Active Listening Guidelines: 4 Questions to Help You Understand Your Partner Better

As soon as Beth and Tony got in the therapist’s door, they started to share their perspective with the therapist of what the other should be doing differently than what they were.  After several sessions of this, the therapist reflected that while each of them is talking about each other and the situation to the therapist, neither of them is talking with their partner. As any therapist who has worked with couples for longer than a few minutes can attest, individuals often come into counseling because they feel unheard, disrespected, or unimportant to their partner.  However, it isn’t always that the couples disagree with each other’s perspectives but rather that they are not actually attending to what is being said and what is needed by the other.  

Active listening can help couples to get off of the hamster wheel of going around and around without making any traction toward true relational and communication intimacy.  

If you want to enhance your communication skills with your partner, the following are the do’s and don’ts of active listening.

Dos and Don’ts of Active Listening

Do listen with an open mind.

Do put away distractions and focus on the person who is speaking.

Don’t make assumptions or preconceived beliefs about what they are saying.

Do summarize, rephrase, and clarify what is being said to be sure that you understand what they are saying.

Don’t criticize, shame, or blame the other person for sharing their thoughts and feelings.

Do empathize with the feelings of the other, and work toward an understanding/solution that works for both of you going forward.

After you’ve practiced these skills a bit, here are a few questions that may help you and your partner to get closer.  Remember to keep practicing the above for the best results!

4 Questions to Understand Your Partner Better

1. When you: (examples: cross your arms, close off, shut down, speak faster), what are you (examples: feeling/thinking/needing/wanting)?  

2. What do you wish I would understand about you (right now, in times like these, when this type of situation happens) that I don’t seem to get or keep missing?  

3. Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved, appreciated, or cared about?

4. What are the thing(s) I do that make you feel the most loved?  What would you like me to stop doing so that you will feel more loved?

   Effective communication includes active listening, and both can be had by intentional practice.  Even if it feels artificial at first or uncomfortable, being able to grow in your use of these tools can lead to greater relationship connection and satisfaction.  Time, practice, and intentional actions add up over time, and the result is healthier interactions, greater satisfaction, and deeper fulfillment for both you and your partner.

   If you find it too difficult to sort through the difficult communication patterns that you and your partner repeat over and over and can’t seem to get to a breakthrough together, reach out to us.  One of our counselors would love to help you gain the skills you need to reach your relationship goals.

Am I Being Religiously or Spiritually Abused?

Religious or spiritual abuse is a topic that is a tricky subject to discuss because the very nature of belonging to a religious community or subscribing to a certain belief structure can sometimes make it challenging to know if a legitimate premise of the overall structure is to be adhered to as a valuable and healthy tenet or if it is something that isn’t right and unhealthy. Since right and wrong are often the guidelines that Spiritual communities serve, it can get confusing as to whether those things that don’t sit with us don’t sit with us because we are committing some kind of human error or because we are actually picking up on something toxic from the human organization or any corrupt human beings in the organization that is contaminating something otherwise good.   

For instance, in the general Christian belief system, divorce is not something that is endorsed.  So, some women feel they must submit to their husband’s bad treatment of them so that they can do what is supposedly “right” in God’s sight.  The problem with this is that if the religious entity the couple belongs to does not challenge the husband’s poor behaviors and support the wife, they are actually going against God’s design of not enabling sin.  The abuse is that the woman God cares about is being abused by sin and being treated such that an “institution” is more important than the person, which is not at all the Biblical meaning.

Yet, left unchallenged, this can be confusing to people who think that if they just “suck it up” they will be doing what they need to do to be spiritually safe.

Questions You May Have:

-Am I Just Not A Good Enough Follower?  Am I Wrong or Are They?

-Am I Making Too Big a Deal Out of This?

-Am I The Only One Who Feels This Way?

-Would I Have Any Support If I Speak Up or Rock the Boat?  

-Could It Get Worse for Me In Some Way If I Speak Up?

Healthy Spirituality and Institutions Allow You to Disagree

God Himself gives each human being the free will to choose whether they believe in Him and want to submit their lives to His Lordship or not.  It is about relationship and not force or manipulation.  

If religious leaders are not giving you the ability to choose for yourself who you will serve and what you will believe, they are trying to take away a basic right that God Himself has given to you.  So, if that is something you are experiencing, run.

Here are other indicators you may want to look for to determine if you are being religiously or spiritually abused:

Questioning Is Not Allowed

• Forcing or Badgering Into An Action or Inaction Is Taking Place

• Leadership Is Not Open to Their Own Growth and Correction Needs

• Things You Say or Do Are Being Twisted

• Personal Accountability Is For Everyone Else but Not Leadership

• Leadership is Telling You the Way They See It Rather Than What God’s Word Says

Ways You Can Determine If You Are In A Spiritually Abusive Situation

• Pray and Look at What the Bible Says on the Topic

• Seek out and Speak to Someone Outside of the Organization Whom You Respect

• Keep Seeking Clarity Until You are Satisfied You Have The Information You Need To Make A Healthy Decision. 

• Tune Into Your Body.  Is your stomach constantly in knots around someone in spite of you trying to believe the best in them and give them the benefit of the doubt?  Do you wake with nightmares or feel ashamed and embarrassed for speaking up?  Take these as potential clues that something isn’t quite right.

Healthy people are willing to have a two way discussion where differences of opinion and questions can be tolerated.  If you need a safe place to unpack what you are experiencing and think it might be spiritual or religious abuse, please reach out to us here: 541-275-0412

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle

Why Can’t My Spouse Just Get Over My Affair Already?

Whether sexual in nature or strictly emotional, affairs take place when needs that are to be met inside one’s marriage are sought to be met outside of it.  

It might start as a fairly innocent encounter with someone who appears to be able to provide what pre-straying spouse may feel they lack, be it understanding, respect, excitement, power, desirability, escape, admiration, or whatever the trait may be.  

One thing leads to another, and the lines begin to blur.  Justification starts to take place, excuses, and maybe even guilt.  However, once things are in motion, it is often difficult to find the strength to do the right thing(s)… come clean, make a break, ask for forgiveness, seek reconciliation.  

So, when a straying spouse makes the difficult choices to take responsibility, come clean, and decide to rebuild from the damage, it may be frustrating to be met with hoop after hoop to jump through to prove to their spouse that they have changed and are able to be trusted now.

Research seems to indicate that 60-80% of couples who have experienced an affair are able to recover and stay married.  

While difficult, it is possible to come through an affair stronger than ever.

However, the process may seem to be dragging along too long and feel as if it is just a guilt and bashing session to the offending spouse with little assurance that things will be resolved any time soon.  Why is this?

Some of the reasons for this include:

• While the offender has had time and knowledge of the affair and the events and specifics of it, the faithful spouse likely has been blindsided to some degree with the news well after the fact, and has not been included in the details.

• The unknown details can leave the faithful spouse feeling uncertain as to whether there is more information being currently withheld.

• The unknown details can also leave the faithful spouse feeling like they can’t gauge how safe they are, as they don’t know what they don’t know.

• To feel that the perceived threat to the safety of their marriage is over, the faithful spouse may feel the need to ask questions, verify the answers over and over again to make sure they are true, and basically see if they can muster up the courage to build trust again with someone who previously committed to be faithful. He or she may wonder, “If he/she could do it once, what stops him/her from doing it again?”  “How can I know that I can really trust him/her this time?”

• The initial shock and information is just the beginning of the process for the offended spouse to learn the new terrain they are now navigating.  As time goes on and processing of events happens, your spouse may want to clarify, understand any information that seems to be contradictory, or share further to make sure you truly understand how your behavior has hurt and impacted him/her.

While each couple’s situation is different, the offending spouse will do best to leave the timeframe of the affair recovery process up to the offended party and can expect to the following to make their partner feel safe and able to trust again eventually:

• Express a compassionate willingness to answer any and all questions from your spouse to their level of satisfaction or need.

• Answer each question about affair specifics that your spouse asks without defensiveness or evasion.  This helps your spouse to feel let in on the “secrets” you shared with someone else, so that he/she can feel connected to the once hidden parts of you.

• Explain how things are different now, why you are choosing your spouse over the affair, and what you are doing to demonstrate integrity now.  Actions such as stating where you are going, when you will be home, who you will be visiting, allowing your spouse unrestricted access to your phone or computer, and submitting to becoming an “open book” can help.

• Offer regularly scheduled check-in times each week where the two of you can discuss the topic of the affair and further work on healing through communicating any information that is still needed.  In this way, you and your spouse might be able to get back to a sense of “regular” life while not brushing the affair under the rug but simply “containing” it to an appropriate degree and time and place.

• Become a person of integrity.  Let your words and your actions line up in truth.

• Seek out individual and couples’ therapy so that your needs, thoughts, and feelings, as well as your spouses can be heard in a constructive way, but expect to attend to your spouse’s needs, thoughts, and feelings primarily in the beginning days and weeks.

• Sincerely apologize for and turn away from such behavior and continue to do so as the need arises.

If you could use help for your individual needs or for couples’ work as you seek to work on affair recovery, please reach out to us for counseling by contacting us at: 541-275-0412

Is Porn Harmful?

Porn is harmful, but an even better question is, “Why is it harmful?”  

Consider the following scenario that plays out in homes every day.  Husband stays up late scrolling on his phone while wife is asleep, notices something that gets his attention and clicks.  Before he knows it, he’s doing it the next night, then during lunch break the next day.  Finally, he is so caught up in this addictive behavior because of the feel good chemicals that it brings to his system.  He’s hooked.

Porn is Harmful Because It Takes Away Your Power To Stop It Easily

The brain then gets wired in such a way to want more and more of the “hit.”  Over time, the erotic Hollywood version of sex, including it’s unwholesome and degrading acts does two things: 

It builds an unrealistic and quite pretend experience in the individual.  The porn user is connecting with a mirage rather than a real, live, human person.  This leads to unrealistic expectations of the type of mutual enjoyment that a connection with another human, especially a spouse is supposed to have, and it hinders true connection with the intricacies of human relationships and the necessities of being truly known in truth, respect, care, selflessness, patience, kindness, self-control.  It basically just robs both the viewer and their spouse of what’s rightfully theirs and the true connection they can have together in real life.

Porn Leads to Unrealistic Expectations and Hinders True Intimacy

Also, because porn wires your brain in such a way that you need more and more of it to turn you on, it makes you seek out further arousal, upping the ante over time because of the hijacking of your brain chemicals and makes it easier for you to consume images you may have even found repulsive at an earlier time.  That’s no way to go into a real-life relationship.

Porn also objectifies the body, making images of it to be used rather than respected as creations of God.  This just will never go anywhere good.

Porn Erodes Trust

Lastly, porn erodes trust.  When a commitment is made to another human being, there are certain expectations of exclusivity, the idea that this special area of life and action is going to be viewed and shared alone in that union.  

When a partner of a porn watcher finds out, they may feel like they’ve been lied to, like they are not comparable, good enough, or preferred, and insecure as to what they mean to the other.  Porn takes away a spouse’s sense of trust and safety. 

It is often hidden and therefore, when found out or confessed, it leads one’s spouse to wonder what else may have been betrayed, lied about, or fake.

Porn Fuels Exploitation

Lastly, the porn industry is a money-making machine that is often has connections with sex trafficking and the use and abuse of the people involved.

There is nothing about porn that leads to positive results.  It leads to isolation, disrespect, and harmful behaviors because it is based in self satisfaction rather than caring about the needs of others.

If you could use some help working through porn addiction or in building more intimacy in your relationship, reach out to us: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

Listening to What Isn’t Being Said

While spouses often wish that their significant other could read their minds to make things easier, there is no magical way to be sure that mental telepathy is possible besides talking with one another and communicating effectively.  However, in such communication, it is possible to come across as amazingly in tune and caring when you practice the art of listening to what isn’t being said.

To listen to what isn’t being said, it is important to realize that communication takes place in ways that are more than simply words being uttered or written.  Non-verbal communication can speak volumes.  

Non-verbals are things like a long pause after a sentence, a glance or slight shift of the body in one direction or another during a talk, the way arms fall open or hold tightly close across one’s chest.

If you want to become an expert listener, pay attention to the words, for sure.  Yet, pay attention to the following for even more clarification on the message being sent your way.

Pay Attention to What Body Language Might Mean-If someone is saying one thing with words, but their movements and body positioning is not seeming to agree, the person might be battling what they want inside of themselves.  If this is confusing to you, this might be a good time to speak up and say something like, “I hear what you are saying, but I’m wondering if you can tell me if there is something else going on because your words say one thing, but it seems your body language is saying another.”

Notice the Energy Level of the Other Person- If someone’s words speed up, they might be in a hurry, or they might be frustrated, or they might be anxious.  While you may not be able to tell exactly, noticing the speed at which someone speaks can give you more information that what is being verbally said.  For instance, if a person stutters, they might be nervous, or their mind might be racing with many thoughts at once.  If a person repeats what they have just said another time or  two within the same dialogue, they might be unsure if they are being taken seriously or if they are being heard and understood with their point being gotten across.

Listen for the Feeling Underneath the Words- Watching for facial expressions that might look like a certain emotion is being conveyed can add to the depth of the words you are hearing.

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes-Considering how you would feel if you were in the same situation and with the same considerations that they other is in can help you to see things from a new perspective that may better inform the message you are getting.

Pay Attention to the Volume-Noticing if someone’s volume increases with their words could mean that they are passionate about something, think something is particularly important, or feel that they are not being understood.  Noticing if someone’s volume decreases might be indicating that they are uncertain, timid, or nervous about what they are saying.  Noticing a monotone might convey some sadness, apathy, or depression under the surface.

While you can never be certain that you are fully understanding someone else unless they confirm it for you, these tips may help you to listen to what isn’t being said so that you can grow in connection to those important to you.

If you could use assistance sorting through your interactions with others and getting clear on how you feel and think, counseling can help.  Let us know if we can help by contacting us at 541-236-3057.

Guest blog writing by Michelle Croyle

Time Out vs. Checking Out

Something that has come up a lot recently, both during sessions and in my personal life, is the difference between taking a time out vs. checking out.  When working with couples I often have them take a time out when having an argument and begin to feel themselves getting emotionally heightened.  When I say emotionally heightened I don’t just mean getting frustrated.  A time out comes into play when you and your partner realize that the discussion is going nowhere because emotions are taking over.  Experiencing feelings is natural, when they take over they are no longer beneficial.  Go ahead and take a break then come back!

What often gets lost is: “What do we do during our time out?”  Great question because this is where we often check out!  Checking out is when we use distraction to numb ourselves.  This may look like watching TV or scrolling through our phones.  Feeling a little called out right now?  Trust me, I did too when I first took a step back and asked myself why timeouts were not helping.  We often think that taking 15-20 minutes to distract ourselves is enough to help regulate our bodies and come back to a rational conversation.  The issue I ran into was that when I came back after taking a “time out”  I initially felt calm,  but I was instantly heightened as soon as my partner began talking again.  Why was this happening???  Because I was actually checking out.  Instead of taking those 15-20 (or the agreed upon time out length) to intentionally regulate my body, I was numbing my mind with distraction which provides the false sense that I have taken control over my emotions again. 

When I say use this time out intentionally, that can mean a million different things, so don’t feel discouraged if what you do to regulate is not mentioned!  Something that I have found extremely beneficial, and clients have reported similar experiences, is to practice mindfulness.  If you don’t know where to start, I would recommend the Calm App or the Headspace App.  Both these apps can guide you through mindfulness practices that can help release stress and other emotions that build up during an argument or just throughout the day. You can also check out Youtube and look through other guided meditations.  Meditation allows our bodies the time and space they need to regulate and relax into a calmer state.  Many of you may say, “Meditation isn’t for me! I don’t have time to sit around and breathe.”  I felt a similar way to be honest.  I started small, with 30 second breathing exercises and body check ins and increased the time I could practice as my mindfulness muscles grew.  Focus on regulating your breathing while doing a scan of your body mentally to see where you are holding tensions (or any emotion).  See how relaxed you are afterwards!

I prefaced this as an exercise that I do with couples, but it works great individually as well!  We are busy people and are often defined by how productive we can be in a day.  This can be overwhelming for sure.  Take 30 minutes out of your day, and don’t tell me you don’t have time, because this was an excuse I used all the time.  Maybe you take this time out of watching TV or scrolling through your phone, and take a time out.  Intentionally connect with your body and emotions.  Reading is something I have loved doing since I was a young child, but after going through school and entering the “real world” with work and relationships, I found myself setting books to the side and saying I didn’t have time for them.  This felt true to me at the time, because as a child I would read for hours at a time, finishing a book in two days instead of two weeks like I do now.  How did I shift my mindset here?  I now use reading as a kind of meditation and mindfulness.  I realized that reading for 15 minutes a day is better for me than not reading at all!  Now, reading is my example, but I imagine you can switch out reading for anything that brings you small amounts of joy and peace in our busy lives!

With everything I have said, I would also like to point out that watching TV and scrolling through our phones is not always a bad thing.  I still spend more time than I would like to admit doing both of those things.  But if we can reduce it even a little bit, we can use that time to increase our ability to participate in activities that often get pushed to the side. 

How To Invest In Your Relationship

We have talked about daily dialogue and annual evaluations, now let's talk about date night!  We have extremely busy lives and it is often difficult to create time with our partner… and only our partner.  Which is why it is so important to find a way to connect with each other.  One way to establish this routine is to put it on the calendar.  Just putting it on the calendar is not enough though, we must be intentional and follow through.  It has to be a priority.  It is important to create a space together where you only talk about each other.  Don’t talk about children or finances, both of which are really important aspects of our lives, but date night is a space to really dive into your relationship and explore who you are together.  When we do this, we are putting weekly deposits into each other’s emotional bank account.  

After being together for many years it can be difficult to find excitement in each other at times.  If you find yourself struggling with this, think back to when you were first dating.  What did you do together that you found joy in?  Maybe you could recreate an old date!  As we go through life we also change, I doubt you and your partner are the same people you were when you first met.  Sit down together and explore activities that you both find interesting and begin doing those activities together.  I have also had couples come in and tell me that they have nothing in common anymore which may be preventing them from spending much time together.  This can be an opportunity to try new things together.  Maybe you take a class together.  Or you could also try spending time together participating in activities that one of the partners enjoys.  Trade off weeks and take the chance to gain a deeper understanding into each other.  

Something we have talked about previously is the idea that what we focus on grows.  If you are showing intention and attention to the details of planning your date as well as executing the plans, you will continue to make deposits into your partner's emotional bank account and even your own!  If you are finding that you have a difficult time wanting to be a part of the planning and even at times participating in the date, take a step back and explore this feeling.  Just because you are feeling a sense of dread it does not mean that it has anything to do with your partner.  Maybe you had an unexpectedly difficult day at work and you are feeling emotionally tapped. It is okay to be open and honest with your partner and let them know how you are feeling.  I mentioned above how important it is to experience follow through, but flexibility is also important.  As long as you don’t make it a habit to push date night off you will be okay.  If you need to push off date night so you are able to be present and refreshed that is more important.  

Date night does not always have to mean going out to dinner and a movie, you can also participate in quality time without spending money.  Sit down with your partner and have an open discussion about what you are or are not comfortable with for a budget.  A date can include going on a hike, paddle boarding, or going to a local park.  Any time spent together and continuing to create shared meaning is what the goal of date night is. 

What God Tells Us About Love

A quick disclaimer for those of you who may be new to this blog, I write from a Christian perspective and this week we will be discussing the Bible more than we typically do.  I won’t be quoting scripture, but we will look at Genesis 1 & 2 and what God tells us about love.  So let’s jump right in!

We are told in Genesis that God created humans and he made us in his image.  Because of that we have inherent godliness within us.  We are human though and don’t always recognize this godliness.  How we feel about ourselves will reflect how we love ourselves and others.  In other words, we have to start with an understanding of how much God loves each and every one of us.  When God created Adam he recognized that he needed a partner and should not have to be alone.  The love that resulted from that partnership was pure and godly until sin was introduced.  This sin is part of the reason couples struggle so much today.  Being in relationships with others is never easy because none of us are perfect.  It is a great reminder that because none of us are perfect we need to continue working on how we show up with those around us. 

One joy of watching couples come together in marriage, or enter long-term relationships, is seeing them become their own unit.  Until this occurs, our nuclear (immediate) family is our parents and siblings.  Once you enter into marriage your partner, and later children if you choose to have them, become your immediate family.  It is important to “leave and cleave” from your family of origin when you.  This does not mean you have to cut them off and walk away, but differentiating from them and growing closer and relying more on your partner is important.  Imagine a target.  The bullseye, or most inner circle, is your nuclear family (partner and children).  The next ring becomes your parents and siblings.  If you are a dart player you know that the next outside ring still holds good point value.  Moving away from your parents and towards your partner is a natural and healthy part of life.  

Something else we learn about biblical love is that we can’t do it on our own.  He teaches us what unconditional love is.  When we enter into relationships we are often surprised when we learn that people have different ways of showing their love and interacting.  If we don’t come together and find ways to communicate with our partner, or within any relationship, there is bound to be conflict.  We may also learn that what we learned as children from our family of origin may not have been the healthiest or most effective way of communicating.  This is where individual therapy can be helpful because it can provide a space to work through the disappointment and frustration that can come with change.  

The most important thing that biblical love teaches us though is to live through respect, kindness and compassion.  This means acting this way towards ourselves first and then extending that to others.  Being kind to yourself first has been mentioned in almost every post because it is truly that important.  If you find yourself struggling to be kind to others, or sense yourself living in a perfectionism mindset, take a minute to step back and address what you think about yourself.  Once this is done you can start living in a way that God is able to shine through.  

How to Move Forward After Betrayal

In our last post we explored what betrayal is, different types and the consequences that come with it.  As promised, this week we explore how to begin the process of moving forward.  There is no right or wrong way to begin moving forward due to the fact that everyone defines what betrayal is differently and experiences it differently.  When someone first becomes aware of betrayal the sense of bewilderment is not uncommon.  This can be overwhelming as they also start to question their reality.  What is true; what has been true; has anything been true; can I trust any of our experiences together?  Once all of these thoughts have thoroughly overwhelmed you and you have had a chance to process your feelings, the next question is often “What now?”

So, where do we go from here?  The first and most important step if you want to repair your relationship through a trauma is to completely stop the betrayal/unfaithfulness for any kind of reconciliation to occur.  As we explored last time betrayal can occur in many different ways and for many different reasons.  One reason being that there is a lack of boundaries, on both ends of the partnership.  There is of course the obvious lack of boundaries on the side where a partner crosses the agreed upon rules of the relationship, but the less obvious lack of boundaries is on the side of the partner who was hurt.  An example of this may be that they were unable to express what their needs were within the relationship, thus not setting boundaries.  This was not said to place blame on one partner over the other!  Next week we will explore personal responsibility in regard to betrayal, but let’s get back on track for now.

If the first step is to end any kind of current betrayal, the second most important is participating in active listening.  The goal of communication is to understand each other.  Where is the other person at right now, where are they coming from, what’s going on currently?  These are just a few sample questions to ask yourself as you are listening to your partner.  One way to remember the goal of active listening is the phrase, learn each other's why.   It is also important to accept that each party will need to process their experiences and feelings and this may come out as venting.  We have to be okay with this without getting wrapped up in our own pain and defensiveness.  This is where a third party can be helpful if the venting becomes destructive and blaming.  A third party can look like participating in therapy or even with a friend, though a friend may not be as objective.  

The difference between defensiveness and assertiveness is the amount of doing things that are easy vs. doing things that are hard.  Defensiveness is the easy route because feeling contempt and anger are close to the surface when we feel betrayed, but it just compounds the issue and can make the other person feel defensive as well.  Assertiveness is hard and can lead to vulnerability.  When we are assertive we own up to our own experiences and are able to express what is going on for you without making it all about the other person (blaming).  By being vulnerable and assertive we can also reach out with understanding.  This is not the same as agreeing.  I doubt many individuals who have felt betrayed agree with their partner’s actions, but they can reach out with understanding as they listen to their partner's experiences as well as their own.  

Here is a quick overview of an outline towards recovery.  The first step is to accept what happened and taking it one day at a time.  When we step out of denial we can begin the long road of recovery.  We must then give both ourselves and our partners grace.  This means that we realize we will both falter in the process of reconciliation and make mistakes.  We have to give ourselves grace to experience all of our feelings and process our experiences.  Next, keep the channels of communication open! Talk to your partner about how you are feeling and allow them to as well.  The communication channel can even look like simple daily dialogue.  Next is to establish boundaries.  Tell your partner what your needs are and explore theirs as well.  Finally, seek out help.  Go see a counselor!  This may look like individual and/or couples counseling.  If you choose this route give it time.  Just physically going into the office does not solve the problem, it takes personal investment and time.  Remember from our previous post that recovery from a betrayal can take an average of five years.   If you and your partner do decide to end your relationship, counseling can still be extremely helpful.  There are still wounds that need to be healed and if you decide to enter into a future relationship, you won’t be carrying as much of the pain and hurt.  

It is not weak to get help.  In fact, it carries an incredible amount of strength due to the very nature of vulnerability that is needed. 

Are you playing with your partner?

When it comes to connecting with another person, one of the most natural ways we do this is seen in the behavior of children…PLAY!

Often our experience of the mundane aspects of life gets in the way of being able to have fun or enjoy something creative and novel. And then if you add stressors from work, maintaining the house, or relationship conflict, play is generally the furthest thing from your mind.

The ironic thing about play is that it is an executive function in our brain that creates social bonding, opens creative opportunities, and produces natural healing properties in the body.* You may be thinking… what do you mean play…

Here are a few examples of play as adults:

• plan a picnic

• take a long hike or drive together

• explore a town you have both wanted to visit

• choose and learn a new game together

• plan a meal and invite friends over

• choose a new restaurant or cuisine to try

• learn a new language together

• rent a tandem bicycle

How do play with your partner? What are some things you can try to breathe new life into your relationship by playing together?

I’d love to hear your stories with this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your counseling journey, you can start here.