How Can We Move From Blame to Accountability?

Over the last several posts we have explored what passivity means and how it impacts our relationship with ourselves and others.  This week we will take a deeper look into blame and accountability.  You may be thinking that we talk about accountability a lot, so why again?  We talk about it in some way almost every week because it is an integral part of creating resiliency in both ourselves and our relationships.  It is easy to use blame when we feel hurt, embarrassed, or feel like we don’t have control.  When we blame ourselves or others for a situation it creates a cycle of victim mentality (take a look at the last blog post if you want more information on the hero vs. victim mentality).  

In Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, she spends the first part of the book exploring the difference between power over and mutual power.  When a partner is controlling or verbally abusive, they are often doing so out of their own insecurities and feel the need to control those around them to gain the control they feel they are lacking elsewhere in their lives.  We explored the fear triangle last week (prosecutor, rescuer, and victim identities).  The rescuer and the prosecutor both tend to try to gain control in different ways when they feel insecure or lacking control, often in the form of control over, while the victim tends to be more passive and view their situation as helpless.  

Mutual power is the goal; being on the same page and talking to each other side by side, not over each other.  Our goal is to understand each other so that each partner can be the best they can be for the relationship.  What prevents mutual power is often that fact that we are asleep to the roles we play within a pattern.  In the moment, we don’t always recognize how we are acting.  We need to empower awareness within ourselves.  To do this, it is important to take time to think about the patterns that are occurring and think about how we feel after we leave an interaction.  Once we have done that we can choose to move forward. 

Everyone can choose to change, but it takes a commitment to the process that goes deeper than just a decision.  We need to learn how to speak in a way that our partner is able to receive it.  This takes some playing around with because we all receive information differently so try not to get disheartened when communication patterns don’t change right away.  In situations where feelings are involved, sometimes saying less is better.  Saying “I feel hurt” can be eye opening because they may not even be aware they were acting in a way that could be hurtful.  It can be beneficial to say less in this case instead of laying out all of the reasons you were hurt as that can sound accusatory or aggressive to those who are listening.  

Another issue we run into with receiving information is the way that we process that information.  Let's use the example of  introverts and extroverts.  Introverts generally do most of their processing internally while extroverts tend to process externally.  When partners process in opposite ways it can be difficult; an extrovert may want to be a part of the introvert's process, while the introvert may assume that the extrovert has come to their final conclusion based on what they are saying out loud even if that is not true.  It may be beneficial to journal about what is going on inside to try to work through all of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.  For those who may not like to journal, try recording your verbal processing.  You can listen back to what you said and see if there is something that makes sense to you!

If there is one thing that you take away from this I hope that it is to just be honest with what is going on for you.  Our society appears to treasure accountability but it usually comes across as transparency.  Transparency is not the same thing as accountability though.  It is just sharing what is going on, not actually taking ownership for your actions.  When we take accountability we are saying that I am willing to do things differently in the future.  Being honest about our feelings and taking accountability for our reactions can be so refreshing! 

Who Do You Want to Be: Victim or Hero?

We play many roles throughout our lives, child, parent, friend, employee, etc.  We can also play a victim or hero at different times in our lives… as well as different times in a single conversation!  Here is an example, we talked about enneagrams a few posts ago so go check that at or do a quick google search to get more information.  The enneagram type 2 individual is called “The Helper.”  You won’t be shocked to hear that a lot of counselors are considered type 2.  One of the negative aspects of this personality is that in their desire to serve or help they can at times do so even when it is unwarranted or unhealthy for them or the recipient.  These individuals genuinely think that they are being a hero and when it doesn’t play out the way that they expected, they can become a victim.  

Now, let's actually explain what a hero and a victim is.  A hero is an individual who is proactive in doing what is right, especially when it is hard.  This individual would also take responsibility for themself regardless of the environment or the circumstance.  On the other hand, a victim is an individual who allows outside circumstances to control them.  When something happens to them they don’t know what to do and feel helpless in the situation.  This is where passivity comes in which will be the topics of the next few discussions.  Passivity is a lack of action.

When it comes to our relationships, we are often at the mercy of the circumstance.  We can choose to react and respond, but we cannot control outside forces.  Having a victim mentality in this case would look like not taking action even when it is possible to.  We can easily fall into these roles over and over due to patterns we create in our relationships.  We often learn when we are young how to react and respond and sometimes this looks like not taking action.  This creates learned helplessness though which teaches that even when we can take action, we don’t.  

This victim mentality can often be seen in the Christian community as well.  It is believed to stem from the idea of servanthood and being subservient.  These ideas are not quite biblical though.  Being in service of others is, but not to the extreme of servanthood.  A verse that people often turn to is Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” when they are trying to make individuals subservient.  What people fail to do is read a few verses later where it says “Husbands, love your wifes, just as Christ Loved the Church and gave himself up for her.”  We are all called to have a strong voice.  It says to give yourself to one another like Christ did for us, nowhere does this say stop being assertive and speaking up about your needs. 

In another podcast called The Shrink Think Podcast, they explore the idea of the Fear Triangle.  The triangle has three perspectives; the rescuer who is a person always trying to go in and help; the prosecutor who forces their way and makes you feel bad about it; and the victim who is focused on the subject of their environment and does not take any action to better their situation.  When we get stuck in the triangle we tend to identify with one dominant type, but can rotate between all three postures.  One is not necessarily ‘better’ than the others, in reality, we want out of the triangle completely.  The rescuer and the prosecutor aspects have an underlying ability to become victims easily.  This is just when there is a true belief that you have no control over yourself and that you can't do anything about your situation.

We all have the capability to play the hero or the victim in every single experience we have.  If you aren’t sure which one you are acting on take a second to sit down and see how your body is feeling.  Are you exhausted?  Feel defeated? Are you still taking action anyway?  If you think you have been leaning towards the victim end, there is no judgement!! Everyone has at some point.  By acknowledging where you are you can then move forward.  Being a hero means that when we come across hardships, we see them as an opportunity to grow and change.  By becoming self-aware you are taking the first step towards becoming a hero.  Everyone has the ability to be a hero, we just have to acknowledge where we are currently!