Are You Feeling Stuck?
There are two types of mindsets. We are either rigid or we have a growth mindset. In other words, we either accept things as they are or we are very rigid and get struck because things are not the way we want them to be. This is of course a spectrum, meaning that you are not always one or the other. There are times when we have growth mindsets in some aspects of our lives while rigid in others. Sometimes we may try to show acceptance and go with the flow to keep peace within a relationship, but in reality we feel rigid about a situation which can cause an internal conflict. Maybe at home we are very rigid with how we want things done, but at work we try to go with the flow more. This does not mean that you don’t feel rigid at work as well, but that maybe you recognize it is easier to be flexible in that situation.
We often try communicating our needs (which is good, we do need to do this), but do it in a way that places unrealistic expectations on our partners. When we say “I’m struggling, I have needs, and I need them to be met” we are telling them that it is up to them to make sure we are getting what we need instead of doing it ourselves or having a discussion to reach a compromise. When we are rigid, there is no margin for other possibilities making us judgemental and critical when things are not up to our expectations. This creates conflict in a relationship because it does not allow space for a partner to show up as they are, how God made them. A growth mindset is open to all of the puzzle pieces and can set aside their needs for a minute to be able to look at what is best for the relationship. Marriage is a perpetual state of compromise and discussion. As we know, opposites often attract. The differences are new and exciting. Once we get married though, it is easy to revert to believing that our partners should think and behave the same way we do and we forget that their differences are what we were originally attracted to and should be celebrated.
A rigid mindset can also show us what our view of God is. When we are rigid we are telling ourselves that God is a punisher and vindictive individual. We are saying that we have to get it right or we are not good enough for God’s love. This mindset is ignoring all that God did for us through Jesus on the cross. It often seems that when people reject God it is because they feel like they will never be able to live up to his ‘standards’. In reality though, he tells us that he loves us unconditionally and no matter what. He told us this when he gave up his only son to die. We strive for perfection in God’s eyes and then project that onto those around us, specifically our partners.
One way to look at this is that what we focus on grows. If all we do is focus on the need and our perfectionism, the big picture will be ignored. Move your focus to the context of relationship and love. Yes, your needs are very important, but that is just a part of the big picture because your partner has needs as well. Growth is adaptable and full of grace to move through discomfort, accepting the responsibility and consequences for our choices. If we don’t see God as full of love and grace then we will definitely not see our partners or ourselves that way either.
Having a growth mindset means that we are humble and it is okay to be wrong. We need to be willing to accept our own and others’ growth processes. Part of the learning process is making mistakes and failure. By looking at them as an opportunity to learn and grow we can provide grace and compassion for our partners and better ourselves in our relationships. You can still have discussions about hurt that has been inflicted but without an accusation. Read these next two statements and then notice what happens to your body as you read them. “I see that you did the best that you could at this time, it still hurt me, but I understand what happened” and “How dare you do that to me?” What did you feel when you read the last statement?
We can often feel the rigid mindset inside of ourselves. Take a minute to do a scan of your body. Do you feel overwhelmed or exhausted? If so check what you are telling yourself. Are you telling yourself that you need to be doing better, that your partner isn’t meeting your expectations? If you recognize these thoughts or similar ones take a second to refocus your thoughts on love and compassion. In 1 John 4:19 it says “We love because He first loved us.” This is telling us that God’s love equips us to love ourselves and others. As mentioned before, if we can’t accept his love and grace it is hard to then give it to ourselves and others. We don’t have that defensive ego when we are able to acknowledge that they are doing the best that we can at the moment and extend compassion to ourselves and others. Once we are able to be kind to ourselves, we can then be kind to our partners.
