Active Listening Guidelines: 4 Questions to Help You Understand Your Partner Better

As soon as Beth and Tony got in the therapist’s door, they started to share their perspective with the therapist of what the other should be doing differently than what they were.  After several sessions of this, the therapist reflected that while each of them is talking about each other and the situation to the therapist, neither of them is talking with their partner. As any therapist who has worked with couples for longer than a few minutes can attest, individuals often come into counseling because they feel unheard, disrespected, or unimportant to their partner.  However, it isn’t always that the couples disagree with each other’s perspectives but rather that they are not actually attending to what is being said and what is needed by the other.  

Active listening can help couples to get off of the hamster wheel of going around and around without making any traction toward true relational and communication intimacy.  

If you want to enhance your communication skills with your partner, the following are the do’s and don’ts of active listening.

Dos and Don’ts of Active Listening

Do listen with an open mind.

Do put away distractions and focus on the person who is speaking.

Don’t make assumptions or preconceived beliefs about what they are saying.

Do summarize, rephrase, and clarify what is being said to be sure that you understand what they are saying.

Don’t criticize, shame, or blame the other person for sharing their thoughts and feelings.

Do empathize with the feelings of the other, and work toward an understanding/solution that works for both of you going forward.

After you’ve practiced these skills a bit, here are a few questions that may help you and your partner to get closer.  Remember to keep practicing the above for the best results!

4 Questions to Understand Your Partner Better

1. When you: (examples: cross your arms, close off, shut down, speak faster), what are you (examples: feeling/thinking/needing/wanting)?  

2. What do you wish I would understand about you (right now, in times like these, when this type of situation happens) that I don’t seem to get or keep missing?  

3. Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved, appreciated, or cared about?

4. What are the thing(s) I do that make you feel the most loved?  What would you like me to stop doing so that you will feel more loved?

   Effective communication includes active listening, and both can be had by intentional practice.  Even if it feels artificial at first or uncomfortable, being able to grow in your use of these tools can lead to greater relationship connection and satisfaction.  Time, practice, and intentional actions add up over time, and the result is healthier interactions, greater satisfaction, and deeper fulfillment for both you and your partner.

   If you find it too difficult to sort through the difficult communication patterns that you and your partner repeat over and over and can’t seem to get to a breakthrough together, reach out to us.  One of our counselors would love to help you gain the skills you need to reach your relationship goals.

How to Have That Difficult Conversation with Your Spouse

Every marriage has times where communication comes easy and free, but every marriage also has times when topics come up that present opportunities where more difficult conversations need to be had.  Although they may be uncomfortable, if they are necessary, there are some techniques that can make them easier to navigate.

Here Are Some Tips to Help

Select An Appropriate Time- Don’t bring up a difficult conversation topic in the middle of an argument or when you don’t have time to see it through to an effective resolution.  Select a time when you are both going to be well-rested, able to navigate difficult feelings, and select a place that is distraction free and without others around.

Set the Expectation- Let your spouse know that you would like to set-up a time to discuss xyz.  Ask your spouse if they are willing to set aside some time to really talk about this and work through it.  

Speak Gently- A gentle tone of voice is something that the Bible tells us can turn away wrath.  It’s true, the tone in which conversations are shared can make a big difference between putting the other person on the defensive and being heard in a spirit of understanding and cooperation.

Stay Respectful- Remember that you each have your individual thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, and that is healthy and completely okay.  However, each person should also feel that they can share their viewpoints, wants, and needs without being put down or criticized.  

Identify Your Main Points and Your Desired Outcome- Having a difficult conversation can be complicated when you try to bring up multiple topics at once for discussion or when you feel many emotions at once.  

Prior to beginning the discussion, try to identify: 

1) Your main point 

2) What you feel, need, and want  

3) What you believe you understand your spouse to want 

4) An identified end goal that will work for both of you.

For instance, if you want to discuss selling the house, you might want to discuss your main point of wanting to wait until the warmer weather begins before listing it.  

Stating your points in the following format can help:  When you say you want to put the house up for sale next week, I feel stressed and need to feel I have enough time to emotionally transition to the plan.  Would you please be willing to consider pushing out the timeframe until June?  I understand that you would like to do it sooner, so I am willing to support that if you can’t wait until June, but I really need at least a month to be ready to list it.

Take Turns and Do Not Interupt- Allow each person to have their say and to clarify with each other to be sure both parties understand the other’s point of view and needs.

Match Feelings and Logic With Each Other- Try to match emotions expressed by each other with empathic emotional understanding and logical points expressed by each other with logical connections.  Many frustrations happen when couples meet emotions with logic and vice versa.

Example of the way not to do it:

Spouse 1: I am so angry right now at my mom that I could scream. (Emotion)

Spouse 2: You better not say anything to her, or she might not babysit tomorrow night. (Logic)

Result: Spouse 1 feels Spouse 2 only cares about tomorrow night’s plans and not about their feelings.

Example of the better way to do it:

Spouse 1: I am so angry right now at my mom that I could scream. (Emotion)

Spouse 2: I am sorry she is frustrating you so much.  Can I do anything to help you feel better? (Emotion)

Spouse 1: Thank, but I think I just needed to vent.  I don’t want to say anything to her now, or we might lose our sitter for tomorrow. (Logic)

Spouse 2: That makes sense. You can talk to her this weekend if you want. (Logic)

Result: By matching like with like, both individuals feel heard.

Work Towards the Win-Win- The best difficult conversations end with a resolution that works for both parties.  Sometimes there is not a perfect solution, but if you both determine to look out for each other’s needs and to work with each other in respectful understanding and negotiation, you can both benefit, grow closer to each other, and resolve difficulties quicker and more effectively.

If you and your spouse could use some help in your relationship to have the hard conversations and find a way through to the other side, give us a call: 5541-275-0412

Blog written by Michelle Croyle

How Magical Thinking Destroys Intimacy

Magical thinking is that deceptive blend of imagination and hope that leads a person to believe that they can expect certain actions or events in spite of the lack of factors that in reality can cause the desired effect.

Let’s look at an example of this principle in action in the following anecdote.

Nancy Gets Upset with Her Husband, Bob For Going to a Baseball Game  

Bob came home from work one day and told Nancy that he had gotten a ticket to go to a professional baseball game at the local stadium the following week as a perk of his job and would like to go.  He, then, asked Nancy if she’d mind it if he went.  

Nancy, then, said, “No, go if you want to go.”  

Bob said, “Okay, I’d like that.”  So, Bob went to the game.

On the day of the game, Nancy moped around the house, gave abrupt answers to Bob, and snarled at the kids.  That evening, while Bob was at the game, Nancy broke down in tears and called her friend.

“Why are you so upset,” her friend asked.

“Because, Bob went to the baseball game tonight.”

“Why didn’t he stay home or have you go with him?”  The friend asked.

“Well, he asked me if I minded if he’d go,” said Nancy.

“Okay, then why are you upset?” Her friend asked.  

“Because,” said Nancy, “if he really loved me, he would know that when I said I didn’t mind if he went to the ballgame that I really did mind, and he should be able to read my mind and what I really meant.  I really wanted him to stay home with me, but I didn’t want to tell him that.  He should have known what I really wanted.” 

Mixed Signals

Nancy told Bob one thing and meant another.  She then expected him to read her mind.  She also got mad at Bob when he did nothing wrong but try to communicate with her.  

Nancy was using magical thinking when she expected Bob to read her mind, if he loved her enough.

She was not only implying that Bob had some sort of super mindreading power but was also imposing her judgment on whether his love was enough.  Nancy put both herself and Bob into a rough spot with her magical thinking.  This resulted in her being upset, and it probably didn’t go too well for Bob when he got home.  The was likely very surprised to come home to a mad and sad wife for no reason that he could clearly understand.

Intimacy Requires Trust, Honesty, and Vulnerability

Intimacy requires trust, honesty, and vulnerability.  Magical thinking, which expects results and outcomes which are different from the initial input that results in the outcome erodes all of these ingredients in good, healthy communication between people.

In the case of Nancy and Bob, Nancy’s magical thinking not only made her miserable, but it also left Bob at a disadvantage.  He thought he was acting in line with what his wife wanted only to be left with displeasing her through no fault of his own.

Nancy could have saved them both a lot of trouble if she had been honest, vulnerable, and ultimately trustworthy and simply said something like, “I would rather you stay home because I’ll miss you, but if you want to go, it just means you like baseball and not that you don’t want to be with me, right?”

Bob would then have been able to make a choice based on her honest input, and he would have had the opportunity to reaffirm that he loves her.  These actions would have built intimacy between the two and not torn it apart nor hurt each other.

Be like Bob, not like Nancy.

If you could you some help with your relational communication, please contact us: 541-275-0412

Peace Keeping vs Peace Making

A teenager was sharing with her mother about an issue that some others were having in their relationship.  The teen was close enough to those involved that she was emotionally aware of the stress but not actively engaged in the conflict.  In trying to help her daughter to navigate such tricky relationships, the mother gave the following advice, “Just keep your mouth shut.”  

Of course, this mom was attempting to be helpful and to keep her child out of arguments, drama, and chaos, but what she actually was doing was advising her daughter to walk away from being a potential source of help and support to those about whom she cares.  Perhaps, by taking part in the conflict right outside her proverbial front door, she could actually help her friends in their resolution.  

While what her mom advised may sound like a piece of solid wisdom, it is actually, fundamentally flawed.  There are times that it may be wise or even beneficial to remain silent, but there are many other times where seeking to be a peace keeper rather than a peace maker is doing more harm than good.  In these times, peace keeping can be harmful, and peace making can be beneficial.

What is the Difference Between Peace Keeping and Peace Making?

The following are some Key Reasons Peace Keeping Can Be Harmful:

• Peace Keeping can be an avoidance technique that allows sin to continue unchallenged.

• Peace Keeping is an attempt to manage what things seem to be on a surface level and fails to address the deeper and more meaningful roots of issues where true growth can happen when these places are directly addressed.

• Peace Keeping can keep important information silent when what really would be helpful is for it to be known.

• Peace Keeping can unintentionally serve as a silent endorsement of something that is clearly wrong by omitting the opportunity to disagree and take an appropriate stand for something that is not okay.

• Peace Keeping can leave others alone as the peace keeper neglects standing up for people who deserve it and neglects confronting what needs to be confronted.

• Peace Keeping focuses more upon covering up conflict rather than truly building up those involved.

In truth, avoiding taking a stand or speaking up isn’t always helpful, but it may provide the allusion of being a good thing.

Key Reasons Peace Making Can Be Helpful:

• When truth is spoken, it challenges the lies and changes hearts

• Peace making is internally edifying in the peace maker and in those people and situations that the peace maker speaks truth into

• It encourages others to become the best versions of themselves

• A peace maker can help to break down the obstacles that get in the way of true connection with others, and this can open the way to health in the situation or relationship.

So, if you find that you are acting more as a peace keeper than a peace maker, I encourage you to consider the cost of that surface level peace.  It may just be more costly than you imagined, especially if confronting people and issues in an appropriate way now may save years of further conflict down the road for all involved.

Earning Forgiveness Is More Than Saying, “I’m Sorry.”

While forgiveness is something anyone can choose to grant to another person at any time, it can be much easier to do when the person who caused the pain apologizes well, but many people don’t know what an effective apology looks like.  If you are one of these people who could use some help to understand why simply saying, “Sorry” may not be enough, read on.  You just may become a high-quality apologizer.

When Gwen tried to tell her husband that she was hurt by something he did, and he responded, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” Gwen went ballistic.  To some that might sound ridiculous, after all, they might reason, he apologized.  However, to Gwen, he did no such thing.  

She didn’t want him to feel sorry for how she felt.  After all, her emotions were understandable given the situation, and while they didn’t feel pleasant to her, her feelings were a natural response in her body to an offense she felt was committed. So, she didn’t think that her husband quite seemed to acknowledge what she needed from him.

Gwen wanted her husband to understand what he did and said that resulted in those feelings and to own up to the pain he had caused her.  She wanted him to acknowledge how he hurt her, to state how he intends to fix the wrong, and to own his part as well as his sorrow for how he hurt her.   In these ways, Gwen would feel understood, cared about, and find it much easier to feel like forgiving him.

Gwen wanted to forgive him, but she needed more than an “I’m sorry.”  She needed ownership, changed action, follow-through, and to truly be understood, with some remorse thrown in for good measure.  Her forgiveness would not mean that the offense(s) was okay, but it would release both herself and her husband from bitterness and disconnection that may result if the wound weren’t to be remedied appropriately. 

Even though her husband didn’t think that he did anything wrong and knew that he certainly didn’t do anything to hurt her intentionally, his response to her gave her the feeling of being brushed off, as if what he did that she was hurt by didn’t matter enough to him for him to try to understand…as if she didn’t mean enough to him for him to try to understand.

This, of course, is not what her husband was trying to do to her, but while Gwen could choose to forgive him and the actions with the hurt he caused, she didn’t feel like forgiving because she couldn’t tell if he really understood and really cared to make amends.

Gwen’s husband may have felt better to say the words that he’s sorry, but she wanted much more.  She wanted closeness, understanding, to be able to trust him with her heart, and emotional intimacy.

While apologies can help with forgiveness, if given insincerely, they can do more harm in a relationship than good.  This is why, even if the perceived offender does not believe they have anything to apologize for, the very fact that their loved one feels hurt is something to attend to so as to not inadvertently cause such pain again. Listening attentively, clarifying, expressing intention, and offering amends can go a long way in this sort of circumstance.

When a wrong has actually been committed, owning up to it, not making excuses or minimizing it, expressing a willingness to change or improve in some way, and follow through, as well as saying the actual words of “I’m sorry,” can lead to forgiveness being a much easier undertaking for the offended person.

If you need help with effective communication in your relationship, we’d be happy to help.  Please contact us at: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

Listening to What Isn’t Being Said

While spouses often wish that their significant other could read their minds to make things easier, there is no magical way to be sure that mental telepathy is possible besides talking with one another and communicating effectively.  However, in such communication, it is possible to come across as amazingly in tune and caring when you practice the art of listening to what isn’t being said.

To listen to what isn’t being said, it is important to realize that communication takes place in ways that are more than simply words being uttered or written.  Non-verbal communication can speak volumes.  

Non-verbals are things like a long pause after a sentence, a glance or slight shift of the body in one direction or another during a talk, the way arms fall open or hold tightly close across one’s chest.

If you want to become an expert listener, pay attention to the words, for sure.  Yet, pay attention to the following for even more clarification on the message being sent your way.

Pay Attention to What Body Language Might Mean-If someone is saying one thing with words, but their movements and body positioning is not seeming to agree, the person might be battling what they want inside of themselves.  If this is confusing to you, this might be a good time to speak up and say something like, “I hear what you are saying, but I’m wondering if you can tell me if there is something else going on because your words say one thing, but it seems your body language is saying another.”

Notice the Energy Level of the Other Person- If someone’s words speed up, they might be in a hurry, or they might be frustrated, or they might be anxious.  While you may not be able to tell exactly, noticing the speed at which someone speaks can give you more information that what is being verbally said.  For instance, if a person stutters, they might be nervous, or their mind might be racing with many thoughts at once.  If a person repeats what they have just said another time or  two within the same dialogue, they might be unsure if they are being taken seriously or if they are being heard and understood with their point being gotten across.

Listen for the Feeling Underneath the Words- Watching for facial expressions that might look like a certain emotion is being conveyed can add to the depth of the words you are hearing.

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes-Considering how you would feel if you were in the same situation and with the same considerations that they other is in can help you to see things from a new perspective that may better inform the message you are getting.

Pay Attention to the Volume-Noticing if someone’s volume increases with their words could mean that they are passionate about something, think something is particularly important, or feel that they are not being understood.  Noticing if someone’s volume decreases might be indicating that they are uncertain, timid, or nervous about what they are saying.  Noticing a monotone might convey some sadness, apathy, or depression under the surface.

While you can never be certain that you are fully understanding someone else unless they confirm it for you, these tips may help you to listen to what isn’t being said so that you can grow in connection to those important to you.

If you could use assistance sorting through your interactions with others and getting clear on how you feel and think, counseling can help.  Let us know if we can help by contacting us at 541-236-3057.

Guest blog writing by Michelle Croyle