Living from Internal Power vs External Pressure

Are you a people pleaser?  Do you feel like you have to cave or give in to what other people want you to do or worry about what other people will think? Is it easier for you to go along with the crowd than to make your own decision and pave your own way?  

It’s normal to be influenced by others but when we let others or circumstances take our power away, we aren't really living out of our own decisions.  This can lead to living a life someone else wants us to live rather than the life that we have been designed to live.

It’s like the teenager who wants to fit in and compromises by cheating, doing drugs, or having sex just because someone offered or asked.  This teen may have strong internal convictions against these things, but if the pressure is there from the external outside forces, whatever they perceive them to be, it is hard to stand on the internal decisions they thought they had made for themselves.

Who Is Controlling Your Decisions?

Sometimes, it can be so familiar a pattern in people’s lives that they don’t even realize they are going along with the crowd.  They just don’t know they are making a choice to give up their power by making a choice they don’t even know they are making, that being to give up their own internal governing of their own thoughts and actions because of outside influences.

To identify who you are listening to, take time to step away from the situations that currently present themselves and ask yourself the following questions before taking action, speaking, or deciding:

1. What do I really think about this situation, independent of all of the opinions and thoughts of others.  Keep others’ opinions outside of your brain space, and separate your thoughts from the thoughts of others.

2. How do I feel?  Am I in agreement?  Am I angry?  Am I confused?

3. What do I want and need?  

4. What action do I want to take in this area?

You Get to Choose.  Choose Wisely.

You get to choose how you want to lead your life.  You have the free will to decide whether your thoughts and actions will be wise or not, whether they will move the ball forward or set you back.

If it feels overwhelming to you to have this newfound freedom and responsibility, remember that you don’t have to do everything all at once.

Simply choose one area that you want to be intentional about and see it through until the outcome you have impacted.

You have more power than you might think to make your life and the lives of those around you healthy and happy. 

Benefits of An Internal Locus of Control

Internal Locus of Control means that you believe that your own actions have an impact.

You gain confidence.

You get to determine what you will and will not accept.

You get to work toward end goals that are what you would like them to be. 

You will be less likely to get caught up with people and in behaviors that are not good for you.

You can stress less because you won’t be working so hard to meet the expectations of others who aren’t even living your life.

If we can help you to grow in this area of your internal power, please reach out: (541)275-0412

Written by Michele Croyle, Guest blogger

Where Do You Find Your Value and Worth?

There are many different ways we try to find our self-worth and value in our lives.  We try through work, marriage, parenting, etc.  We also try to gain self-worth and value from perfectionism, but when we do it is not always in the good way.  As we’ve talked about over the last several weeks, perfectionism comes with a lot of self-criticism and can transfer to how we experience our partners.  In general, our parents want the best for us so they push and push us to achieve perfection which carries over into adulthood.  For a while we may even feel valuable when we are trying for the best, but we may not actually feel that way internally or for long because our perfectionism tells us there is always more to strive for.  We learn a lot about our value from our relationships, especially during our childhood.  We first learn from our parents (whether they accept or reject us) and then as we grow older we learn about value from our friendships and whether or not they accept our bids for connection.  We have all had experiences where we question our connection to those around us.  When we question that we also question what our value and self-worth are.  

As Christians we often struggle with perfectionism because we feel the pressure to be perfect all the time.  If God is perfect, shouldn’t we be?  But nowhere does God ever call for us to be perfect, that is human pressure that we put on ourselves.  God tells us “In your sin, I died for you.”  This means that he knows we make mistakes and mess up, but he loves us anyways and because of it.  When we or our partners make mistakes it is easy to show disappointment towards them and ourselves.  How can we engage with compassion and grace rather than criticism and disappointment?  As always, we have to take baby steps to changing our responses.  It is important to first notice the challenge in front of you; understand that perfectionism is something that we are taught.  We have to reteach ourselves that there are many ways to achieve a goal and that in general we are all doing our best (even if it doesn’t match your perception/expectations of “best”).  After that we have to ask ourselves what is the message we want others to get from us?  This applies to everyone, children, partners, friends, etc.  How did you feel as a child when your parents pushed you to be your “best”?

A big part of the Christian journey during our lives is learning that God is the one who ultimately decides our value and worth.  God tells us that you are special, he made you, and sent his son to die for you.  We are all called children of God and this inherently makes us special and valuable.  His unconditional love and acceptance is the foundation of our value.  In the movie Fight Club they say at one point, “If our parents were models for God and they failed us, what does that say about God?”  It’s easy to think that way, but it’s also not quite fair.  Our parents and our friends are human and fallible just like we are which is why God doesn't fail us. 

With that being said, if there is something that is bothering you, you have two options.  You can either try to get over it and not let it bother you, or you can address it with the individual.  When you are addressing the issue it is not a time for judgement and criticism.  It should be a discussion with that individual where you show up with grace and compassion and are able to express what your needs and hopes are.  You don’t have to suffer in your frustration, tell your partner “it really is frustrating to me…” They may respond with “I am feeling judged or less than right now.”  That is okay!  Respond with something along the lines of, “I’m just bringing this up because I want you to know what is going on inside of me not because I am judging you.”  When both partners are able to be honest with where they are at in the moment it can be worked through.  By leading with grace, compassion and acceptance you are creating a safe space where having differing experiences is okay.  By doing this you are honoring that you are both in the process of learning and growing and neither of you are less than because of the situation.  You are valuable, they are valuable, you make a team and are in it together!

For those of you on the other side of the relationship, maybe your partner is struggling with perfectionism, this is for you.  When they are hard or negative towards you, they are probably equally if not more hard on themselves.  This is not an excuse to allow them to continue, but hopefully help gain some understanding for their experience.  You can stand up for yourself without putting your partner down.  Remember, you are good enough, you are good as you are, you are lovely, and your value is not determined by what you do.  You are just letting them know how it affects you.  Use the example above and tweek it so it feels more natural for you!

If you remember one concept from all of this it should be that your value and worth cannot be defined by anyone else.  Only God can determine that.  Being human means we make mistakes, this does not lessen your value!  How we respond and interact with ourselves is just as important as how we interact with others, at times maybe more important.  Once we recognize that we are inherently valuable we can treat others like they are as well.