What Daily Dialogue Can Do For You!
For those of you who have been following this blog you may notice that we talk about daily dialogue constantly, but bear with me! I write about it so often because it is important. When we are in conflict with and are committed to working on the relationship all we can talk about at times is said conflict. While it is important to talk about our struggles with our partners, sometimes we get stuck in a pain cycle. This means that we are still focused on our pain, which is valid, but when that is all we can think or talk about, we get stuck in a cycle that can be really hard to escape if we don’t take the time to process through our own pain. Daily dialogue may not help process your pain (individual therapy is a great place to start), but it can help begin the process of rebuilding trust through communication. Find time to talk about the day's events or pieces of your relationship. What is a priority for you? How are you and your partner fighting for those changes?
The first step is to find time during your day to talk that works best for you. You are busy people! This may take some trial and error, but it is worth it. Some couples that I know of talk at the end of their day, which may seem logical to you, but for other couples the evening is their busiest time of the day! One couple I know actually called each other during their lunch break at work. They recognized that it was the one time during the day when their attention wasn’t being pulled in different directions. In person is ideal, but not a requirement! For those of you reading this that have kids at home, carving out time of your day just for each other can be even more difficult. Kids need a lot of care and can be distracting in their demand for our attention. I say this in the most loving way possible! But for those parents out there I’m sure you would agree.
It is important for children to see you and your partner working on your relationship. Every relationship has struggles, by taking time to sit down and talk to one another, you are modeling healthy behavior to your children! A lot of parents don’t want their children to see them fight as a way of protecting them. Parents do this with every good intention, I don’t say this to say you are wrong. When you and your partner are able to talk to one another and show that even if you are currently struggling, you still love each other and are making the effort to work through your struggles, as mentioned before you are teaching them healthy behavior. They will carry those skills into their own relationships in the future.
It is also important to work on your relationship while your children are still in your home because once they grow up and leave it is just you and your partner again. When you become a parent your world often becomes centered around your children. This is only natural! It is also important to remember who you are as an individual and who you are within your relationship with your partner. What often happens when the children leave the home is that parents have to relearn who they are as individuals. When you make the decision to work on your relationship you can also ask yourself the question of what do you want your relationship to look like when your kids are gone. What we don’t want is for your kids to be gone and realize your partner is just a familiar person you do life with. This can be lonely!
The overall goal of daily dialogue is to establish communication about circumstances. Now circumstances can mean any aspect of your life, it does not have to be about the current conflict. The way to establish effective communication is through active listening. Active listening is done when we listen for the meaning in what our partner is saying, not listening to respond. This is not the time to give feedback, fix (solve a problem), or to be right or wrong. It is important to reflect back what you are hearing. Try not to say “I understand”, this can often be taken as antagonistic, even when that is not the intention. Instead of saying “I understand”, reflect back the feelings you heard and summarize what they said. Imagine your partner just told you about having a really bad day at work. Try responding with “I’m hearing you say Jim at work hurt your feelings, that sounds really frustrating, is that what I’m hearing.” This reflects and summarizes by being able to state the facts, but also reflect what they may be feeling.
If you are having a difficult time even talking to your partner right now, that’s okay, start small! Try starting with talking about one good thing and one bad (or difficult thing) that happened to you throughout the day. This can be helpful because it is usually circumstantial and not relationship focused. This can take some of the tension off of the conversation. Maybe you even agree beforehand to not discuss your relationship during your scheduled daily conversation. Once you are able to start to trust one another again with your feelings, you can start working your way up to the bigger conversations later one! Stephen Covey said, “If you want to be understood, seek to understand.” We must first learn to listen to one another and gain understanding.