Earning Forgiveness Is More Than Saying, “I’m Sorry.”
While forgiveness is something anyone can choose to grant to another person at any time, it can be much easier to do when the person who caused the pain apologizes well, but many people don’t know what an effective apology looks like. If you are one of these people who could use some help to understand why simply saying, “Sorry” may not be enough, read on. You just may become a high-quality apologizer.
When Gwen tried to tell her husband that she was hurt by something he did, and he responded, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” Gwen went ballistic. To some that might sound ridiculous, after all, they might reason, he apologized. However, to Gwen, he did no such thing.
She didn’t want him to feel sorry for how she felt. After all, her emotions were understandable given the situation, and while they didn’t feel pleasant to her, her feelings were a natural response in her body to an offense she felt was committed. So, she didn’t think that her husband quite seemed to acknowledge what she needed from him.
Gwen wanted her husband to understand what he did and said that resulted in those feelings and to own up to the pain he had caused her. She wanted him to acknowledge how he hurt her, to state how he intends to fix the wrong, and to own his part as well as his sorrow for how he hurt her. In these ways, Gwen would feel understood, cared about, and find it much easier to feel like forgiving him.
Gwen wanted to forgive him, but she needed more than an “I’m sorry.” She needed ownership, changed action, follow-through, and to truly be understood, with some remorse thrown in for good measure. Her forgiveness would not mean that the offense(s) was okay, but it would release both herself and her husband from bitterness and disconnection that may result if the wound weren’t to be remedied appropriately.
Even though her husband didn’t think that he did anything wrong and knew that he certainly didn’t do anything to hurt her intentionally, his response to her gave her the feeling of being brushed off, as if what he did that she was hurt by didn’t matter enough to him for him to try to understand…as if she didn’t mean enough to him for him to try to understand.
This, of course, is not what her husband was trying to do to her, but while Gwen could choose to forgive him and the actions with the hurt he caused, she didn’t feel like forgiving because she couldn’t tell if he really understood and really cared to make amends.
Gwen’s husband may have felt better to say the words that he’s sorry, but she wanted much more. She wanted closeness, understanding, to be able to trust him with her heart, and emotional intimacy.
While apologies can help with forgiveness, if given insincerely, they can do more harm in a relationship than good. This is why, even if the perceived offender does not believe they have anything to apologize for, the very fact that their loved one feels hurt is something to attend to so as to not inadvertently cause such pain again. Listening attentively, clarifying, expressing intention, and offering amends can go a long way in this sort of circumstance.
When a wrong has actually been committed, owning up to it, not making excuses or minimizing it, expressing a willingness to change or improve in some way, and follow through, as well as saying the actual words of “I’m sorry,” can lead to forgiveness being a much easier undertaking for the offended person.
If you need help with effective communication in your relationship, we’d be happy to help. Please contact us at: 541-275-0412
Written by Michelle Croyle
Working Through Resentment Towards Forgiveness
In the previous post we explored how grace is integral within the healing process. This week we will explore how we have to work through our resentments to get to a point of forgiveness. They are both foundational pieces of healing. To start this process we have to recognize what it is that we are holding on to. Like we talked about previously, we may have to forgive more than once. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a one and done deal, there is no forgiving and forgetting. We must choose to not hold our resentments against our partners. If we focus too much on the details of what happened it makes it difficult to forgive and live in the present moment. We won’t be able to see how they are changing and how they are showing up. “If I forgive them it negates the pain I am feeling.” No! It is actually an active choice to not let fear hold you in this place of resentment and bitterness.
We prefer things that are familiar and after we experience a betrayal resentment and pain are extremely familiar. Grace and forgiveness is not something familiar, in reality it is scary. Before we can forgive we may have to grieve what occurred. We often go through the 5 stages of grief; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, depression and despair, and adjustment and acceptance. This is not as simple as moving from stage to stage, you may go through each stage multiple times and in no particular order. Once you have completed this process though you can begin to let go. This can feel like freedom. You are you unburdening yourself as you release the feelings and the weight that comes with them. Your partner can’t heal you or heal the relationship alone, you have a role in the healing process as well and must do your own work.
It is important to also bring God back into your relationship. Pray together and look for ways to reconcile the relationship. The emotional cycle never closes. Both parties are forever changed and scarred by a betrayal. The book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst is a great exploration of this process. Forgiveness is our way of not letting the past control us. Be honest with yourself and your partner when you are having feelings of resentment. It can be helpful to say “I just want to let you know that I am feeling this way; we are okay, I just might need to take some time to myself today to think about how I am feeling.”
The previous statement is one way to keep daily dialogue open between both partners. We have discussed daily dialogue many times, but it is because it is that important. It is a way to stay connected even when you don’t feel capable of having deep conversations. Plan something fun to do together. Go on a date! Don’t talk about the heavy stuff for a little bit. You don’t even have to talk or if you do it is okay to be “shallow” with your conversation. By doing this you and your partner can start to rebuild your sense of intimacy and get comfortable just being together again.