Who Do You Want to Be: Victim or Hero?

We play many roles throughout our lives, child, parent, friend, employee, etc.  We can also play a victim or hero at different times in our lives… as well as different times in a single conversation!  Here is an example, we talked about enneagrams a few posts ago so go check that at or do a quick google search to get more information.  The enneagram type 2 individual is called “The Helper.”  You won’t be shocked to hear that a lot of counselors are considered type 2.  One of the negative aspects of this personality is that in their desire to serve or help they can at times do so even when it is unwarranted or unhealthy for them or the recipient.  These individuals genuinely think that they are being a hero and when it doesn’t play out the way that they expected, they can become a victim.  

Now, let's actually explain what a hero and a victim is.  A hero is an individual who is proactive in doing what is right, especially when it is hard.  This individual would also take responsibility for themself regardless of the environment or the circumstance.  On the other hand, a victim is an individual who allows outside circumstances to control them.  When something happens to them they don’t know what to do and feel helpless in the situation.  This is where passivity comes in which will be the topics of the next few discussions.  Passivity is a lack of action.

When it comes to our relationships, we are often at the mercy of the circumstance.  We can choose to react and respond, but we cannot control outside forces.  Having a victim mentality in this case would look like not taking action even when it is possible to.  We can easily fall into these roles over and over due to patterns we create in our relationships.  We often learn when we are young how to react and respond and sometimes this looks like not taking action.  This creates learned helplessness though which teaches that even when we can take action, we don’t.  

This victim mentality can often be seen in the Christian community as well.  It is believed to stem from the idea of servanthood and being subservient.  These ideas are not quite biblical though.  Being in service of others is, but not to the extreme of servanthood.  A verse that people often turn to is Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” when they are trying to make individuals subservient.  What people fail to do is read a few verses later where it says “Husbands, love your wifes, just as Christ Loved the Church and gave himself up for her.”  We are all called to have a strong voice.  It says to give yourself to one another like Christ did for us, nowhere does this say stop being assertive and speaking up about your needs. 

In another podcast called The Shrink Think Podcast, they explore the idea of the Fear Triangle.  The triangle has three perspectives; the rescuer who is a person always trying to go in and help; the prosecutor who forces their way and makes you feel bad about it; and the victim who is focused on the subject of their environment and does not take any action to better their situation.  When we get stuck in the triangle we tend to identify with one dominant type, but can rotate between all three postures.  One is not necessarily ‘better’ than the others, in reality, we want out of the triangle completely.  The rescuer and the prosecutor aspects have an underlying ability to become victims easily.  This is just when there is a true belief that you have no control over yourself and that you can't do anything about your situation.

We all have the capability to play the hero or the victim in every single experience we have.  If you aren’t sure which one you are acting on take a second to sit down and see how your body is feeling.  Are you exhausted?  Feel defeated? Are you still taking action anyway?  If you think you have been leaning towards the victim end, there is no judgement!! Everyone has at some point.  By acknowledging where you are you can then move forward.  Being a hero means that when we come across hardships, we see them as an opportunity to grow and change.  By becoming self-aware you are taking the first step towards becoming a hero.  Everyone has the ability to be a hero, we just have to acknowledge where we are currently!

What Is Your Inner-Critic Telling You About Yourself?

We all have an internal critic, but we also know that some internal critics are stronger than others.  The Enneagram typing system explores nine basic types of personalities.  If you don’t know much about this system I encourage you to take a quick Enneagram quiz and explore the different types for yourself.   Out of the nine personality types they explore, three of them have a tendency towards strong internal critics.  Personality type 1 has the strongest need to perfect or reform things to look “more perfect.”  Types 3 and 8 also have a tendency but are not as strong.  Looking back at last week’s discussion about perfectionism, we explored how it is a learned pattern that we are taught by our parents, sometimes unintentionally.  There is the age old discussion of nature vs. nurture in regard to personality, it is also argued that both are influencing factors, not one over the other.  So while perfectionism is often a learned trait, it can also be inherent.  

One way to look at perfectionism and our inner-critic is that we are always striving to reach 1,000 when 100 is the highest we can reach.  I know that sounds harsh, but we only have so much we can give or do as humans.  Our inner-critic is constantly telling us that we should reach that 1,000 which in turn creates a shame cycle.  We tell ourselves that we can and should be doing more and doing better.  Several weeks ago we looked at SMART goals which simply means setting realistic and achievable goals.  There is more to it than that so go take a look at the SMART goals post if you have the chance, it lays out steps and examples for setting achievable goals!  We can still have big goals, but we need to create baby steps to reach them.  Maybe to start out we try to reach 30 instead of 100, and then once that is achieved the goal can be changed.  What we are striving for, and what will help quiet our inner-critic, is acknowledging that progress is what we want, not perfection.  

The opposite of self-criticism is accepting reality and giving ourselves kindness.  A professor once said, “we are human beings, not human doings.”  This may sound funny, but it is so true!  A perfectionist mentality tells us that “I am not doing enough or doing it right.”  The idea that we are human beings gives us permission to be kind to ourselves as well as accept that progress is what we are striving for.  This takes on an Eastern mentality which can feel uncomfortable for us in a Western society because we have been raised with the mentality that we must always be producing and excelling.  The Eastern mentality is one of peace and just being, not doing.  

In contrast to doing, perfectionistic personalities also tend to be procrastinators.  While this is contradictory it also makes sense, and here is why.  It is so hard to get started when we want things to be perfect because it can be stressful and at times scary and we may not know where to start.  Here is one way to change your view of procrastination, you are actually choosing to do what you really want to do, not procrastinating.  We often feel the need to do what we think is good, right, and perfect, but it is not always what we are passionate about.  There are of course things that we do at times have to do, that is part of being adults, but we have to let go of those other expectations and allow ourselves to do things we want as well. 

Self-criticism stops us from growing and may prevent us from participating in the things that we love and from being loved.  Our inner-critics tell us that others are not lovable and that we are not lovable either if we are not perfect.  When we, or others, don’t achieve 1,000 we tell ourselves we are failures so sometimes we don’t even try.  In truth though, failure is when we give up and stop trying.  When we are critical of ourselves and others we are not showing love.  Sometimes we think that when we are critical we are acting with love because we want to help ourselves and those around us to be the best version of ourselves.  But in reality, we are telling them that they are not lovable until they reach perfection.  

Now, here are some tools to help combat our inner-critics.  The tools that we will be exploring come from a CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) lense.  The first tool is one that we use often with clients and that is to first notice a critical thought.  This sounds simple, but when we let our inner-critic take control we may not even notice we are being critical of ourselves or others.  Once we notice the thought we have the power to change our thought path.  It is helpful to change the path to the opposite of the thought or even something unreatled.  For example, when your partner is chewing too loud, instead of criticizing them we can instead say “I love you.”  Of course, if there are needs that are not being met these must be communicated, but in this situation it is more beneficial to acknowledge your love for them.  Kristin Neff, a leader on self-compassion, asks us to ask ourselves what would you say to your best friend if they were in the exact same situation? We are often so much kinder to others than ourselves!  You must remember, you are NOT an exception, you deserve compassion as well. 

Another tool is to use a CBT thought diary.  If you are an Iphone user, there is a free app that you can download or you can google thought diary and there are several templates to explore.  The idea of a thought diary is to help you walk through your negative thoughts.  First, write down what the thought was, no editing!  Next ask yourself what is another option?  Reframe your thoughts (the app has specific tools to help with this), this can help foster self-compassion and radical acceptance.  

One final thought, we are so used to getting affirmation from other people.  Due to COVID related restrictions, we are often not getting the same level of support and affirmation from outside sources.  To help with this, we need to get back to getting affirmation from ourselves!  One simple thing we can do is to leave yourself a sticky note.  Maybe you write your favorite quote, song lyric, bible verse, or just write “you rock” on it.  By doing this you are creating a visual affirmation that you are lovable and doing your best “being.”