How to Move Forward After Betrayal

In our last post we explored what betrayal is, different types and the consequences that come with it.  As promised, this week we explore how to begin the process of moving forward.  There is no right or wrong way to begin moving forward due to the fact that everyone defines what betrayal is differently and experiences it differently.  When someone first becomes aware of betrayal the sense of bewilderment is not uncommon.  This can be overwhelming as they also start to question their reality.  What is true; what has been true; has anything been true; can I trust any of our experiences together?  Once all of these thoughts have thoroughly overwhelmed you and you have had a chance to process your feelings, the next question is often “What now?”

So, where do we go from here?  The first and most important step if you want to repair your relationship through a trauma is to completely stop the betrayal/unfaithfulness for any kind of reconciliation to occur.  As we explored last time betrayal can occur in many different ways and for many different reasons.  One reason being that there is a lack of boundaries, on both ends of the partnership.  There is of course the obvious lack of boundaries on the side where a partner crosses the agreed upon rules of the relationship, but the less obvious lack of boundaries is on the side of the partner who was hurt.  An example of this may be that they were unable to express what their needs were within the relationship, thus not setting boundaries.  This was not said to place blame on one partner over the other!  Next week we will explore personal responsibility in regard to betrayal, but let’s get back on track for now.

If the first step is to end any kind of current betrayal, the second most important is participating in active listening.  The goal of communication is to understand each other.  Where is the other person at right now, where are they coming from, what’s going on currently?  These are just a few sample questions to ask yourself as you are listening to your partner.  One way to remember the goal of active listening is the phrase, learn each other's why.   It is also important to accept that each party will need to process their experiences and feelings and this may come out as venting.  We have to be okay with this without getting wrapped up in our own pain and defensiveness.  This is where a third party can be helpful if the venting becomes destructive and blaming.  A third party can look like participating in therapy or even with a friend, though a friend may not be as objective.  

The difference between defensiveness and assertiveness is the amount of doing things that are easy vs. doing things that are hard.  Defensiveness is the easy route because feeling contempt and anger are close to the surface when we feel betrayed, but it just compounds the issue and can make the other person feel defensive as well.  Assertiveness is hard and can lead to vulnerability.  When we are assertive we own up to our own experiences and are able to express what is going on for you without making it all about the other person (blaming).  By being vulnerable and assertive we can also reach out with understanding.  This is not the same as agreeing.  I doubt many individuals who have felt betrayed agree with their partner’s actions, but they can reach out with understanding as they listen to their partner's experiences as well as their own.  

Here is a quick overview of an outline towards recovery.  The first step is to accept what happened and taking it one day at a time.  When we step out of denial we can begin the long road of recovery.  We must then give both ourselves and our partners grace.  This means that we realize we will both falter in the process of reconciliation and make mistakes.  We have to give ourselves grace to experience all of our feelings and process our experiences.  Next, keep the channels of communication open! Talk to your partner about how you are feeling and allow them to as well.  The communication channel can even look like simple daily dialogue.  Next is to establish boundaries.  Tell your partner what your needs are and explore theirs as well.  Finally, seek out help.  Go see a counselor!  This may look like individual and/or couples counseling.  If you choose this route give it time.  Just physically going into the office does not solve the problem, it takes personal investment and time.  Remember from our previous post that recovery from a betrayal can take an average of five years.   If you and your partner do decide to end your relationship, counseling can still be extremely helpful.  There are still wounds that need to be healed and if you decide to enter into a future relationship, you won’t be carrying as much of the pain and hurt.  

It is not weak to get help.  In fact, it carries an incredible amount of strength due to the very nature of vulnerability that is needed.