How Can We Move From Blame to Accountability?

Over the last several posts we have explored what passivity means and how it impacts our relationship with ourselves and others.  This week we will take a deeper look into blame and accountability.  You may be thinking that we talk about accountability a lot, so why again?  We talk about it in some way almost every week because it is an integral part of creating resiliency in both ourselves and our relationships.  It is easy to use blame when we feel hurt, embarrassed, or feel like we don’t have control.  When we blame ourselves or others for a situation it creates a cycle of victim mentality (take a look at the last blog post if you want more information on the hero vs. victim mentality).  

In Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, she spends the first part of the book exploring the difference between power over and mutual power.  When a partner is controlling or verbally abusive, they are often doing so out of their own insecurities and feel the need to control those around them to gain the control they feel they are lacking elsewhere in their lives.  We explored the fear triangle last week (prosecutor, rescuer, and victim identities).  The rescuer and the prosecutor both tend to try to gain control in different ways when they feel insecure or lacking control, often in the form of control over, while the victim tends to be more passive and view their situation as helpless.  

Mutual power is the goal; being on the same page and talking to each other side by side, not over each other.  Our goal is to understand each other so that each partner can be the best they can be for the relationship.  What prevents mutual power is often that fact that we are asleep to the roles we play within a pattern.  In the moment, we don’t always recognize how we are acting.  We need to empower awareness within ourselves.  To do this, it is important to take time to think about the patterns that are occurring and think about how we feel after we leave an interaction.  Once we have done that we can choose to move forward. 

Everyone can choose to change, but it takes a commitment to the process that goes deeper than just a decision.  We need to learn how to speak in a way that our partner is able to receive it.  This takes some playing around with because we all receive information differently so try not to get disheartened when communication patterns don’t change right away.  In situations where feelings are involved, sometimes saying less is better.  Saying “I feel hurt” can be eye opening because they may not even be aware they were acting in a way that could be hurtful.  It can be beneficial to say less in this case instead of laying out all of the reasons you were hurt as that can sound accusatory or aggressive to those who are listening.  

Another issue we run into with receiving information is the way that we process that information.  Let's use the example of  introverts and extroverts.  Introverts generally do most of their processing internally while extroverts tend to process externally.  When partners process in opposite ways it can be difficult; an extrovert may want to be a part of the introvert's process, while the introvert may assume that the extrovert has come to their final conclusion based on what they are saying out loud even if that is not true.  It may be beneficial to journal about what is going on inside to try to work through all of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.  For those who may not like to journal, try recording your verbal processing.  You can listen back to what you said and see if there is something that makes sense to you!

If there is one thing that you take away from this I hope that it is to just be honest with what is going on for you.  Our society appears to treasure accountability but it usually comes across as transparency.  Transparency is not the same thing as accountability though.  It is just sharing what is going on, not actually taking ownership for your actions.  When we take accountability we are saying that I am willing to do things differently in the future.  Being honest about our feelings and taking accountability for our reactions can be so refreshing! 

Choose to see Opportunity over Offense!

One of the biggest myths that is ingrained in society today is that conflict is bad… that conflict is actually something to be avoided at all costs.

Think about the impact of this for a second… The implications of this are epic in your significant relationships. Any difference of opinion, values, beliefs are not only off the table for discussion, they become a personal attack. An offense for simply being different than you are. When it is put this way, it seems very illogical and ridiculous. However, the unfortunate truth of the matter is that you will succumb to this thinking if you do not take action now! Choosing to have an open mind and acceptance of your partner in the midst of conflict is the birthplace of intimacy.

Your relationship’s success depends on your choice to see that your partner expressing him or herself is an opportunity instead of a personal attack because it is different than you or your [unhealthy] expectation of them. Let that sink in for a minute. You choose to see opportunity or offense. You are only responsible for yourself and your actions within a relationship. You cannot control their emotions or their thoughts. And any attempt to try to control them is typically considered manipulation.

Earlier we talked about being open minded and accepting; which are both characteristics of being vulnerable. This skill of seeking openness to your partner’s perspective is one of the 6 that is necessary for developing connection and deep intimacy in your relationship. Another skill that is important to develop is personal accountability. When you can take responsibility for your actions and the feelings they have caused, you are primed for a deeper connection. This personal responsibility is the key to a sincere apology and repairing the hurt you've caused by taking personal offense in the middle of conflict.

These two skills, vulnerable and accountable are a healthy start to growing in the six relationship principles to develop healthy communication and a cycle of relationship building during conflict. It is normal for these skills to take effort and time. You will not be perfect and neither will your partner. Let difference and conflict turn into an opportunity to grow closer to your partner.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

A Framework for Relationship Success

When thinking through the 3 C’s of communication (borrowed from www.securemarriage.com) it is important to understand what moves us from the conflict cycle of communication to the connection cycle of communication. As we have outlined a basic understanding of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in the last post, you now have a simple understanding of what gets us into the conflict cycle. I’ve thought about what gets us out of the conflict cycle to create connecting communication and have come up with six core relationship values.

The VALUES make up an acronym: Vulnerable, Accountable, Learning, Understanding, Empathy, Shared meaning. These six values are practiced to bring you into the connecting communication where it is possible to build trust, resolve conflict and deepen your intimacy. Let’s briefly break them down as to how they work in the context of a relationship.

Vulnerability is the amount of openness and receptiveness you have in your relationship. In most aspects of life there requires some level of vulnerability or risk. The reason for this is that we require relationships to function in the day-to-day activities for survival. Where there is a relationship, regardless of depth, there is vulnerability. Bringing this back to connecting communication… to build trust, resolve conflict, or deepen intimacy you are required to share about yourself; your opinions, values, ways of doing things. So when you do this you make yourself vulnerable to someone’s evaluation or acceptance of these things. It is requires openness to be known and loved. It requires receptiveness to someone else to know and love.

Accountability is a posture of being proactive, intentional, and responsible. In any relationship there are commitments you make as a function of building trust and establishing reliability. You agree to be intentional with how you consider your partner in your actions. There is responsibility to how you act towards your partner when you are in conflict or in peace. You are accountable to have integrity in who you are in and out of the relationship. Integrity is a way of being regardless of circumstance or emotion.

Learning is established by curiosity for yourself and for your partner. Often when you find conflict in your relationship is because you have forgotten to see your partner as a person to be loved and they become a problem to be fixed. This happens around differing opinions, values and experiences without the sense that your partner's just as important and valid as you. Getting a mindset of curiosity about your partner opens up with vulnerability the acceptance and influence of their perspective. Also you might be focusing on your partner or their actions or the busyness of life and you miss the opportunity to be curious about yourself and how you are growing and changing and developing. Curiosity about yourself and your partner enables acceptance and intimacy in your relationship.

Understanding is the posture of positive regard in trying to see yourself and your partner for who you are and why you do what you do. It is the knowledge of experiences that is either shared or personal. A reflection to wrap your head around what you and your partner might be experiencing. You will get into conflict by assuming you know what someone’s experience is without actually taking the time to talk to them and this leaves your partner feeling judged and misunderstood. Your brain naturally fills in gaps of stories, so this posture is really to gain a sense of perspective. This will increase your understanding of yourself and your partner as you take pause to really understand what you are personally going through and what your partner is experiencing.

Empathy differs from understanding in that you are showing your concern and connection to a person in the midst of their experience. You can do this with yourself by giving yourself compassion for an experience you have instead of condemnation and criticism. This is an important skill to practice because it helps you feel grounded and safe in the middle of an experience. It also helps you not project your own insecurities onto your partner. Showing empathy to your partner is a courageous act of validating your relationship and your connection to them while being with them. It is showing compassion for the emotions they are experiencing, not by trying to fix it, but being present and non-judgmental or critical in your presence. This connecting presence in the midst of communication creates intimacy and builds trust that you can rely on this person to be there for you.

Shared meaning is the sensitivity to plan life with your partner in mind. The way this happens naturally is through a shared joke, or memory, or planning of an event. It is a million tiny moments where you are together in life and showing that you lean toward one another instead of against or away from each other. The Gottman Institute calls these bids for connection. You constantly make small bids for people’s attention, time, and energy. The more you can recognize and respond to such small attempts to connect the more you will build trust, resolve conflict and deepen intimacy with your partner.

Thanks for taking the time to read through these suggested relationship V.A.L.U.E.S. I hope that they ring true for you and that you can build trust, resolve conflict and deepen your intimacy with them. How are you building trust, resolving conflict or deepening your relationships intimacy through these six core values?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.