3 Signs You Are Being Emotionally Abused?

It’s probably a pretty good bet that there isn’t anyone who wants to be emotionally abused, right? Yet, it sometimes happens so subtly and abusers are so skilled at manipulating others close to them that you might not even realize it is happening to you at all or maybe not for a long time.

Consider the experience of a woman who grew up in a home where her parents ran the show.  She thought they were good parents because they told her they were.  After all, what would she have to compare them to?  They were the only parents she had.

Yet, when she expressed her feelings or needs, she was told, “Shut up, you don’t feel that way.”  Or, “Don’t be such a baby.”  Worse yet, “How dare you say that I’m hurting your feelings, after all I’ve done for you.  You are just a troublemaker.”  

If any of these statements sound familiar, here is why they are emotional abuse:

• Someone Calls You Names, Attacks Your Feelings, or Puts You Down

In the heat of the moment, even those in the best of relationships can find one or the other person saying something accidentally that they do not mean, but if this behavior is a constant form of communication or even a relatively predictable occurrence, it is emotional abuse.

Emotional Abuse is Anything That Misuses Your Thoughts, Feelings, or Actions Against You In A Silencing or Demeaning Way.

• Someone Else Controls Your Decisions, Appearance, Choices, Actions

Of course, there are times where caregivers are in the position to guide these areas for a person out of benefit for a person who is not able to do such things for themselves adequately, but that is different from a relationship where the benefit is not for the person experiencing the control of someone else’s direction.

In healthy relationships, whether they be romantic relationships, family relationships, or friend, work, school, or any other kind of relationship, the rights of each person is respected.  Each person is permitted space to think, act, and choose their own manner of existing in the world as long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.  This is mutual respect, and being treated with it should be a “given” and not an exception.

If you find yourself often feeling silenced, judged, criticized, or your own words and thoughts used against you in a particular relationship, it is likely you are being emotionally abused.

2. Your partner controls your appearance

Oftentimes, emotional abuse takes place when a woman’s partner wants to control how she looks. Examples include forcing or coercing a partner to lose weight, remove body hair, or dress a certain way. In this situation, the woman is led to feel that she is undesirable unless she changes her appearance to suit the male partner’s preference.

3. Your partner shares sensitive information about you

Another sign of emotional abuse is a partner who shares sensitive information about you with others. For example, a woman might be sensitive about the fact that she is overweight and plans to start seeing a nutritionist. The woman asks her partner not to tell anyone about it. If her partner shares the information anyway, emotional abuse is in effect. In this case, the abusive partner may diminish her confidence and increase feelings of vulnerability.

4. Your partner shuts conversations down

This is a classic sign of emotional abuse. Abusers are not interested in mutual understanding. They simply want to coerce and control their partners into submission. One way this takes place is when the abuser prevents his partner from speaking. They may cut you off mid-sentence, walk away from the conversation, or talk over you until you give up and the abuser feels they have “won” the argument. This is a form of emotional abuse that makes the victim feel that her voice has no value.

5. Your partner gaslights you

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that abusive partners will often use. Gaslighting refers to when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality or making them doubt what they experienced. Examples of gaslighting include telling a victim "that never happened," or "that's not what I said," which can cause the victim to question their memory and rely more on the reality that their abuser creates. Another common form of gaslighting is being told "you're crazy" or "you're too sensitive" to invalidate your feelings and discredit you. 

6. Your partner crosses boundaries

Creating boundaries is a way for couples to maintain strong relations while simultaneously having a sense of self and independence. For example, you and your partner might have a joint account while also maintaining independent accounts. If a man charges a purchase to his partner’s account without her permission, he’s crossed a boundary. If boundary-breaking happens repeatedly, this jeopardizes the victim's sense of safety and independence.

7. Your partner monitors your activities or conversations

If your partner constantly checks your text messages, call history, emails, or browser history, this controlling behavior is a form of emotional abuse. It forces you into a constant fear of being watched or scrutinized, and makes it difficult to reach out to others when you need help. 

8. Your partner isolates you from family and friends

Emotionally abusive partners may try to isolate the victim from their friends and family members. The abuser does not want the victim to have a social network because others may question his controlling actions and attitudes. In some cases, an emotionally abusive spouse or partner will forbid a woman to maintain a friendship after the friend calls out his inappropriate behavior. Isolating their victim from others is also a way for an abuser to secure their victim's state of dependence on them, making it harder to leave.

9. You have to ask your partner for permission to leave the house

This is a clear sign of emotional abuse. With this type of controlling behavior, the abuser wants to ensure that he always knows where the other person is. Additionally, this type of behavior is a psychological trick that makes the victim experience self-doubt about her ability to be independent, complete important tasks, set and accomplish goals, etc.

10. Your partner asks you to compromise your morals

Like most people, you probably have a sense of right and wrong that helps you maintain a sense of ethical selfhood. Yet in many cases, an emotionally abusive partner will compromise this healthy way of living by asking you to do or say things that violate your moral code. One common example is a man pressuring a woman for sex despite the fact that she has already stated she is not ready for this level of physical intimacy. Another example would be asking a partner another to lie on their behalf. Here, the victim’s sense of self is damaged if they feel they’ve deviated from the values that make them a good person.

11. Your partner demeans your dreams

Emotionally abusive individuals are typically frightened at the idea of a partner realizing their dreams. This is because the abuser wants the victim to depend on him for a sense of self-worth and fulfillment. For this reason, it is common for abusers to make fun of the victim’s dream. The goal of this behavior is to discourage the victim from acting independently, developing self-confidence, or gaining the resources necessary to leave if the abuse becomes unbearable. An example of demeaning the victim’s dream would be learning that the partner wants to go to college and stating “That’s stupid. You don’t need a degree to take care of the kids and clean the house.”

Learn the signs so you can speak up against abuse.

Emotional abuse is one way that unhealthy relationships manifest. Emotional abuse is broadly defined as when the actions and attitudes of one person cause another individual to experience negative emotions like anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. 

We've put together signs that indicate that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, plus other signs of abuse.

Signs of Physical Abuse

1. Hitting, punching, kicking, shoving, choking, or slapping

2. Using weapons to inflict harm or threaten you

3. Controlling what you eat or when you sleep

4. Forcing you to do work against your will

5. Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol

6. Stopping you from seeking medical treatment or calling for help

Signs of Sexual Abuse

1. Forcing you to perform sexual acts without consent

2. Demanding sex when you're not willing or able

3. Harming you during sex by choking, holding, or striking you

4. Forcing you to watch pornography

5. Insulting you in sexual ways

Signs of Psychological Abuse

1. Threatening to hurt you or your children, pets, or loved ones

2. Damaging your stealing your belongings, or threatening to

3. Blaming you for the abuse, saying that you deserve what happens or that you caused him to react 

4. Withholding affection or acknowledgement in order to punish you or get their way

5. Cheating on you to deliberately cause you anguish

6. Lying to you

Signs of Reproductive Abuse

1. Refusing to use a condom, or deliberately removing it during intercourse without your knowledge

2. Refusing to let you use birth control of your choice

3. Sabotaging birth control, such as poking holes in condoms, swapping out birth control pills, not pulling out

4. Forcing you to become pregnant

5. Forcing you to have an abortion, or preventing you from getting one, regardless of your wishes

Signs of Financial Abuse

1. Preventing you from having access to bank accounts with your money

2. Only permitting you to spend from an allowance

3. Monitoring how you spend money and deciding what you can or cannot buy

4. Stealing your money or using your savings or credit cards without your permission

5. Refusing to contribute to shared expenses such as rent, food, childcare, etc. 

How to Have That Difficult Conversation with Your Spouse

Every marriage has times where communication comes easy and free, but every marriage also has times when topics come up that present opportunities where more difficult conversations need to be had.  Although they may be uncomfortable, if they are necessary, there are some techniques that can make them easier to navigate.

Here Are Some Tips to Help

Select An Appropriate Time- Don’t bring up a difficult conversation topic in the middle of an argument or when you don’t have time to see it through to an effective resolution.  Select a time when you are both going to be well-rested, able to navigate difficult feelings, and select a place that is distraction free and without others around.

Set the Expectation- Let your spouse know that you would like to set-up a time to discuss xyz.  Ask your spouse if they are willing to set aside some time to really talk about this and work through it.  

Speak Gently- A gentle tone of voice is something that the Bible tells us can turn away wrath.  It’s true, the tone in which conversations are shared can make a big difference between putting the other person on the defensive and being heard in a spirit of understanding and cooperation.

Stay Respectful- Remember that you each have your individual thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, and that is healthy and completely okay.  However, each person should also feel that they can share their viewpoints, wants, and needs without being put down or criticized.  

Identify Your Main Points and Your Desired Outcome- Having a difficult conversation can be complicated when you try to bring up multiple topics at once for discussion or when you feel many emotions at once.  

Prior to beginning the discussion, try to identify: 

1) Your main point 

2) What you feel, need, and want  

3) What you believe you understand your spouse to want 

4) An identified end goal that will work for both of you.

For instance, if you want to discuss selling the house, you might want to discuss your main point of wanting to wait until the warmer weather begins before listing it.  

Stating your points in the following format can help:  When you say you want to put the house up for sale next week, I feel stressed and need to feel I have enough time to emotionally transition to the plan.  Would you please be willing to consider pushing out the timeframe until June?  I understand that you would like to do it sooner, so I am willing to support that if you can’t wait until June, but I really need at least a month to be ready to list it.

Take Turns and Do Not Interupt- Allow each person to have their say and to clarify with each other to be sure both parties understand the other’s point of view and needs.

Match Feelings and Logic With Each Other- Try to match emotions expressed by each other with empathic emotional understanding and logical points expressed by each other with logical connections.  Many frustrations happen when couples meet emotions with logic and vice versa.

Example of the way not to do it:

Spouse 1: I am so angry right now at my mom that I could scream. (Emotion)

Spouse 2: You better not say anything to her, or she might not babysit tomorrow night. (Logic)

Result: Spouse 1 feels Spouse 2 only cares about tomorrow night’s plans and not about their feelings.

Example of the better way to do it:

Spouse 1: I am so angry right now at my mom that I could scream. (Emotion)

Spouse 2: I am sorry she is frustrating you so much.  Can I do anything to help you feel better? (Emotion)

Spouse 1: Thank, but I think I just needed to vent.  I don’t want to say anything to her now, or we might lose our sitter for tomorrow. (Logic)

Spouse 2: That makes sense. You can talk to her this weekend if you want. (Logic)

Result: By matching like with like, both individuals feel heard.

Work Towards the Win-Win- The best difficult conversations end with a resolution that works for both parties.  Sometimes there is not a perfect solution, but if you both determine to look out for each other’s needs and to work with each other in respectful understanding and negotiation, you can both benefit, grow closer to each other, and resolve difficulties quicker and more effectively.

If you and your spouse could use some help in your relationship to have the hard conversations and find a way through to the other side, give us a call: 5541-275-0412

Blog written by Michelle Croyle

Working Through Resentment Towards Forgiveness

In the previous post we explored how grace is integral within the healing process.  This week we will explore how we have to work through our resentments to get to a point of forgiveness.  They are both foundational pieces of healing.  To start this process we have to recognize what it is that we are holding on to.  Like we talked about previously, we may have to forgive more than once.  Forgiveness is a choice.  It is not a one and done deal, there is no forgiving and forgetting.  We must choose to not hold our resentments against our partners.  If we focus too much on the details of what happened it makes it difficult to forgive and live in the present moment.  We won’t be able to see how they are changing and how they are showing up.  “If I forgive them it negates the pain I am feeling.”  No!  It is actually an active choice to not let fear hold you in this place of resentment and bitterness.  

We prefer things that are familiar and after we experience a betrayal resentment and pain are extremely familiar.  Grace and forgiveness is not something familiar, in reality it is scary.  Before we can forgive we may have to grieve what occurred.  We often go through the 5 stages of grief; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, depression and despair, and adjustment and acceptance.  This is not as simple as moving from stage to stage, you may go through each stage multiple times and in no particular order.  Once you have completed this process though you can begin to let go.  This can feel like freedom.  You are you unburdening yourself as you release the feelings and the weight that comes with them.  Your partner can’t heal you or heal the relationship alone, you have a role in the healing process as well and must do your own work.  

It is important to also bring God back into your relationship.  Pray together and look for ways to reconcile the relationship.  The emotional cycle never closes.  Both parties are forever changed and scarred by a betrayal.  The book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst is a great exploration of this process.  Forgiveness is our way of not letting the past control us.  Be honest with yourself and your partner when you are having feelings of resentment.  It can be helpful to say “I just want to let you know that I am feeling this way; we are okay, I just might need to take some time to myself today to think about how I am feeling.”  

The previous statement is one way to keep daily dialogue open between both partners.  We have discussed daily dialogue many times, but it is because it is that important.  It is a way to stay connected even when you don’t feel capable of having deep conversations.  Plan something fun to do together.  Go on a date!  Don’t talk about the heavy stuff for a little bit.  You don’t even have to talk or if you do it is okay to be “shallow” with your conversation.  By doing this you and your partner can start to rebuild your sense of intimacy and get comfortable just being together again.