How Your Relationship Today Began Before You Met
If you were to pattern your romantic relationship after what you see in a Hallmark Christmas movie, you might think that the scenario goes like this: girl and guy get together, another guy enters the picture, girl falls for other guy while first guy goes back to the city for work and she stays in her hometown for the holidays, girl falls in love with the second guy but that romance gets interrupted when the first guy comes back to town unexpectedly, the girl has to break it to the first guy that she’s no longer wanting to be with him, and the girl and the second guy get back together, kiss, and the credits roll.
Like a Hallmark movie, the relationship you see at the end has a build up to it. There are many factors that play into the end result and the quality of that final relationship. While not scripted, you might be surprised to know that your adult relationship is impacted by factors of attachment that happened in each person’s childhoods.
Secure Attachment- When individuals have a secure attachment in childhood, their later adult relationships are generally equipped to be smoother than those of other attachment styles. Two securely attached adults can feel safe, secure, and stable both within themselves as individuals as well as in their closest relationships. Healthy expressions of needs, wants, and feelings are all possible strengths that can help build mutual connection and understanding between those in the relationship.
Trust is easier to build, and the ability to face and negotiate stressors and conflict does not necessarily cause excessive drama as other attachment styles might.
Securely attached individuals likely had at least one primary caregiver who was present and effective in providing for their physical, emotional, and soothing needs in early life, which helped their nervous systems to be able to relax and bond in safety and connection.
Ambivalent/Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment- This type of attachment in early childhood to the primary caregiver leaves individuals uncertain, low in self-esteem, anxious, and fearful that they will not be wanted by others. This may present in adult relationships as being desperate to cling to attachments and uncertain of the stability in the relationship. Difficulties might arise when a typical boundary or time apart leads to a sense of panic, fear, or anger toward the other, a need for reassurance that things are fine with the security of the relationship, and plenty of attention from the other even if nothing has changed or gone wrong. Guilting, jealous, manipulation, and controlling behaviors may play a part if not intentionally prevented.
This style of attachment likely came about because of an early caregiver who was only partially dependable and attuned to the needs of the child. Inconsistency and unpredictability as to when needs would be sufficiently met and when they wouldn’t causes this style.
Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment-Those with this attachment style are cautious of depending too much on closeness and intimacy with others, feeling safest when they do not rely on others nor be relied upon by others. Emotional intimacy is difficult for those with this attachment style and likely uncomfortable. This can cause difficulty in romantic relationships. Needing intimacy feels like a threat to people with this attachment style.
The primary caregiver in this scenario was likely predictably unavailable to the child.
Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment-Those affected by this attachment style experience fear that they do not deserve intimacy in relationship, with a sense that the world is scary and not safe. This can lead to swings between valuing relationships and devaluing them, leading to dramatic patterns of extremes in behavior. Unfortunately, this attachment style may lead to difficulty taking responsibility for oneself and one’s actions and extreme fear of being hurt again.
The relationship with the primary caregiver was likely traumatic for this child, unpredictable, and a cause of fear.
While your attachment style does not doom you to difficulty in your romantic relationships in adulthood, it may make them easier or more difficult depending on the attachment needs and wounds that are hit upon in each member of the couple.
The important thing is to learn about your particular triggers and pain points so that you can get help to learn new skills that can better regulate your nervous system to connect in healthy ways, no matter the point from which you started.
Help is available in therapy, so if you need help to overcome attachment wounds, please reach out for help: 541-275-0412
Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle