What Daily Dialogue Can Do For You!

For those of you who have been following this blog you may notice that we talk about daily dialogue constantly, but bear with me!  I write about it so often because it is important.  When we are in conflict with and are committed to working on the relationship all we can talk about at times is said conflict.  While it is important to talk about our struggles with our partners, sometimes we get stuck in a pain cycle.  This means that we are still focused on our pain, which is valid, but when that is all we can think or talk about, we get stuck in a cycle that can be really hard to escape if we don’t take the time to process through our own pain.  Daily dialogue may not help process your pain (individual therapy is a great place to start), but it can help begin the process of rebuilding trust through communication.  Find time to talk about the day's events or pieces of your relationship.  What is a priority for you?  How are you and your partner fighting for those changes?

The first step is to find time during your day to talk that works best for you.  You are busy people!  This may take some trial and error, but it is worth it.  Some couples that I know of talk at the end of their day, which may seem logical to you, but for other couples the evening is their busiest time of the day!  One couple I know actually called each other during their lunch break at work.  They recognized that it was the one time during the day when their attention wasn’t being pulled in different directions.  In person is ideal, but not a requirement!  For those of you reading this that have kids at home, carving out time of your day just for each other can be even more difficult.  Kids need a lot of care and can be distracting in their demand for our attention.  I say this in the most loving way possible!  But for those parents out there I’m sure you would agree.   

It is important for children to see you and your partner working on your relationship.  Every relationship has struggles, by taking time to sit down and talk to one another, you are modeling healthy behavior to your children!  A lot of parents don’t want their children to see them fight as a way of protecting them.  Parents do this with every good intention, I don’t say this to say you are wrong.  When you and your partner are able to talk to one another and show that even if you are currently struggling, you still love each other and are making the effort to work through your struggles, as mentioned before you are teaching them healthy behavior.  They will carry those skills into their own relationships in the future. 

It is also important to work on your relationship while your children are still in your home because once they grow up and leave it is just you and your partner again.  When you become a parent your world often becomes centered around your children.  This is only natural!  It is also important to remember who you are as an individual and who you are within your relationship with your partner.  What often happens when the children leave the home is that parents have to relearn who they are as individuals.  When you make the decision to work on your relationship you can also ask yourself the question of what do you want your relationship to look like when your kids are gone.  What we don’t want is for your kids to be gone and realize your partner is just a familiar person you do life with. This can be lonely!

The overall goal of daily dialogue is to establish communication about circumstances.  Now circumstances can mean any aspect of your life, it does not have to be about the current conflict.  The way to establish effective communication is through active listening.  Active listening is done when we listen for the meaning in what our partner is saying, not listening to respond.  This is not the time to give feedback, fix (solve a problem), or to be right or wrong.  It is important to reflect back what you are hearing.  Try not to say “I understand”, this can often be taken as antagonistic, even when that is not the intention.  Instead of saying “I understand”, reflect back the feelings you heard and summarize what they said.  Imagine your partner just told you about having a really bad day at work.  Try responding with “I’m hearing you say Jim at work hurt your feelings, that sounds really frustrating, is that what I’m hearing.”  This reflects and summarizes by being able to state the facts, but also reflect what they may be feeling.  

If you are having a difficult time even talking to your partner right now, that’s okay, start small! Try starting with talking about one good thing and one bad (or difficult thing) that happened to you throughout the day.  This can be helpful because it is usually circumstantial and not relationship focused.  This can take some of the tension off of the conversation.  Maybe you even agree beforehand to not discuss your relationship during your scheduled daily conversation.  Once you are able to start to trust one another again with your feelings, you can start working your way up to the bigger conversations later one!  Stephen Covey said, “If you want to be understood, seek to understand.”  We must first learn to listen to one another and gain understanding. 

6 Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner After Your Baby Arrives

After having a baby, you might feel there is a growing distance between you and your partner. You’re both exhausted, and suddenly, you’re entirely responsible for a whole new life. You feel like you barely have a moment for yourself, let alone your partner, and you worry that your relationship could be in jeopardy if you can’t find a way to balance romance with a new baby. 

Many parents face the same struggles, and these couples often come out the other side with an even stronger bond. If you think you may need relationship counseling, Veritas Community Counseling can provide you both with support. In the meantime, these valuable tips can help you navigate this stressful time. 

Communicate

If you’re feeling distant from your partner, letting them know what’s on your mind is the first step to revitalizing your relationship. Chances are, they’re feeling the exact same way right now, and acknowledging that you’re both feeling low can help you begin finding ways to reconnect. In fact, simply having a heart-to-heart conversation can bring some much-needed relief. Remember, when you’re raising a family, there is no such thing as oversharing, so let your partner know everything that’s been going through your head. There are plenty of podcasts available that will give you tips on communication and resilience.

Split Responsibilities

Sometimes, one partner might feel more overwhelmed and tired than the other because they have ended up taking on more domestic responsibilities. To strengthen your bond, sit down and talk about how you can make sure both partners are taking on their fair share. Ideal Baby recommends writing down both of your daily schedules and then creating routines that won’t interfere with your individual obligations. Babies don’t follow perfect schedules, so you’ll need to be flexible, but this can definitely help you manage your time. 

Focus on Intimacy

Both of you might feel a bit anxious about being intimate again after the baby is born. For new parents, sex can bring challenges. This is perfectly normal, and you can find ways to be intimate that are comfortable for both of you. Napping together, cuddling while watching a movie, holding hands when you take a walk, or giving each other shoulder massages can all help you feel closer. You can do other things to enhance the mood, too, from sprucing up your bedroom with new decor to buying a cute nightgown that can double as a nursing gown.  

Cute Surprises

If your partner gave birth, it’s time to find ways to surprise her! The postpartum period can be difficult for new moms, and recovering after giving birth takes time. If you want to brighten up her day and make her smile, go out of your way to surprise her with things that she’ll love. ThriveWorks recommends bringing her favorite coffee drink home after you’ve been out, buying small gifts for her while running errands, or having adorable family photos framed for your home. 

Find Childcare
You may be nervous about leaving your baby with someone else for the first time. However, finding someone to provide reliable, trustworthy childcare will allow you and your partner to schedule date nights again and enjoy some time together. 

Your parents might be looking forward to spending some time with their grandchild. But if they don’t live nearby, or they’re not available to babysit, you may need to hire a sitter. If you’re not sure whether your baby is ready to stay with a sitter, ask your pediatrician for their opinion. And should you decide that it’s time to hire a sitter, ask your loved ones for their recommendations. 

Don’t Forget Alone Time

Finally, remember that both you and your partner will need some time alone. Even having a half-hour to read a book by yourself or soak in the bath can turn your whole day around. Afterward, you’ll feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and eager to see your partner and baby again.

Right now, you and your partner are trying to adjust to your life as new parents. It’s going to take some time to figure out the routines that work best. With these tips, you’ll be able to find new ways to connect with each other, make time for date nights, and balance your responsibilities.

Are you and your partner struggling with your relationship after having a child? Relationship counseling with Veritas Community Counseling can help. Schedule your appointment today through our website or call us at (541) 275-0412.

Photo via Pexels. Article written by Emily Graham, blogger and creator of mightymoms.net.