Active Listening Guidelines: 4 Questions to Help You Understand Your Partner Better
As soon as Beth and Tony got in the therapist’s door, they started to share their perspective with the therapist of what the other should be doing differently than what they were. After several sessions of this, the therapist reflected that while each of them is talking about each other and the situation to the therapist, neither of them is talking with their partner. As any therapist who has worked with couples for longer than a few minutes can attest, individuals often come into counseling because they feel unheard, disrespected, or unimportant to their partner. However, it isn’t always that the couples disagree with each other’s perspectives but rather that they are not actually attending to what is being said and what is needed by the other.
Active listening can help couples to get off of the hamster wheel of going around and around without making any traction toward true relational and communication intimacy.
If you want to enhance your communication skills with your partner, the following are the do’s and don’ts of active listening.
Dos and Don’ts of Active Listening
Do listen with an open mind.
Do put away distractions and focus on the person who is speaking.
Don’t make assumptions or preconceived beliefs about what they are saying.
Do summarize, rephrase, and clarify what is being said to be sure that you understand what they are saying.
Don’t criticize, shame, or blame the other person for sharing their thoughts and feelings.
Do empathize with the feelings of the other, and work toward an understanding/solution that works for both of you going forward.
After you’ve practiced these skills a bit, here are a few questions that may help you and your partner to get closer. Remember to keep practicing the above for the best results!
4 Questions to Understand Your Partner Better
When you: (examples: cross your arms, close off, shut down, speak faster), what are you (examples: feeling/thinking/needing/wanting)?
What do you wish I would understand about you (right now, in times like these, when this type of situation happens) that I don’t seem to get or keep missing?
Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved, appreciated, or cared about?
What are the thing(s) I do that make you feel the most loved? What would you like me to stop doing so that you will feel more loved?
Effective communication includes active listening, and both can be had by intentional practice. Even if it feels artificial at first or uncomfortable, being able to grow in your use of these tools can lead to greater relationship connection and satisfaction. Time, practice, and intentional actions add up over time, and the result is healthier interactions, greater satisfaction, and deeper fulfillment for both you and your partner.
If you find it too difficult to sort through the difficult communication patterns that you and your partner repeat over and over and can’t seem to get to a breakthrough together, reach out to us. One of our counselors would love to help you gain the skills you need to reach your relationship goals.