most important is participating in active listening.  The goal of communication is to understand each other.  Where is the other person at right now, where are they coming from, what’s going on currently?  These are just a few sample questions to ask yourself as you are listening to your partner.  One way to remember the goal of active listening is the phrase, learn each other's why.   It is also important to accept that each party will need to process their experiences and feelings and this may come out as venting.  We have to be okay with this without getting wrapped up in our own pain and defensiveness.  This is where a third party can be helpful if the venting becomes destructive and blaming.  A third party can look like participating in therapy or even with a friend, though a friend may not be as objective.  

The difference between defensiveness and assertiveness is the amount of doing things that are easy vs. doing things that are hard.  Defensiveness is the easy route because feeling contempt and anger are close to the surface when we feel betrayed, but it just compounds the issue and can make the other person feel defensive as well.  Assertiveness is hard and can lead to vulnerability.  When we are assertive we own up to our own experiences and are able to express what is going on for you without making it all about the other person (blaming).  By being vulnerable and assertive we can also reach out with understanding.  This is not the same as agreeing.  I doubt many individuals who have felt betrayed agree with their partner’s actions, but they can reach out with understanding as they listen to their partner's experiences as well as their own.  

Here is a quick overview of an outline towards recovery.  The first step is to accept what happened and taking it one day at a time.  When we step out of denial we can begin the long road of recovery.  We must then give both ourselves and our partners grace.  This means that we realize we will both falter in the process of reconciliation and make mistakes.  We have to give ourselves grace to experience all of our feelings and process our experiences.  Next, keep the channels of communication open! Talk to your partner about how you are feeling and allow them to as well.  The communication channel can even look like simple daily dialogue.  Next is to establish boundaries.  Tell your partner what your needs are and explore theirs as well.  Finally, seek out help.  Go see a counselor!  This may look like individual and/or couples counseling.  If you choose this route give it time.  Just physically going into the office does not solve the problem, it takes personal investment and time.  Remember from our previous post that recovery from a betrayal can take an average of five years.   If you and your partner do decide to end your relationship, counseling can still be extremely helpful.  There are still wounds that need to be healed and if you decide to enter into a future relationship, you won’t be carrying as much of the pain and hurt.  

It is not weak to get help.  In fact, it carries an incredible amount of strength due to the very nature of vulnerability that is needed. 

What is Betrayal?

Reading the title of this blog I will assume that many, if not most, of the readers will have some sort of response to the word betrayal.  There are many different kinds of betrayals, which we will explore later on, that can impact romantic relationships as well as any other kind of relationship.  The heart of betrayal is any lie or undermining of trust that is a result of an action and/or lie that breaks the established ‘rules’ of the relationship.  Some have described the feeling that results from betrayal as death by 1,000 cuts.  The rules may be different for every relationship so it is important to explore and discuss them with your partners.  When working with clients I often lead with saying that recovering from a betrayal takes an average of 5 years.  I know this sounds like a really long time, but I have to remind you that at the heart of betrayal is the undermining of trust.  Trust takes time to rebuild.  

There are so many different kinds of betrayal and as I mentioned before betrayal looks different in every relationship based on the rules that have been established.  The most common type that is often talked about in therapy is sexual and/or emotional affairs.  This may look like particpacting in a physical relationship, pornography, prostituiton, going to strip clubs, and flirting (seeking attention/admiration from others by showing an inapporpriate amount of interest that violates relationhisp boundaries).  Every relationship has different boundaries when it comes to any of these listed betrayals.  Some relationships may not see pornography as a betrayal while others view it as a large betrayal.  We must honor our partner's feelings in regard to boundaries even if we don’t agree with them. 

Another common type of betrayal within relationships is the repeated showing of a lack of interest in the relationship.  In other words, not choosing your partner to be important to you; they are at the bottom of the priority list.  This can at times be unintentionally communicated.  An example of this can look like someone who is a workaholic.  By constantly working long and at times unreasonable hours they are communicating that their work is the most important thing to them even if they don’t mean to do so.  This looks different than going through periods where an individual works different hours such as CPAs during tax season.  Hobbies are also something that can impact a relationship if it is constantly pulling an individual away from their relationship.  I don’t say this because I think hobbies are bad, in fact I think they are incredibly important!  There just needs to be a healthy balance and open communication about how the person who feels betrayed is perceiving the impact it is having on the relationship.  

Now let's explore some of the consequences of betrayal.  The most common one is the mistrust in your partner and even within yourself.  Shock and bewilderment, deep wounds that may lead to the ending of your relationship, and loss of identity in either partner are also consequences.  The betrayer may lose the concept of themselves when they find themselves participating in an action that seems contradictory to how they view themselves and the individual who feels betrayed may lose their sense of self when their world is proven to be different then how they originally viewed it.  Anxiety and depression may be introduced and the inability to move on or forward as well.  This is just a brief look at the consequences and we will explore them more in the next few discussions.  

This post is just a brief overview of betrayal, what it looks like, and what the consequences are. As we move forward through the next few weeks we will get a deeper look into how it can impact relationships and be rectified. There are many books and podcasts on the topic which you can find in the show notes of the Resilient Relationship Podcast.