How Magical Thinking Destroys Intimacy

Magical thinking is that deceptive blend of imagination and hope that leads a person to believe that they can expect certain actions or events in spite of the lack of factors that in reality can cause the desired effect.

Let’s look at an example of this principle in action in the following anecdote.

Nancy Gets Upset with Her Husband, Bob For Going to a Baseball Game  

Bob came home from work one day and told Nancy that he had gotten a ticket to go to a professional baseball game at the local stadium the following week as a perk of his job and would like to go.  He, then, asked Nancy if she’d mind it if he went.  

Nancy, then, said, “No, go if you want to go.”  

Bob said, “Okay, I’d like that.”  So, Bob went to the game.

On the day of the game, Nancy moped around the house, gave abrupt answers to Bob, and snarled at the kids.  That evening, while Bob was at the game, Nancy broke down in tears and called her friend.

“Why are you so upset,” her friend asked.

“Because, Bob went to the baseball game tonight.”

“Why didn’t he stay home or have you go with him?”  The friend asked.

“Well, he asked me if I minded if he’d go,” said Nancy.

“Okay, then why are you upset?” Her friend asked.  

“Because,” said Nancy, “if he really loved me, he would know that when I said I didn’t mind if he went to the ballgame that I really did mind, and he should be able to read my mind and what I really meant.  I really wanted him to stay home with me, but I didn’t want to tell him that.  He should have known what I really wanted.” 

Mixed Signals

Nancy told Bob one thing and meant another.  She then expected him to read her mind.  She also got mad at Bob when he did nothing wrong but try to communicate with her.  

Nancy was using magical thinking when she expected Bob to read her mind, if he loved her enough.

She was not only implying that Bob had some sort of super mindreading power but was also imposing her judgment on whether his love was enough.  Nancy put both herself and Bob into a rough spot with her magical thinking.  This resulted in her being upset, and it probably didn’t go too well for Bob when he got home.  The was likely very surprised to come home to a mad and sad wife for no reason that he could clearly understand.

Intimacy Requires Trust, Honesty, and Vulnerability

Intimacy requires trust, honesty, and vulnerability.  Magical thinking, which expects results and outcomes which are different from the initial input that results in the outcome erodes all of these ingredients in good, healthy communication between people.

In the case of Nancy and Bob, Nancy’s magical thinking not only made her miserable, but it also left Bob at a disadvantage.  He thought he was acting in line with what his wife wanted only to be left with displeasing her through no fault of his own.

Nancy could have saved them both a lot of trouble if she had been honest, vulnerable, and ultimately trustworthy and simply said something like, “I would rather you stay home because I’ll miss you, but if you want to go, it just means you like baseball and not that you don’t want to be with me, right?”

Bob would then have been able to make a choice based on her honest input, and he would have had the opportunity to reaffirm that he loves her.  These actions would have built intimacy between the two and not torn it apart nor hurt each other.

Be like Bob, not like Nancy.

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