When you say "I understand..." Do you?

I bet you are a bit like me and you tend to say “I understand” to someone simply to acknowledge that you heard them so you can say what you want to say. Most people default to this unhelpful use of acknowledgement because it feels like you are communicating understanding as a listener. This happens in the workplace, with your friends and especially damaging is with your partner.

An article written by Brandon Voss of the Black Swan Group, which specializes in negotiation and communication skills, described how saying “I understand” actually doesn’t communicate understanding.

Voss writes, “First of all we all know when someone says "I understand" to us they have no concept of what our problem or issue really is.  Basically a lazy way for them to get us to stop talking so they can interject with their own reasoning. Clearly displaying that they didn't hear a word nor have they taken it into account, but for some strange reason they expect us to think we have been heard.  But then we turn around and do it ourselves. You are doing more damage to your communication effort than you realize.”

With your partner, this dismisses their perspective and shuts down the relationship. You often follow this phrase up with “but” which means you are not showing that you care or are invested in understanding at all… You just want to make your side known and probably validated. You first have to start by trying to understand yourself instead of giving lip service to your partner’s vulnerability in sharing their experience with you.

To share your experience takes courage because you are vulnerable to rejection by the person you are sharing with. Next week we will talk through three simple tips to be understood while asserting for your experience instead of being aggressive and not allowing your partner to understand you or show you empathy.

You already know that what you are doing right now doesn’t work. You are primed to try a different approach. Start this week by being open to your partner’s vulnerability and really trying to understand what they are saying.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.