How Magical Thinking Destroys Intimacy

Magical thinking is that deceptive blend of imagination and hope that leads a person to believe that they can expect certain actions or events in spite of the lack of factors that in reality can cause the desired effect.

Let’s look at an example of this principle in action in the following anecdote.

Nancy Gets Upset with Her Husband, Bob For Going to a Baseball Game  

Bob came home from work one day and told Nancy that he had gotten a ticket to go to a professional baseball game at the local stadium the following week as a perk of his job and would like to go.  He, then, asked Nancy if she’d mind it if he went.  

Nancy, then, said, “No, go if you want to go.”  

Bob said, “Okay, I’d like that.”  So, Bob went to the game.

On the day of the game, Nancy moped around the house, gave abrupt answers to Bob, and snarled at the kids.  That evening, while Bob was at the game, Nancy broke down in tears and called her friend.

“Why are you so upset,” her friend asked.

“Because, Bob went to the baseball game tonight.”

“Why didn’t he stay home or have you go with him?”  The friend asked.

“Well, he asked me if I minded if he’d go,” said Nancy.

“Okay, then why are you upset?” Her friend asked.  

“Because,” said Nancy, “if he really loved me, he would know that when I said I didn’t mind if he went to the ballgame that I really did mind, and he should be able to read my mind and what I really meant.  I really wanted him to stay home with me, but I didn’t want to tell him that.  He should have known what I really wanted.” 

Mixed Signals

Nancy told Bob one thing and meant another.  She then expected him to read her mind.  She also got mad at Bob when he did nothing wrong but try to communicate with her.  

Nancy was using magical thinking when she expected Bob to read her mind, if he loved her enough.

She was not only implying that Bob had some sort of super mindreading power but was also imposing her judgment on whether his love was enough.  Nancy put both herself and Bob into a rough spot with her magical thinking.  This resulted in her being upset, and it probably didn’t go too well for Bob when he got home.  The was likely very surprised to come home to a mad and sad wife for no reason that he could clearly understand.

Intimacy Requires Trust, Honesty, and Vulnerability

Intimacy requires trust, honesty, and vulnerability.  Magical thinking, which expects results and outcomes which are different from the initial input that results in the outcome erodes all of these ingredients in good, healthy communication between people.

In the case of Nancy and Bob, Nancy’s magical thinking not only made her miserable, but it also left Bob at a disadvantage.  He thought he was acting in line with what his wife wanted only to be left with displeasing her through no fault of his own.

Nancy could have saved them both a lot of trouble if she had been honest, vulnerable, and ultimately trustworthy and simply said something like, “I would rather you stay home because I’ll miss you, but if you want to go, it just means you like baseball and not that you don’t want to be with me, right?”

Bob would then have been able to make a choice based on her honest input, and he would have had the opportunity to reaffirm that he loves her.  These actions would have built intimacy between the two and not torn it apart nor hurt each other.

Be like Bob, not like Nancy.

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What Daily Dialogue Can Do For You!

For those of you who have been following this blog you may notice that we talk about daily dialogue constantly, but bear with me!  I write about it so often because it is important.  When we are in conflict with and are committed to working on the relationship all we can talk about at times is said conflict.  While it is important to talk about our struggles with our partners, sometimes we get stuck in a pain cycle.  This means that we are still focused on our pain, which is valid, but when that is all we can think or talk about, we get stuck in a cycle that can be really hard to escape if we don’t take the time to process through our own pain.  Daily dialogue may not help process your pain (individual therapy is a great place to start), but it can help begin the process of rebuilding trust through communication.  Find time to talk about the day's events or pieces of your relationship.  What is a priority for you?  How are you and your partner fighting for those changes?

The first step is to find time during your day to talk that works best for you.  You are busy people!  This may take some trial and error, but it is worth it.  Some couples that I know of talk at the end of their day, which may seem logical to you, but for other couples the evening is their busiest time of the day!  One couple I know actually called each other during their lunch break at work.  They recognized that it was the one time during the day when their attention wasn’t being pulled in different directions.  In person is ideal, but not a requirement!  For those of you reading this that have kids at home, carving out time of your day just for each other can be even more difficult.  Kids need a lot of care and can be distracting in their demand for our attention.  I say this in the most loving way possible!  But for those parents out there I’m sure you would agree.   

It is important for children to see you and your partner working on your relationship.  Every relationship has struggles, by taking time to sit down and talk to one another, you are modeling healthy behavior to your children!  A lot of parents don’t want their children to see them fight as a way of protecting them.  Parents do this with every good intention, I don’t say this to say you are wrong.  When you and your partner are able to talk to one another and show that even if you are currently struggling, you still love each other and are making the effort to work through your struggles, as mentioned before you are teaching them healthy behavior.  They will carry those skills into their own relationships in the future. 

It is also important to work on your relationship while your children are still in your home because once they grow up and leave it is just you and your partner again.  When you become a parent your world often becomes centered around your children.  This is only natural!  It is also important to remember who you are as an individual and who you are within your relationship with your partner.  What often happens when the children leave the home is that parents have to relearn who they are as individuals.  When you make the decision to work on your relationship you can also ask yourself the question of what do you want your relationship to look like when your kids are gone.  What we don’t want is for your kids to be gone and realize your partner is just a familiar person you do life with. This can be lonely!

The overall goal of daily dialogue is to establish communication about circumstances.  Now circumstances can mean any aspect of your life, it does not have to be about the current conflict.  The way to establish effective communication is through active listening.  Active listening is done when we listen for the meaning in what our partner is saying, not listening to respond.  This is not the time to give feedback, fix (solve a problem), or to be right or wrong.  It is important to reflect back what you are hearing.  Try not to say “I understand”, this can often be taken as antagonistic, even when that is not the intention.  Instead of saying “I understand”, reflect back the feelings you heard and summarize what they said.  Imagine your partner just told you about having a really bad day at work.  Try responding with “I’m hearing you say Jim at work hurt your feelings, that sounds really frustrating, is that what I’m hearing.”  This reflects and summarizes by being able to state the facts, but also reflect what they may be feeling.  

If you are having a difficult time even talking to your partner right now, that’s okay, start small! Try starting with talking about one good thing and one bad (or difficult thing) that happened to you throughout the day.  This can be helpful because it is usually circumstantial and not relationship focused.  This can take some of the tension off of the conversation.  Maybe you even agree beforehand to not discuss your relationship during your scheduled daily conversation.  Once you are able to start to trust one another again with your feelings, you can start working your way up to the bigger conversations later one!  Stephen Covey said, “If you want to be understood, seek to understand.”  We must first learn to listen to one another and gain understanding.